dance with the devil
by kyleisgod
Summary: Cartman makes a bet he seemingly can't win, ultimately affecting the lives of eight people. Het and slash pairs, comedy and drama, read and review!
1. the big dance

1Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.

Authors Notes: Everyone please read and review? Thanks :)

It was madness inside South Park school. The big dance was coming up in just a few weeks. It seemed that every hallway you looked down, new couples were forming left and right. No students male or female were rejecting offers to get together with other classmates, even though everyone knew the relationships probably wouldn't last beyond the final song of the big dance. Indeed, the closer it got to the night of the dance, the more everyone who was single was scrambling to find a date.

Well, almost everyone. Some guys chose to stand back from all the insanity. Those guys slowly became known throughout the school as the Dateless Crew. It wasn't the most original or scathing of nicknames, but what could you expect from the products of a school system that literally named their upcoming big dance "The Big Dance."?

More commonly, the Dateless Crew were referred to by their actual names: Stan, Kyle, Cartman-since hardly anyone called him Eric, and Token. Once they realized they were the few boys at school not preoccupied with the big dance, they formed a bit of a pact and ate together at lunch each day. The taunting from other students only brought them closer. They purposely talked about everything _but_ the stupid dance, and had a great time doing so.

Then one day it happened. A certain male student announced he had a date. A student that shouldn't have been able to even talk to a girl, let alone ask one out. It sent shockwaves throughout the school-and the ranks of the Dateless Crew. In an instant, everything came crashing down for the proud group of loners. Although with such an oxymoronic social title, dissension was bound to occur.

"TIMMY!" the boy said on the day of his big announcement. The Dateless Crew whipped their heads around in simultaneous disbelief.

"You have a _date_?" Token asked the boy in the wheelchair.

Timmy nodded his lightbulb head. "Timmy!" he repeated excitedly.

"_You_ have a date?" Cartman asked. His emphasis on the new word drew glares from both Stan and Kyle.

Timmy held out a small piece of paper, confirming the information non-verbally. It turned out he was telling the truth. The paper had a simple question on it. "Do you like me?" Some girl had put a checkmark inside a box simply labeled "Yes." Timmy took his paper back and wheeled away, presumably to continue bragging about his accomplishment. After a small shocked pause to let the new information sink in, Cartman responded on behalf of his group.

"This is bullcrap! How the hell does _Timmy_ get a chick before I do?"

"Because no one likes you," Token said matter-of-factly. "But what about me? Timmy has a date and I don't? I'm rich! I have an image to protect. That does it. I'm out guys. I need to get a date."

"Me too," Cartman said. "And people do so like me you black asshole!"

"Hey, come on guys. Now you're getting caught up in the stupid dance like everyone else," Stan said.

"Stan, if I show up without a date and friggin' Timmy has one, I'm gonna really look like a loser," Cartman said.

"You already are one," Kyle said with a scoff. "Like you'd even find a date anyway."

"I could find a date if I wanted. Fuck you Kahl!"

"Well you'd better hurry up," Token said. "Almost every girl in school is taken now."

"And you're not exactly the best looking guy in the world," Kyle pointed out.

"You kinda smell bad too," Stan observed.

Eric closed his eyes and sighed, wondering why his friends were all against him. "There can't be that many guys left to compete with."

"Well now you're competing with me, and I can't waste time talking to the enemy," Token said before he walked off.

Cartman rolled his eyes as he watched the black boy depart. "Who does that prick think he is?"

"The richest kid in our school," Kyle answered. "Just let it go dude. Any girls still available are gonna flock to Token and his money."

Cartman shook his head. "I'm not letting it go. That son of a bitch said no one likes me."

"That's because they don't!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I can get a goddamn date, Kahl!"

"No you can't!"

"Can too!"

"Hookers don't count," Stan informed his fat friend. He and Kyle shared a laugh at the remark.

Cartman glared at his remaining friends. "Well then, if you're so sure I can't get a chick, how about we make a little bet?"

Stan shrugged. "Fine."

"Okay" Kyle agreed.

"Fine! I'll bet you guys I can get a date to the big dance before Token."

"No way" Stan and Kyle said in unison.

"Fifty bucks? Each?"

"You're on," Stan agreed.

Kyle nodded his head. "But _no_ cheating Cartman! I'm serious. No hookers, no bringing your mom as your date, no pretending to be gay and bringing a guy. I'd say no bribing girls, but that's probably what Token's gonna do."

"And he has more money to give them," Stan said.

"Fine, assholes! You're on!" Cartman said, agreeing to the rules set forth.

A bell rang. The boys went their separate ways as all of the students departed from the cafeteria. Cartman confidently strutted into the school halls, already looking around for any available women he could get with. He looked one way, seeing Sally and Heidi Turner chatting it up with Bill and Fossie. He looked the other way, only to find Anne Polk and Kevin Chang sipping out of the same cup through two different straws. Cartman turned the corner toward his next class, seeing couple after couple walk by him holding hands. He stopped moving altogether and looked around frantically. Everywhere there was a female, there was a male right next to her.

"Oh, son of a bitch."

To Be Continued


	2. passing notes

1What the hell had Cartman gotten himself into? He'd never had much luck with women before. That was probably because he treated them like...Well, like how he treated everyone else. How was he supposed to land a date for the dance? What if he couldn't? He didn't have a hundred bucks to give Kyle and Stan. Not to mention the humiliation he'd face from losing the bet. He had to figure out a solution no matter what it took. If he couldn't, he'd lose more than a bet with his friends. He'd lose his dignity. He'd lose his pride. For God's sake, he'd be viewed as less dateable than Token Williams, the black asshole!

Cartman anxiously looked around the cafeteria the day after making the bet. Word around school was that Token hadn't found a date yet, but all the girls would soon know he was available. Cartman knew he had to strike before then. Suddenly, he spotted Wendy and Bebe talking at one of the tables. "Bebe!" Cartman said to himself. She had to be the answer to his problem. Everyone knew Bebe was by far the easiest girl in school. She'd go out, or make out, with anyone. Cartman approached the table as fast as he could, running his fingers through his hair as he walked. He blatantly interrupted the girls' conversation when he arrived, making his move right away.

"Hey Bebe," he greeted sweetly.

"Go away," she replied tactlessly. Her straight-forwardness threw him off-guard, but Cartman stammered out a response as best he could.

"Um, y-you know the big dance is coming up. I was thinking maybe-"

"No" she said simply.

"No?" Cartman repeated questioningly. "What the hell do you mean 'no'?"

"I mean I'm not going to the dance with you. Even I have standards."

Cartman's eyebrows arched in anger. "That's fine, you're a whore anyway!" he bitterly exclaimed. He stomped away from the table, giving up on the sales pitch.

"Huh" Wendy said once the fat boy was gone. Her own eyebrows rose in confusion as she watched him walk away.

"What?" Bebe asked her friend.

"That was weird. He asked you out but totally ignored me."

"Hey! Why's it so weird he asked me out?"

Wendy shook her head. "No. I mean Cartman doesn't like you personally."

"Cartman doesn't like _anyone_ personally," Bebe pointed out.

"I know" Wendy agreed. "But if he doesn't like you and he asked you out anyway, it means he just wants a date."

"So?"

"So if he's only looking for a date to the dance, why would he ask you and not me once you shot him down?"

Bebe smirked. "What do you care? Do you _want_ him to ask you out?"

"No!" Wendy exclaimed, seeming insulted by the very idea of such a thing. "I'm just saying it was weird. I mean, I was sitting right here."

Bebe shrugged. "Just be thankful he didn't ask you out. He's Eric Cartman!"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Cartman hated his English class more than any other. Each and every afternoon he had to come face to face with his own personal hell. He was forced to spend every agonizing second of that god damned English period in the same room as Stan, Kyle, and Wendy. A bunch of other kids were there too, but to Cartman they were all just extras in the background. Luckily since it was still a classroom environment, Cartman's adversaries usually didn't get the chance to bother him directly. In fact the only time Wendy upset him during class time was when she constantly challenged his questioning of the English language. If not for her persistent arguing, Cartman was certain he could've gotten the definition of the word catastrophe changed to something involving an actual cat.

It was the occasional note-passing that got under Cartman's skin the worst. His assigned seat was one of many sandwiched between Stan and Kyle's desks. As a result, Cartman and a few other kids had to always help the two pass boring messages to each other. It was just one of those unwritten school laws. Cartman always skimmed the notes, just in case Stan or Kyle ever decided to reveal some humiliating personal detail to one another, but usually it was the same stupid crap they said to each other out loud. Today's notes didn't effect Cartman at all, until he noticed the talk turning to the big dance.

"Should we go?" Stan asked through his piece of folded notebook paper.

"Why not?" Kyle's note replied. "Everyone else is going. Besides, I wanna collect my fifty bucks from Cartman right away."

Bored himself, and annoyed thanks to Kyle, Cartman decided to do a little of his own note sharing. He scribbled a quick "You guys are such fags" PS at the bottom of Kyle's returning note to Stan, then tore a fresh sheet of paper from his own notebook. He wrote out a message and folded it over neatly, sending it Kyle's way.

"Mark my words Jew: it is you who will be owing me the fifty dollars. I'm seriously."

A few minutes later, Cartman received Kyle's reply.

"Wow, you actually write the way you talk? That's fucked up."

Cartman promptly crumpled up the paper. Now his mind was stuck on that damn bet. How was he going to win? He couldn't even rely on the school slut for help. The fat boy began pondering to himself which girl he could go after next. He looked around the classroom for a moment, until his eyes became glued to some red hair a few seats up.

Red was always the quiet type. Rumor had it that "Red" wasn't even her actual name, but that she was too shy to correct anyone who used it. Either way she had never expressed an opinion on Cartman. Or anyone else for that matter. After writing another note, Cartman reached over and tapped Anne Polk on the shoulder.

"What?" the girl replied.

"Give this to Red," he said quietly.

Cartman eyed the note as it moved to Anne's left. He wanted to make sure it reached its final destination. The note was exchanged between a few more people until it reached Wendy's desk. Wendy looked back among her fellow students, trying to find the note's original writer. If the message was for her, she needed to know who sent it. Wendy smiled ever so slightly when she noticed Cartman watching the paper carefully. Assuming this was his attempt to ask her out as she suspected he would, she locked eyes with the boy and shook her head no, choosing to be nice today and let him down gently. Eric scowled at her and wrote up a second note for delivery.

"Just give Red my note, hippie!"

Confused, Wendy inspected the first note more carefully. Sure enough, "Red" was written on the front of it. She mentally kicked herself for making such a bold assumption and sent the note where it needed to go.

Red wasn't as kind as Wendy. She responded to Cartman's question with a raised middle finger.

"Red?" Wendy thought to herself. "Why Red? What's she got that I don't have?"

Wendy literally shook her head clear. What was she thinking? This was the middle of an important class and her thoughts were being consumed by Eric Cartman. Eric Cartman! It made no sense. She didn't _want_ to have what Red had if it attracted people like him. Wendy went back to focusing on her studies, until another note was dropped down on her desk. Her eyes opened with excitement. Maybe this was Cartman's attempt to ask her out.

"We'll see how hot you think you are once I shave your head bald, bitch!"

It was another note obviously meant for Red. Soon, a curious Wendy found herself writing her own secret message back to her friend Anne Polk.

"Would I look better as a redhead?"

To Be Continued


	3. burned out lightbulbs

1Wendy had finally figured it out. At least, she thought she had. She had a theory anyway. Just thinking about it made her feel a lot better inside. In her mind, it wasn't that she was completely off Cartman's radar as a woman. The reason Cartman wasn't asking her to the dance was so simple. How could she not have seen it before?

In Wendy's opinion, Cartman wasn't asking her out in order to slowly drive her insane. Clearly this was another one of his so-called "brilliant schemes." He had nothing better to do with his time, so he woke up one morning and once again began messing with the hippie. That was Wendy's belief and she was sticking with it. The idea of Cartman screwing with her self-esteem didn't exactly thrill her, but Wendy was still a lot happier believing her new theory instead of thinking the fat boy was truly ignoring her as a viable date option. If that even made any sense.

She decided she wasn't going to let Cartman win. His constant consuming of her thoughts was going to stop. She had figured him out, she thought, and because of that she wasn't going to let him get to her anymore. Cartman was trying to get to her, trying to drive her mad, and she wouldn't let him.

In order to "prove" that she was going to stop thinking about him all the time and not let him get to her, Wendy rode her bike all the way to Cartman's house after school. She was just going to confront him. She could finally put her mind to rest after that. She parked the bicycle in the driveway and stomped up to the front door, knocking loudly.

"Answer that!" Cartman barked from inside. He was surely talking to his poor mother. Apparently Lianne was indisposed with something, or someone, because Cartman ended up answering the door himself. A defensive scowl immediately formed on Wendy's face.

"I know, Cartman!" she accused right away.

Cartman's eyes blinked. "Um, okay? Know what?" he questioned. He seemed to have no idea what she was talking about.

"Don't play dumb with me," she said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cartman responded calmly. There was really no other way _to_ respond. If he said "I'm not playing dumb," then it'd be like admitting he _was_ dumb. If he admitted to playing dumb to something he _was_ ignorant about, it'd just make him look even more stupid.

"Oh, please!" Wendy exclaimed. "This sudden interest in girls? This plan of yours to find a date? I know why you're doing it!"

Cartman sighed. "First of all, my interest in girls isn't sudden. I'm not some fag like Stan and Kyle. Second of all, so what if I made a bet? How does that concern you, hippie?"

"A bet?" she repeated.

Cartman nodded his head. "I bet the guys I could get a date to the dance before..."

"...Before?" Wendy asked.

Cartman wasn't about to divulge the information. If Wendy, a girl he pissed off on a regular basis, knew that his success depended on finding a date before Token Williams, she would surely be all over that son of a bitch in a heartbeat.

"Before this other guy did. Now what are _you_ talking about?"

Wendy paused. Her angry scowl disappeared instantly, being slowly replaced by an expression of hurt as the realization set in. Wanting to be sure she now understood the situation correctly, Wendy asked "So you're just looking for a date, any date, to take to the dance so you can win money?"

"Yeah, so?" Cartman asked.

Wendy didn't respond. Her head drooped sadly. She regretted coming over. She had tested her theory and it failed. Cartman really -was- just ignoring her, and she still didn't know why.

Cartman spoke again, not noticing the abrupt change in Wendy's mood.

"Look, if you came over here to give me some speech about how we shouldn't gamble because the trees had to die so we can print money, save it. I have enough problems right now."

A small sigh escaped Wendy's lips. She turned around and departed from Cartman's doorstep. She didn't bother telling him why she'd actually stopped by. She didn't even try to make up an excuse. She wasn't going to humiliate herself any further today.

Cartman shrugged off the unexplained appearance and closed the door behind her. Through his window, he watched Wendy as she slowly pedaled away down the street. Cartman sighed himself, fogging up the window's glass.

"Who was at the door?" Lianne suddenly asked. She finally made it downstairs.

"Wendy Testaburger" Cartman said.

"Oh, your little friend from school?"

Cartman sighed. "Yes mom. My dirty hippie 'friend' from school." He even made the quotation marks with his fingers when he spoke.

"Oh sweetie, what's wrong?" Lianne asked. A mother could always tell when something was bothering her son.

"I can't find a date to the stupid big dance."

Lianne frowned. "Oh, dear. Well don't worry muffin. Any girl who doesn't like you isn't worth your time anyway."

Now it was Cartman's head dropping sadly.

"Sure mom. Whatever you say."

"Eric, why don't you go lay down for a while? Mommy thinks someone's tired."

"I'm not tried, mom!" Cartman whined.

"By the time you get up from your nap, mommy will have dinner ready."

Never in his nature to turn down immediately served food, Cartman headed right for the stairs.

"Fine, I'll be in my room," he said.

He got upstairs and plopped down on his mattress; his weight nearly breaking the springs. His thoughts returned to Wendy and her mysterious presence at his house.

That's when it dawned on him. It was an opportunity Cartman couldn't believe he had missed. He bolted up in his bed, excited and almost wanting to kick himself for not having realized it sooner. He looked out his bedroom window, but Wendy was long gone. Damn! Cartman snapped his fingers. He would have to call her later with his question. To say it suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks wouldn't be accurate to say at all.

"Maybe _she_ knows someone who would go out with me!"

It wouldn't be accurate, because the poor guy still wasn't getting it.

Wendy ran straight for the house phone as soon as she got back home. She picked up the receiver and frantically dialed Bebe's number. To say that Wendy needed her best friend following the humiliation at Cartman's house would be a major understatement.

"Hello?"

Fighting back tears, Wendy simply blurted out what happened.

"He's not doing it to be a jerk!" Wendy exclaimed. "He's just not asking me! He doesn't even know I exist! I hate him SO much! I hope he dies!!"

On her end of the phone, Bebe couldn't help but smile just a little bit as she listened to Wendy rant and rave about what a bastard Eric Cartman was. She felt bad for smiling while her friend was clearly in pain, but the fact remained that the pain only stemmed from Cartman not asking Wendy out in the first place. If there was one thing Bebe Stevens knew, it was when people were attracted to each other. She was the first girl at school to suggest something was going on between Kyle and Stan. While she technically had yet to be proven right about those two, all the signs were certainly there and grew more apparent every day since her prediction. In that same vain, she could tell Wendy was attracted to Cartman now. Even when she cursed his name. It was cute, in a way.

Bebe combed her blonde hair in a vanity mirror. She waited patiently for her chance to respond. She knew Wendy needed to vocalize her current frustrations with the boy. Finally, Wendy took a breath. It was Bebe's turn to speak.

"I'm sorry Wendy," she said. "But hey, it still might not be what you think. This one time in kindergarten, this boy really liked me but wouldn't tell me so."

Having not known Bebe until second grade, Wendy wasn't familiar with this story. "Why didn't he tell you?" she asked out loud.

"I don't know. It could've been any reason. Maybe he was shy. Maybe he thought I was already taken. Or he was just gay like Stan and Kyle."

The half-joke was ignored. "So what happened?" Wendy asked.

"Oh nothing. He never asked me out."

Wendy frowned. That wasn't exactly the reassurance she was looking for. She asked a follow-up question, taking a different approach.

"So then how did you know he even liked you?"

"His friend told me."

A lightbulb suddenly went on above Wendy's head. The electric company must've finally gotten her parents check. That didn't matter right now though, because Bebe's story had given Wendy a great idea.

To Be Continued


	4. but i'm rich

1Author's Notes: Okay all you slash-lovers, listen up! This story will NOT be all about Cartman and Wendy. There's more focus coming on the precious Stan/Kyle pairing. I really hope you slashers will give this story a chance. It's not completely slashless, and I think it's an entertaining story on top of it. If I'm wrong about that, someone has to tell me why so I can make it better. Less people are reading and reviewing, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong other than lack of slash and longer chapters. Also, starting with this chapter, I'm going to bring Kenny and his family into the story (including his one-appearance-making sister). To those who are already loyally following this fic, I just have two things to say. One, congratulations on having diverse taste in reading material, and two, please keep reading and reviewing. Please? I could really use the support. Hmm, I wonder if the Stan/Kyle chapter will make the number of hits/reviews go up? I have a hunch it will.

It had only been a few hours since the bet was made, but Stan and Kyle were already getting worried. They both correctly suspected that Cartman would have trouble finding a date, but they also knew that he would work very hard to get one. Cartman was always merciless, and now that both money -and- personal pride were at stake, he would surely be even more aggressive than usual. Kyle and Stan had to make sure Token got a date first. They only had fifty bucks each to lose, but they needed that money for...

...Well, for something other than giving it to Cartman! Even better, if they won, they'd have even more money for whatever exactly it was they were eventually going to buy. Slurpees, perhaps. Slurpees bought with Cartman's money would taste even more delicious.

As it turned out, the boys had good reason to be worried. Token hadn't even started looking yet.

"What do you mean you don't have a date yet?!" Stan asked at lunch. The panic was apparent in his voice.

Token's shoulders shrugged. "Just what I said. I haven't found a date yet."

"Dude, you gotta get one!" Kyle explained.

"Since when do you guys care?" Token questioned.

Token was right. They were still considered the Dateless Crew around school. They shouldn't care if anyone had a date. Stan and Kyle glanced over at one another. Each hoped the other would have some kind of non-hypocritical response.

"Well, we're still _going_ to the dance," Stan said. It was a weak defense, but it worked in his mind.

"Yeah" Kyle agreed. "Now why the hell haven't you found a date yet?"

"I've got it covered," Token assured them. "I hired a detective to investigate what girls around school think about me. Then I hired a committee to decide what to do with the information."

Kyle and Stan blinked in unison. Token was quite a money-wasting douche. As long as he was a victorious money-wasting douche though, what did it matter to either of them?

"What'd they tell you?" Kyle asked.

"The detective said most single girls at school think I have two things going for me: My money and my voice. The committee said if I put those things together, I should be able to have any girl at school that I want."

"Great, so go get one," Stan said.

"I'm planning on it this afternoon."

Feeling instantly relieved by Token's announcement, Stan and Kyle smiled triumphantly.

"You know, you guys should really get dates too. People are starting to talk."

"No thanks. Forced dating stuff's not for us," Stan said.

Kyle nodded in agreement, then turned his head to the side in order to address Stan.

"That reminds me: Pick me up at eight okay? My mom's gonna want to take pictures and all that crap before the dance."

"Sure" Stan said.

Token's jaw opened slightly. He blinked, confused.

"Wait, you're going with Kyle to the dance?"

"Yeah, why?" Stan asked.

"...Wow."

"What?" Kyle asked, just as confused as Stan was.

"That means you're dating."

Stan spit out the milk he was drinking. "wHAT?! No no, dude, I'm not going on a -date- with Kyle! I'm just giving him a ride to the dance and then we're gonna hang out together. We told you, we don't want dates."

"You don't want dates with girls at least," Token accused.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Whatever asshole. My house is on Stan's way. We all can't have chauffeurs taking us to the dance in a fucking limo."

"You're just jealous."

"...Yeah, maybe a little," Kyle admitted. "But you're still a dick!"

Token swallowed the last bite of his caviar lunch and stood up. He walked away without even a goodbye due to Kyle's outburst, leaving the boys alone at the table.

Kyle growled. "He'd better win us that money dude. If he doesn't I swear to Abraham..."

Kyle crushed the empty milk carton in his hand to emphasize his point.

"Take it easy Kyle. He said he'd have a date after school," Stan reminded his friend. "Then Cartman's gonna be totally screwed."

Token decided that he would go after an easy target. Someone sure to jump at the chance to be aligned with somebody who was rich. He would ask out Kenny McCormick's sister, Katie.

Word around school was that Cartman had gone date-hunting right away. Rumor even had it that he had been shot down twice in the same day, while Token fully expected a "yes" response on his first attempt. He laughed to himself at how easy it was going to be as he walked toward the McCormick house. A group of men in tuxedos trailed behind him, each one carrying a violin. They began to play their instruments, and Token started to sing. The front door opened soon afterward.

One by one the entire McCormick clan made their way outside to see what all the commotion was about. No one was sure what song Token was singing. It sounded like some generic love song. Halfway through the song, Kenny posed a question to Token.

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

The music stopped so Token could explain himself. "I'm serenading your sister."

"You're doing _what_ to my sister?"

"Just keep the noise down," Stuart asked. "I'm hung over."

The McCormick parents and Kevin went back inside. The song now seemingly over, Token's backup band left the scene as well. Kenny, Katie, and Token were left outside.

"Katie, will you go to the big dance with me? As you can see, I can afford my own backup band."

Before the girl could answer, screeching tires got everyone's attention. Cartman pulled up to the scene on his big wheel bike. He was apparently just in the nick of time.

"Token just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Cartman asked.

"I'm asking Katie to the dance."

"She can't go with you, because she's going with me! Stop trying to move in on my date!"

"Yeah right. Like _anyone_ would go out with you instead of me."

"We'll see about that," Cartman said. He took off his hat and placed his hands behind his back. He flashed an angelic smile the girl's way. "Katie, if you go to the dance with me, I'm prepared to let you leave this shithole house and temporarily stay with me until the dance is over. My mom will even cook for you. Think about it. Sleeping in a bed instead of a cardboard box. Eating real food at a table instead of out of garbage cans. Sounds pretty nice, doesn't it?"

"Hey!" Kenny exclaimed to his fat friend. "We're not _that_ poor!"

"My personal chef will make you better food," Token informed Katie. "And my house is bigger."

Cartman glared at the black boy, then went back to trying to win over Katie. "Access to my house, and ten bucks to go out with me."

"You're bribing her now? Wow, you really are a loser."

Cartman's hands balled up into fists. He certainly wasn't a loser. He'd kick Token's ass for talking that kind of crap if it weren't still considered a hate crime. Bribery wasn't against the rules Stan and Kyle had set forth, but it certainly -was- a desperate move. Worse yet, just as Stan had predicted, Token was able to offer more.

"Fifty bucks to go out with me," Token offered the girl.

"A hundred!" Cartman countered. He'd get the money back from Stan and Kyle if she said yes.

"Two hundred" Token said with a yawn. He felt he didn't even have to bribe her. He was now just proving a very arrogant point.

"Dammit!" Cartman swore under his breath. He was outbid already.

Kenny watched in disgust as the two continued the bidding war for his sister's services. Annoyed, he threw up his hands and headed back inside the house, calling out to his brother for assistance.

Cartman and Token continued calling out numbers. Numbers that were already too high for Cartman to back up financially, but he couldn't afford to lose. Finally, Katie spoke her mind on the offers.

"Guys? Um, thanks but no thanks. I don't want to go with either one of you."

The boys froze. Token's eyes went wide, far more surprised by the rejection than Cartman was at this point. Katie continued.

"But...But I'm rich!" Token argued.

"Yeah, and you think you can just buy everyone. I'm not impressed just because you have something I don't. Lots of people have something I don't. It doesn't make them good people to date. And Cartman? Well...You're just a jerk."

Shrugging off her remark about himself, Cartman asked "But you're _not_ going with Token, right?"

"Right."

Cartman began literally dancing in the streets when he heard the confirmation. He might not have a date yet, but Token didn't either. For now, that was good enough for him.

"...But, I'm rich..." Token repeated weakly. The wind had apparently been taken out of his yacht sails.

Kenny and Kevin returned from inside the house. Both were carrying wooden baseball bats.

"Leave our sister alone!" Kevin shouted. "She's not a whore you can buy!"

"That's right Token, you black asshole!" Cartman agreed with glee in his voice.

"Cartman, leave!" Kenny exclaimed. "Now!"

Fully believing that poor people were only capable of settling disputes with extreme violence, Cartman hopped back on his big wheel and took off. He'd live to fight another day.

The boys dealt with, Kenny and Kevin brought their baby sister back into the house. Token began walking home, puzzlement still on his face.

"...But I'm rich..."

To Be Continued


	5. bound

1Author's's Notes: I hope this chapter is okay. I thought I should get something posted for Valentine's Day, so this chapter's a bit rushed. I think this chapter is most appropriate for the holiday though. :) Enjoy. Read and review!

The more Wendy thought about it, the more it seemed like Bebe was right. There was definitely a reason Cartman was asking out every girl under the sun _but_ Wendy. There had to be. With only days left before the big dance, Cartman was surely growing desperate to win his bet. Desperate men do desperate things. Wendy reasoned that even if Cartman despised her personally, he should have made a move on her when money was at stake. Wendy also deduced that Cartman certainly wasn't afraid of rejection. She knew first hand that Cartman had received two "no" answers already and kept on going. No, there was something more to it. A big reason. Wendy was determined to find out what that reason was.

Even though Wendy needed to figure out Cartman's true feelings once and for all, she couldn't come right out and ask him what they were. She didn't want to risk the further embarrassment. Luckily, Bebe was still in her corner.

Literally.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Bebe questioned skeptically.

"I'm sure. Just be ready with the rope," Wendy instructed.

Bebe stood in the back of her best friend's closet, waiting patiently until the time was right.

Kenny didn't question why he was suddenly invited over to Wendy's house. Then again, Kenny always had a pretty one-track mind. Currently, his mind was filling with more and more perverse thoughts as he got closer to the Testaburger residence. He cared far more about what he would do once inside the house rather then why he was invited inside of it in the first place.

Hearing the knock at the front door, Wendy sprang into action. She ran into the living room to greet Kenny while Bebe continued to lurk in the shadows of the bedroom closet. The blonde girl listened in as Wendy and Kenny engaged in casual conversation. A second later, Bebe could hear footsteps. Wendy was walking Kenny through the house. The last stop was her bedroom. Kenny grinned from ear to ear as he followed Wendy inside.

"Have a seat," Wendy politely offered. She pointed to a single chair in the center of the room, indicating exactly where she wanted him seated. Once again Kenny didn't question anything and sat down, anxiously awaiting his next orders. He'd always had Wendy pegged as the dominating type.

"I'm glad you came here," Wendy said. "The truth is, there's a reason I wanted you over."

Kenny nodded his head. "I figured."

Wendy sighed. "Kenny, I need some information."

Information? That certainly wasn't what Kenny had in mind at all. His brain tried to hit the brakes, but his one-track mind was still moving too fast.

"Information...about sex?" he asked hopefully.

"WHAT?"

"Er, never mind."

With an angry glare, Wendy looked over toward her closet. She nodded her head, giving the signal to Bebe.

"Tie this pervert up!"

"Huh?"

The rope quickly slipped around Kenny's body. using her training as a former girl scout, Bebe managed to tie an expert knot around the back of the chair, bounding Kenny to his seat.

"Wendy, what the fuck's going on?" Kenny wondered out loud.

"Like I said, I need information. Information that I'm sure you have."

"So why didn't you just ask me?"

"I was hoping it wouldn't come down to using the rope, but you aren't exactly focused right now. I'm showing you I mean business. You aren't leaving until you tell me what I want to know."

Kenny smirked. "Usually when I think about girls tying me up, it doesn't end with them wanting information."

Wendy sighed. "That's exactly what I'm talking about."

"Actually, I don't need anything from you," Bebe corrected. "I'm just helping Wendy."

Kenny looked over at his fellow blonde and smirked. "So in other words, you just wanted to tie me up?"

Bebe couldn't help but giggle at Kenny's question. Wendy couldn't help but ignore it. She was totally unamused and very focused on the task at hand.

"Tell me about Cartman's plan, Kenny."

"What plan?"

"He's asking every girl to the dance who isn't me to win some bet."

"He is? Thank god! I thought he was hot for my sister."

"He asked _her_ out too?"

"Yeah. She said no."

Bebe smiled when she noticed the relieved expression coming over Wendy's face.

"You're the closest thing Cartman has to a best friend," Wendy pointed out. "You have to know something. Why isn't he asking me out?"

"I'm guessing, but doesn't he hate you?"

"He hates everyone. He'd ask me out if he really had to. He's going out of his way to _not_ ask me out, and I want to know why. Now tell me!"

"I have no fuckin' clue dude."

"You're lying!! Tell me the truth or I'll-"

"You'll what? Kill me? Been there, done that." Kenny said. He was completely unimpressed by the threat.

"You'd better just tell her," Bebe advised. "If you don't, we'll have to start doing a whole good cop/bad cop thing."

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Would you be the bad cop?"

Bebe smiled. "Would you want me to be?"

Kenny smiled back. "Maybe"

Bebe stared at Kenny. Kenny stared right back at her. Wendy just planted her face in the palm of her hand.

"Excuse us a minute."

"Like I'm going anywhere," Kenny pointed out.

Wendy took hold of Bebe's arm, dragging her into the next room.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Wendy whispered angrily.

"Flirting" Bebe said innocently.

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Bebe, this is an interrogation for God's sake!"

"Sorry Wendy. He's just really cute."

"Deal with that on your own time. you're supposed to be helping me here!"

"Well, at least you know Cartman's still available."

"Which means nothing if he's not actually interested in me."

Wendy gasped and placed a hand over her mouth when she realized what she'd just let slip out. She quickly added "Not that I care. I'd just say no anyway."

Bebe shook her head. "Wendy, just admit it. You like him."

"No I don't!"

"Wendy, you've got Cartman's best friend tied to a chair just so you can figure out how he feels about you. You're into him. I know it, you know it, and now Kenny knows it."

Wendy bit her bottom lip. Hesitantly she asked "Do you think he'd put in a good word for me?"

"I knew it!" Bebe exclaimed happily. "You DO like him!"

"Whatever!!" Wendy snapped. "Fine! I like him I guess! So what?!"

Deciding not to press her easily angered friend, Bebe simply said "So let's get back in there and see what Kenny knows."

They went back into the room. Wendy began pacing around Kenny, glaring down at him.

"So, Cartman asked out your sister?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why won't he ask me out?"

"I don't know."

"Well find out."

Kenny paused, blinking his eyes. "Why should I get involved? You're the one who wants to know."

Bebe pouted. "Kenny, Wendy's my best friend. Finding out what's going on with Cartman would really make her happy. And if she's happy, I'm happy. And if I'm happy, I can make _you_ happy."

Kenny licked his own lips, his eyes lighting up with newfound interest as he listened to the girl speak. "I wanna be happy," he assured Bebe. "Okay, I'll talk to Cartman."

Wendy smiled ever so slightly. She wasn't at the bottom of the story yet, but she would be soon.

"Can I go now?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah, I believe you," Wendy said. "But if you're lying, or if you don't actually try to find out, I'll make sure you're never happy again. And I don't mean that as a euphemism."

Kenny nodded in understanding. "I'll talk to him."

"Thanks Kenny."

"Sure, whatever."

The understanding clear, Bebe began undoing the knot in the rope. Kenny turned his head back slightly as much as it would go, smiling down at the girl.

"You're really good at that."

"Thanks" Bebe said. "I learned knot-tying in girl scouts."

Kenny's jaw fell open. "...Girl scouts huh? Do you still own the uniform?"

"Yeah"

"...And this rope is yours too?"

"Uh-huh. Why?"

"Oh, no reason."

When Kenny's arms were freed, he pinched himself to be sure he wasn't dreaming.

"I have to get home. I'll see you guys in school tomorrow," Bebe said.

"Yeah, see you there," Kenny agreed.

"Thanks Bebe. Bye" Wendy said.

Bebe left. Kenny followed right behind her, looking much like a lovesick puppy dog.

Once left alone, Wendy's thoughts drifted back to Cartman. Hopefully she would get her answer, whatever it was, before the dance. Hopefully it would be something simple that wouldn't prevent them from being together. Something that could be dealt with. Something that didn't involve having to see that perv Kenny more than was absolutely necessary.

And then, Wendy's phone rang.

To Be Continued


	6. playing with balls

1"Hello?"

"Wendy!" Cartman exclaimed on the other end of the line. "Just the ho I wanted to speak to."

Wendy's face morphed into a rather unusual combination of anger and happiness. Happiness because Cartman was calling her, and anger due to what he was saying once he called. She was glad no one could see her like that. It was a pretty unattractive facial expression.

"What do you want Cartman?"

"A date to the big dance," he reminded her.

Wendy's face slowly returned to normal. Her lips even formed into a small smile. "Oh?" she replied, trying to be as cool-headed as possible.

"Yeah. Do you know anyone who'd go with me?"

"_What_?!"

"Look I'm running out of options here. I am _not_ losing that bet to those assholes. I'll make it worth your time, just help me out. You're a chick. Give me a chick's perspective. How do I score a date?"

Wendy's face changed again. This time she wore a scowl of annoyance aimed in the direction of her phone.

"You know Cartman, _I'm_ not taking anyone to the dance yet," Wendy said matter-of-factly through gritted teeth.

"That's nice but we're talking about _me_ here," Cartman said. "Stop being so selfish and help me."

"Jesus Christ you're stupid!" Wendy spat out angrily.

"AYE! I don't need to take this! I just called to get a simple answer to a question!"

"And I'm trying to answer it!"

"No, you're just bitching at me. Again. God never mind, I'll find a date mahself."

"I'm _saying_ you should-"

Click

"...Go with me," Wendy said sadly into the phone's receiver. Hearing only a dial tone respond, she sighed and hung up.

Kenny observed the playground area. No sign of Bebe. Shit! He had planned to ask her out to the dance today. After the night at Wendy's house, Kenny found himself thinking more and more about Bebe. And not just in her girl scout uniform. He wondered if she liked him. If she'd accept his offer to the dance. If she did, he wondered if she could even dance well. He even found himself curious if blonde was her natural hair color. Kenny was officially smitten, but he didn't try to fight it. He'd ask her out when he could, hopefully take her to the dance, and then get to be tied up again if he was really lucky.

"Hey Kenny" the boys said in perfect time with each other. Forcing his thoughts away from Bebe, Kenny turned around to address his pals.

"Hey" he replied. He made sure to take a few steps away from them following the greeting.

"Dude we haven't seen you around in a while. What's up?" Stan asked.

"You don't wanna know."

"Hey, help us out. You wanna play basketball or football?" Kyle wondered. "We can't decide."

Kenny sighed. As he spoke his next words, his eyes stopped making contact with his two friends. He just stared downward, looking at the football in Stan's hands and the basketball in Kyle's. Kenny was a bit too ashamed of what he was about to say to look either one of them in the face.

"Look, guys, the truth is I've kinda been avoiding you."

They raised their eyebrows in confusion. Once again in perfect sync with one another. It was a thing they did. They remained silent, letting Kenny explain himself.

"See, the dance is coming up. If I hang out with you guys before then people might think...You know..."

"Think what?" Stan asked.

"Think that I'm like one of you."

"...They'll think you're Jewish?" Kyle cocked his head to the side, now even more confused.

Kenny shook his head. He decided to spell it out for them. "Guys, people think you're gay."

Kyle scoffed. "Oh Jesus Christ not this again! Just because we're hanging out together at the stupid dance instead of with a date does -not- make us gay!"

"You _know_ we're not gay Kenny," Stan said.

"I don't care what you are. Look, you're still my friends, but until I land the date I'm working on I don't want anyone thinking I'm on the other team. Everyone but you two are date whores lately, and everyone but Cartman and Token can get a date in a second. I don't need mine being snatched up."

Stan glared at his blonde companion. How could Kenny, or anyone else, be so ignorant as to think such a thing? Stan knew perfectly well that he and Kyle were so totally -not- gay for each other. Why didn't anyone take their word for it?

"Fine Kenny. If that's how you're gonna be, me and Kyle will just go play with our balls alone!"

Perhaps it was because Stan made statements like that.

"Come on Kyle!"

"Yeah!" the redhead agreed. He followed behind Stan, their feet stomping down into the snow as they walked away in a unified huff. Kenny smirked. He knew they'd get over it after some rough ball-playing.

A limo suddenly pulled up to the front of the school, drawing Kenny's attention. He didn't have to see through the tinted windows to know the limo belonged to Token.

"Fucking show-off" Kenny muttered as the boy stepped out of the stretch vehicle.

The second his feet hit the ground, Token approached toward Kenny. The boy once again tried to back away. He had no interest in talking to Token after what he pulled the other day. Kenny knew he was trapped once his back touched the brick wall of the school building. Having him cornered, Token finally got out what he needed to say.

"Why doesn't she like me?"

"Who?"

"Your sister."

"How the fuck should I know?"

"I just can't believe she rejected me. All I did was be myself."

"Maybe that's the problem."

"Everyone knows I'm rich. Just because I don't hide it, it doesn't make me a bad person."

"You're right. Being an arrogant dick-hole makes you a bad person."

"This is really bugging me. I can have any girl I want at school."

Kenny nodded. "Except for her."

"But that just makes me want her even more!" Token whined. "Will you please talk to her for me?"

"No."

"Please? I'll pay you."

"Dude, you can't just buy everyone."

"Ten bucks."

"You'd treat her like shit anyway. I'm not fixing her up with you."

"Fifty bucks."

"Fuck off."

Token sighed. "One hundred dollars Kenny."

Kenny paused. His eyes widened. "...How much?"

"A hundred bucks."

"...Okay!!"

Token removed his wallet from his pants pocket. He took out a hundred dollar bill and let it flutter downward into the snowy ground around his feet. Kenny lunged at the crisp bill immediately, practically groveling for it down in front of Token.

"Thanks" Token said. Getting what he needed for now, he left the other boy alone.

Kenny stood from the ground, greedily clutching the hundred dollar bill in his hands. He made a mental note to visit a florist after school. A hundred bucks could get Bebe a decent bouquet of flowers. If that didn't guarantee him a date to the dance, and a lay following it, nothing would. As he tucked the money safely into his own pocket, he wondered something to himself.

"Do Stan or Kyle know a good florist?"

To Be Continued


	7. kenny's lucky day

1"WOOHOO!"

This was truly Kenny's lucky day. Not only did he score an easy hundred bucks out of Token, but the flowers he was planning to buy with it were on sale. Kenny browsed around the small flower shop a while, trying to determine what sort of bouquet Bebe might like. He had originally planned to go with the typical choice of roses, but some asshole had already snatched up the last one before he had gotten there.

Kenny finally came to the realistic conclusion that Bebe would like _any_ kind of flowers he picked out for her. It was the thought that counted after all. What kind of girl receives flowers from a guy, on a non-holiday no less, and then complains that they aren't the right type? This actually made Kenny's task even harder. Being heterosexual, he knew absolutely nothing about what constituted good flowers. Bebe appreciating anything he picked out didn't do anything to narrow down the selection process. Kenny decided to just close his eyes and point to a bouquet. He'd go with that one. How romantic.

As he opened his eyes to view his selection, he smiled. His luck had increased yet again. His finger had picked a flower identified by its label as goldenrod. The petals were yellow, just like Bebe's hair. Kenny envisioned himself pointing that out to her when he gave her the bouquet in school tomorrow. Damn he was smooth. He grabbed the goldenrod bouquet and headed for the counter.

"God dammit, these aren't the right flowers! Do you speak English asshole?!"

Kenny's eyes widened. Wow, this really _was_ his lucky day. Cartman was at the front of the store, raising hell about something or other. Kenny hadn't gotten around to talking to him on Wendy's behalf yet. Now he could get that out of the way while buying Bebe's gift. Two birds with one stone. Kenny was tempted to pinch himself again.

He got in line right behind the fat boy. "Hey dude" he said to get Cartman's attention.

"Not now Kenny," Cartman replied. He was still dealing with the guy behind the counter.

"Sir I'm sorry, but our store just doesn't carry black roses. Do you want the regular ones or not?"

Cartman rudely snatched the flowers from the employee's hand. He glared at the man's nametag. His name was Steve.

"That's fahn. You just made my list, Steve!"

"I'm terrified" Steve replied sarcastically. "Cash or charge?"

Cartman smirked. "Cash"

Slowly Cartman dug through his wallet, trying to "find" wherever he had put his money. Once "found" he began slapping one-dollar bills down on the counter top, despite visibly having larger amounts of money inside his wallet. He counted the money out dollar by dollar as the line behind him grew longer and more hostile. Cartman looked up at Steve. Steve was annoyed. Cartman's revenge had been achieved, and faster than usual.

Seeing that this was going to take a while, Kenny tried speaking again. "Why are you getting roses?"

"I'm trying to get a date to the dance since your ghetto trash sister has no taste in men."

"Fuck you!"

Steve interrupted. "Sir, there's a line. If you'd like to maybe step to the side so I can help the next person-"

"Actually _Steve_, I'm having a conversation with the next person," Cartman pointed out with disdain in his voice. "It's not our fault your crappy little store only has one register."

Steve could only sigh in response. Victorious once again, Cartman turned his attention back to Kenny.

"Who're _you_ buying a faggy bouquet for?"

"Bebe"

Cartman scoffed. "Pussy"

Kenny shrugged his shoulders. "I am what I eat. Who are your flowers for?"

"That goth chick, Henrietta."

Kenny raised his eyebrow. "Really?"

"I _wanted_ black roses, but this lame-ass store doesn't carry them," Cartman complained.

Seeing an opening for a logical segue into the topic he needed to cover, Kenny said "Hey, if Henrietta says no, what about Wendy?"

"Wendy?" Cartman questioned. "Why Wendy?"

It was a good question. Of all the girls Kenny could've mentioned, why her? Kenny thought fast.

"Um, well, you're always saying what a ho she is. Maybe she'd be your ho."

The smile Cartman got from messing with Steve disappeared instantly. His head and eyes dropped sadly toward the floor.

"I can't ask her dude."

"Why not?"

Cartman's eyes narrowed as he looked back at his blonde friend. "Because" he said with rapidly vanishing patience. "What do _you_ care anyway? You're trying to get with her best friend aren't you?"

"Well yeah-"

"Then shut up already, god. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some flower petals to paint black."

Cartman plunked down his last dollar and left the store, much to Steve's delight. Kenny purchased his flowers and left as well, walking toward home. He was sure he didn't get enough of an answer to satisfy Wendy, but at least he could go back to her with something. He had legitimately tried to get Cartman to talk, and now he was off the hook. His only obligations left were to talk to his sister about Token, and give Bebe her flowers. Maybe it was coincidence, or maybe some deserved good luck had finally come his way. Either way, things were looking up for Kenny McCormick.

At least until that drunk driver's car got onto the sidewalk.

As the life faded from his body under the tires of the vehicle, one thought came to Kenny's mind.

"Luck of the Irish my ass."

To Be Continued


	8. thinking about it

1Author's Note: This chapter contains racial humor that some may find offensive. Honestly though, if you watch a show like South Park in the first place, you should be able to handle what's in this fic. If you still hate racism though, go ahead and skip this chapter. You've been warned, so please don't flame me or anything. If you did, you'd just be a filthy nagger. :P

The second Kenny walked in the front door, his mother complained. She, along with the rest of the McCormicks, completely ignored the fact that the blonde boy had fresh tiretracks on his parka.

"Kenny, you're late for dinner!" his mom exclaimed.

Kenny rolled his eyes in response. "Sorry, I was busy being dead."

"What's with the flowers?" Stuart asked his middle son.

"They're for this girl at school."

Stuart smiled proudly. "Guess I'd better loan you some condoms."

"Stuart!" his wife snapped.

After setting down the goldenrod flowers in his room, the rejuvenated Kenny joined the rest of his family at the dinner table. He figured that now was as a good a time as any to bring up Token to his sister.

"Katie"

"Yeah?"

"You should go out with Token."

Katie turned her head toward Kenny. She looked confused. "Huh? Why?"

"For one thing, he's rich."

"So? Everyone's rich compared to us."

"Now hold on Katie," Stuart said. "If a very rich boy is interested in you, you should give him a chance."

Katie sighed. She wasn't going to let Stuart pressure her into dating some guy. "He's also black, dad," she said.

Stuart frowned. "Oh. Never mind."

Katie smiled. That was that with her father.

"Since when do you want me to date him?" Katie asked of her youngest brother. "You just chased him out of here with a baseball bat."

Kenny once again searched his brain for a false answer. Dammit! Why did these people have to be so questioning? He truthfully didn't give a shit about Token's love life, and his little sister's love life was the absolute _last_ thing Kenny wanted to think about, but he had made a deal and he had to try at least a little to get the result that was asked of him. If he didn't, he might not get repeat business the next time Token needed a favor. Kenny told himself he should've held out for more than a hundred bucks. This whole thing was becoming a pain in the ass.

"Maybe he was a retard how he did it, but he seems to really want you," Kenny finally said. That was pretty much the truth. Token was now completely fixated on Katie, even if for the wrong reasons.

"I don't know..." the girl said.

"Honey, why don't you just go out to dinner with this boy?" their mom suggested. "If you like him, you'll be glad you did and you'll have yourself a new boyfriend. And if you don't like him, you don't have to see him again and you get a free meal out of it."

"Just remember when you're out with him to order a large bucket of chicken so you can bring some home to us," Stuart said.

Misses McCormick glared at her husband. "Stuart, you racist bastard! Not all black people eat fried chicken!"

"Okay okay, some ribs! Whatever else they eat! I don't know!"

Katie stared down at her current meal. It was a rather gross-looking TV dinner. She poked at the meal with a plastic spork in contemplation. After choking down a single bite of the generic, tasteless slop, she sighed.

"Well, I guess going to dinner with him wouldn't hurt," Katie confessed. "At least then he can't say I didn't give him a fair chance."

"Cool" Kenny said unenthusiastically.

Kenny's thoughts returned to the upcoming day. He'd have some good news to report tomorrow to Token. Not so much in Wendy's case. Best of all though, he would get to give Bebe her flowers. His thoughts about Bebe and the flowers turned his thoughts back toward Cartman. He wondered how the fat boy's own plan to win a girl over through flowers was going.

Cartman smiled politely when the door opened. He had his hair combed neatly and the painted roses displayed in his hand for all to see right away.

"Hello Misses...Um...Henrietta's mom," Cartman began. "Is your lovely daughter home?"

The older woman smiled back down at the young gentlemen standing at her doorstep. "She certainly is. I'll go get her."

"Thank you."

As soon as the lady was gone, Cartman's face returned to its normal state. His cheek muscles would no doubt hurt tomorrow from all that smiling, but it'd be worth it if he could win that bet with the guys. Cartman went over the sales pitch in his mind as he waited for the goth girl to come to the door. Despite numerous rejections so far, Cartman told himself he could do this. He was a great salesman. Surely he could sell himself too.

Couldn't he?

"Yah, what do you want?" the girl questioned with a cigarette dangling from her mouth.

"Hello Henrietta!" he said warmly. "These are for you."

Cartman held out the black rose bouquet. The goth girl accepted them. Unfortunately for Cartman, while most girls were overcome with joy at the sight of a man bringing them flowers, Henrietta just saw a great place to dump her ashes.

"AYE! Those cost a lot of money!" Cartman protested as the girl ground out her cancer stick.

"They smell like paint anyway," she remarked.

Cartman sighed. He decided to cut right to the chase. "Look, there's a school dance coming up. You wanna go?"

"I don't go to conformist dances."

"I figured you'd say that. But think about this a second. I'm giving you a great opportunity here. You can be seen, in public, with me."

Henrietta blinked, still uninterested.

"What, do you not realize how kewl I am? If you go to the dance with me, you'll be popular. If you're popular, you'll actually be able to make some friends who aren't goth. Isn't that really what you want? Deep down inside, I think you're just depressed you don't have any friends. I can give you those friends. I can give you a reason to not be depressed. To not put on this little goth facade the rest of your life. You don't care about being an individual. You just use the whole loner thing as an excuse. Isn't that true?"

Henrietta shook her head. "I don't want friends. The conformists have friends because they believe that popularity equals happiness. I'd rather be miserable and alone then conform and stop expressing my individuality."

"...Sweet then," Cartman said. "Well then let me tell you something else. No girl at school will go out with me. I've been rejected lots of times now. Think about how original and non-conformist you'll be by going to the dance with me. I'm the boy that nobody wanted. I'm...I'm alone. I'm totally alone. Just like you."

Cartman made sure to frown extra hard when his sentence ended. Henrietta looked at him for a moment, contemplating his words.

"I'll think about it."

Instinctively, Cartman replied with "Fine! You don't know what you're missing, slut! I don't need...!"

Cartman paused. Confused, his head tilted to the side. "Ex-excuse me?"

"I'll think about it," she repeated.

Cartman's jaw dropped. Henrietta blinked again. Getting no response from the boy, she said "later" and shut the door in his face. Cartman closed his opened mouth and shook his head clear a few seconds later, snapping himself back to reality.

"...She said maybe..." he confirmed softly to himself. "She said maybe!" he said more audibly. "...YES! YES!"

He spiked the bouquet to the ground in celebration and began a brief victory dance. After regaining his composure, he walked back toward his house before the goth bitch had a chance to change her mind.

"That money is as good as mine."

To Be Continued


	9. you know what they say about fat girls

1Author's Note: Much like on South Park, a lot of this fic was inspired from real-life. I had no idea how allegedly straight guy characters would make another guy sound appealing to women. I did what Stan and Kyle did to try and figure it out, and the things I saw...Wow. Also, Token and the other SP boys really do have Wikipedia pages. I hope you all will continue to read and review this fic. Especially the review part. There are some major twists coming.

The next day Stan and Kyle were seated together inside the school's library. Quietly contemplating to themselves, the boys stared at a computer monitor featuring the word "Wikipedia", and a picture of Token's smiling face.

"We're in trouble dude," Stan said.

"I know," Kyle agreed. "I can't think of anything nice to say about that asshole."

"Well we have to think of something. He was supposed to have a date with Katie set up yesterday. He's failing us."

"I can't lose fifty bucks to Cartman, Stan. I don't even _have_ fifty bucks."

"We're not going to lose," Stan assured his friend. "There's no way Cartman can get a date. He's a way bigger butthole than Token is. Are you sure you know how to hack these computers?"

"I'm sure. Every girl who comes in here is going to see Token's page. If even one of them thinks he's cool and asks him out, we're safe."

Stan sighed. "Dude, maybe we should just _tell_ Token we have money riding on him."

"No way. He's a rich asshole. Rich assholes know how to bend things to their advantage. If we tell Token we're betting on him, he'll just refuse to date anyone unless _he_ gets something out of it. We'd be totally screwed."

"Yeah I guess you're right," Stan admitted.

"This is the best plan. We just have to think of what to say."

A few more minutes passed. Neither Stan or Kyle made a single addition to the boy's page.

"I've got it!" Stan finally said. "Let's look at personal ads."

"Personal ads?"

"We're trying to make Token sound appealing to girls, right? If we look online at what guys say about themselves in personal ads, we can just copy that stuff onto Token's page. He'll sound all cool without us having to even think of anything."

"Yeah! That might work!" Kyle said with rising excitement.

The boys left Wikipedia and began browsing Craigslist instead. Their eyes widened and their jaws dropped as the subject line of each ad appeared on the screen.

"Jesus Christ!" Kyle said. "Is _every_ guy on this site just looking for weird sex from girls?"

"Dammit" Stan said. How dare a bunch of perverts ruin his sweet plan.

"Wait, they have a gay section too," Kyle observed. "You think they'll have normal ads?"

"I don't know."

Kyle clicked over to the gay section of the site. Unfortunately it became apparent as they scrolled down the page that the gay section was just as bad if not worse than the hetero one.

Even more unfortunately, the boys had company.

"I always knew you two were flamers."

Stan and Kyle jumped up out of their seats. The computer window was minimized. They turned around, and were relieved to discover it was only just Cartman standing behind them.

"What the hell do you want Cartman?" Stan asked. He already sounded annoyed.

"Well apparently not the same things you guys want," he teased with a knowing grin.

Kyle rolled his eyes at the fat boy. "We were trying to find something nice to say about Token."

"Sure you were" Cartman said sarcastically.

"What do you want?" Stan repeated. He now sounded even more exasperated than before.

"Oh, not much. I just wanted to tell you guys that I got a 'maybe' response from a girl! HA!"

Stan and Kyle glanced toward one another. Was Cartman lying? Was he bluffing? Was he trying to scare them so they'd negotiate a sort of 'out of court' settlement on the bet? Either way, Kyle and Stan both knew they couldn't Cartman see them sweat.

"A maybe isn't a yes," Kyle pointed out.

"But it will be soon," Cartman replied.

"It doesn't matter. Token will have a date way before you do," Stan said.

"Only if one of you fags dates him."

"We're not gay!!" Kyle snapped.

The school librarian promptly shushed the loud boy.

"Just came to tell you assholes the good news. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date to go get. I'll expect my money in cash gentlemen."

Cartman walked off with an extra spring in his step. It drew a simultaneous glare from Kyle and Stan.

"Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"We're in trouble dude."

Kenny was excited to say the least. Today was the day he'd give Bebe the flowers and score her as his date to the big dance. He hope that he'd score something -else- from her after the big dance was over.

There was just one problem. In order to ask Bebe out, Kenny needed to actually find her. Why was Bebe never around when Kenny wanted her to be? He searched the hallways repeatedly for a sight of that blond frizzy hair, but came up short. Well, sort of. While he didn't find Bebe, he -did- spot her best friend getting a drink of water from the fountain down the hall. He approached her.

"Have you seen Bebe?"

Wendy turned around to face Kenny. She smiled when she noticed him holding the flowers. She wanted to believe they were a gift from Cartman, but she also knew better now than to make such assumptions. Since Kenny got right to the point, so did she.

"No" she replied. "Have you seen Cartman?"

"Yeah. I saw him yesterday."

"And?!" she asked excitedly.

"And, I still don't know shit."

Wendy's eyebrows furrowed upward. "You were _supposed_ to figure it out!"

"I tried. All I know is he says he can't ask you out."

Wendy's anger gave partial way to sadness. Her lips formed a small, almost invisible frown. "Why not?" she asked.

"No idea. All I know is he said he couldn't ask you out, and he's planning to ask out Henrietta."

"Henrietta?! That goth girl?!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Why?! Goths sit around drinking coffee and complaining about corporate America more than I do! You're telling me _Cartman_ would rather ask out someone like that than me?!"

"I guess." Kenny shrugged. "I asked him why he wouldn't ask you out but he wouldn't tell me. I brought your name up and everything. I really tried."

Wendy sighed. "Fine, you're off the hook I guess."

"Cool. If you see Bebe, tell her I'm looking for her."

Ignoring Kenny's request to pass the message along, Wendy posed another question.

"Kenny, this doesn't make sense. Why Henrietta? She smokes and she's depressing and she's fat. I know Cartman's just after money here, but he could ask out anyone and just as easily win or lose his stupid bet. Why not me? Why her?"

Kenny pondered the question for a second before answering. If he was attempting to help Wendy, he failed horribly.

"Well, I'm guessing, but you know what they say about big girls."

"...No" Wendy admitted. "What do they say?"

"Oh boy..." Kenny hesitated. How could he explain this to a feminist without getting slapped across the face?

"Kenny, I want to know. What do they say about fat girls like Henrietta?"

"Promise you won't hit me."

"What?"

"I'll tell you if you promise you won't hit me for saying it."

Wendy blinked. "Okay, I promise I won't hit you."

"They say big girls are good at giving blowjobs."

Wendy stuck to her word. She didn't hit Kenny. She did, however, kick him very hard in the shin.

"OW!"

"That's offensive! It's stereotypical! It's sexist!"

"Look, you can either stand here being pissed at me for what they say, or you can grow some balls and ask Cartman out yourself. I tried to help. I told you what he's gonna do, so go stop him from doing it if you want him so much."

Kenny stomped off before Wendy could possibly hurt him again. He needed to find Bebe anyway.

Wendy's head began to race with numerous questions. Would Henrietta go out with Cartman? If so, was it too late? Would it be fair to screw up Cartman's bet? Would it even be fair to help him -win- his bet? With the way he was behaving, did Wendy even -want- to date him at this point?

She answered the last question easily. Yes.

No matter what the method to Cartman's madness was, Wendy still found herself infatuated with him. There was no reason to like a guy like him in the first place, but she did. She liked him despite the fact that he always was and always would be a selfish, racist asshole. She couldn't stop liking him now just for being a seemingly blind, selfish, racist asshole.

Wendy still couldn't risk the humiliation of asking out Cartman herself, but she _could_ try and stop the date between Cartman and Henrietta from happening. She would locate the fat goth girl as soon as possible and for once get some straight answers about what was going on.

The bell rang. Wendy began moving down the hallway toward her next class. As she passed the slightly obese boy Clyde, two more thoughts entered Wendy's mind.

Did the offensive stereotype Wendy heard from Kenny also apply to large men? And, if it did and in some insane way were true, wouldn't that mean that Cartman would be good at it?

Wendy's mind quickly switched back over to school subjects.

To Be Continued


	10. tension builds

1Wendy wasn't normally a fast eater, but she made sure to wolf down today's lunch at a rapid pace. She planned to use the majority of her free period to locate and talk to Henrietta. She didn't care how her faster consumption of food looked to others, until Bebe made a remark that slowed her down.

"God Wendy, you're really inhaling that food. Are you pregnant or something?"

"No!" Wendy said back with an angry glare on her face. "I'm just in a hurry."

"For what?"

Wendy sighed. If she was going to tell anyone the situation, it might as well be her best friend.

"Cartman asked out Henrietta. She hasn't said yes yet, but she might. I want to meet with her and at least figure out what's going on."

Bebe frowned. "That sucks."

"I know."

"Well you aren't alone. The guy I want to go to the dance with hasn't asked me yet either."

"Which guy is that?"

"Kenny."

Wendy swallowed another bite of food. "That reminds me, he's looking for you. You might get your wish."

Bebe smiled. "Really?! Cool! I hope so. Ever since that night at your house, I feel like we have a real connection going."

Wendy knew that the 'connection' the blondes shared existed mostly on a superficial level, but she decided not to say so out loud. Instead she shrugged her shoulders and continued to eat as quickly as she could. She finished and stood up from the table.

"So what are you gonna do when you see Henrietta?" Bebe asked.

Wendy sighed. "Honestly? I don't know. I want to at least know why Cartman chose to ask her out in the first place. Why she's wanted, and I'm apparently not."

"Good luck" was all Bebe managed to say before Wendy walked away from their table.

Once her friend was gone, Bebe checked her watch. There was only a few minutes of lunch period left. If she was going to run into Kenny outside of class, she needed to be quick about it.

Like Wendy, Bebe began shoveling food into her mouth.

The locating part was easy. Everybody knew that the goth kids preferred to hang out behind the school building rather than inside of it. This was true even during class time. Wendy spotted the tall goth kid first. He was sitting on the ground along with another goth who wouldn't stop flipping his hair. The two appeared to be working on a poem together.

"Dude, what word rhymes with death?" the tall one asked.

"Meth?" said the other.

"Yah, that'll work."

"Have you guys seen Henrietta?" Wendy asked.

"Over there." The goth with the red streak pointed his finger in the general direction.

Wendy walked a bit further. The youngest goth male was taking a nap on a blanket. A _black_ blanket. Finally, Wendy spotted Henrietta.

She was standing alone against the school's brick wall with a lit cigarette dangling from her mouth. Wendy was glad the confrontation would take place in semi-private.

"Excuse me?"

Henrietta exhaled her cigarette's smoke. "Yah?"

"I want to talk to you about Eric Cartman."

"What about him?"

"Are you going to the dance with him?" Wendy hesitantly asked.

"I don't know."

"Well you shouldn't!" Wendy blurted out suddenly. It looked like she had made her decision about what to say.

"Why not?" Henrietta questioned.

Wendy took a deep breath. "He's manipulative, evil, rude, selfish, stupid, a bigot..."

Henrietta lit up another smoke as she listened to Wendy continue on her knowledgeable rant about Cartman. She was calling him every name in the book. The goth girl fully expected to be here a while.

Wendy finally concluded her anti-Cartman tirade with "And besides, _I_ want to date him!".

She took another deep breath to regain some oxygen. Unfortunately, she coughed it back out. Some of Henrietta's smoke was now filling that air.

"Can you put that out please?"

"A cigarette is the closest thing I'll ever experience to joy. I'm not surprised you want to cause me pain like all the other conformists by telling me to put it out."

Wendy stared at the other girl, not having a clue what she was talking about. What was wrong with not wanting to get cancer?

"Just please don't date Cartman."

"If he's so bad, how come you wanna date him?"

"I wasn't going to at first. I had every intention of turning him down if he asked me. But he never did, and that bothers me for some reason. I can't explain it really. It's just...something about him."

Henrietta blew more smoke toward Wendy. "My life is already filled with pain. If he has a hold over your heart, maybe he'd have it over mine too. If he does and I turn him down, my life will become even more miserable."

Wendy coughed again. "_Please_ put that out! You aren't supposed to be smoking on school grounds anyway."

"You aren't supposed to smoke anywhere. The conformists are trying to-"

Wendy cut her off with another question. She still had another question that needed to be figured out, and besides, that talk about everyone being a conformist was getting pretty annoying.

"Why did he ask you out? Was it only to win a bet?"

"A bet?"

Wendy nodded. "I know he's got a bet going that he can get a date to the big dance before someone else, but I don't know why he's asking out the people he is. Did he tell you he liked you? Did he tell you why it was you he wants to go with and not me? Am I really just _that_ undesirable?!"

Henrietta shrugged. "I think you're hot."

Wendy's eyes widened. "What?"

"All goths are bi," Henrietta explained.

Wendy ignored the remark. "So what did Cartman say to you when he asked you out?"

"He just told me how alone in the world he is. Just like me."

"Well what about those three goth friends of yours?"

"Yah, they're all alone too."

Wendy stood in silence as numerous thoughts simultaneously entered her brain. She thought about what she might have just jeopardized for Cartman and whether or not it was right to do. She thought about the kind of person Henrietta seemed to be. She tried once again to figure out the method to Cartman's madness, and came up short. Most importantly, she thought about how she was on the verge of losing the only man she had eyes for. She didn't even know _why_ she liked him. It was an unexplainable, indescribable something that drew her to the bastard. It must have been love, because Cartman certainly wasn't doing anything to keep her heart hostage like that. How could she give up on love, even if it was unrequited?

Answer: She couldn't.

Henrietta removed the last two cigarettes from her case and tossed the empty container in a nearby garbage can. She placed one stick between her lips.

"May I have that other one?" Wendy asked politely.

"Thought you didn't like them," Henrietta said.

"I don't, but I could really use one right now. Please?"

Henrietta passed over her last cigarette. Wendy accepted it with a "Thank you" and a smile. After lighting up for herself, the goth girl also tossed Wendy the necessary lighter. Wendy caught it successfully and lit the end of her cigarette.

"Stay away from my man!!!"

Wendy's cigarette was immediately ground out on Henrietta's cheek. The girl's lips parted wide open as she felt the stinging burn, causing her own smoke to fall out of her mouth onto the ground. Henrietta quickly moved away from Wendy until her back was touching the wall. She clutched her cheek and glared at the other girl.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL BITCH!?" the goth exclaimed.

Wendy dropped her extinguished cancer stick next to Henrietta's in the dirt. She gladly stomped both of them out. Wendy glared right back at the girl, totally unafraid. She directed Henrietta's attention to the crushed smokes with her pointer finger.

"These are going to be your face the next time if I see you at that dance with Eric Cartman! I love him, and _no one_ is going to screw that up for me if I can help it!"

"Okay! Christ!" Henrietta agreed.

"Good. I'm glad we understand each other."

Wendy stomped away in a huff, which soon evolved into a triumphant march. She felt very good that she had stopped Cartman from getting a date, but her happiness soon gave way to a physically sickening combination of both guilt and hopelessness.

Wendy knew that her efforts were going to prove futile. How much longer could she keep threatening girls at school? How much longer until Cartman succeeded in securing himself a date? He was a master at manipulation. He'd find a way to get what he wanted. Worse than that, what if Henrietta _was_ what he wanted? That would mean Wendy had just screwed over the boy she claimed to love. Cartman certainly saw _something_ in these girls that made him want to ask them out. Whatever it was he saw in them, he certainly didn't see the same thing in Wendy. Even if she told Cartman how she felt, which she just couldn't bring herself to do, she already knew thanks to Kenny's information that he wouldn't respond the way she wanted him to. No matter what she did, she couldn't hold on to him forever. Thanks to her actions though, right or wrong, she had gained at least another day. Another twenty-four hours to hope. Another day to fantasize about what could be. Another morning to love an unattached guy who she could, theoretically, have.

She'd be sure to make the most of the time.

The entire hallway was staring at Henrietta. Students speculated in quiet whispers about what she could possibly be doing inside the school for once, and how she got that mark on her face. Most believed it to be self-inflicted and moved on with their lives.

One person wh didn't believe the wound to be intentional was Cartman.

"The hell happened to you?" he asked as she approached him.

"Stay away from me you conformist asshole!" Henrietta exclaimed in a rare display of emotion.

Caught off-guard, Cartman only managed to ask "Huh?"

"You and your little girlfriend can have each other!"

"What girlfr-"

The interrupting slap stung a little, but it still wouldn't end up looking as bad as Henrietta's burn mark. Cartman sighed and rubbed his slightly bruised cheek as the goth girl stormed off. It was yet another rejection, but this time it was fishy. Cartman wondered to himself what non-existent girlfriend she was talking about. It made no sense.

Until Stan and Kyle entered the hallway.

"YOU!" Cartman accused with both fingers pointed. One aimed at Stan, one at Kyle.

"Hey Cartman" Stan said.

"Don't you 'Hey Cartman' me asshole! You're behind this aren't you! The _both_ of you are!"

"Behind what?" Stan wondered.

"Oh, right, like you don't know. Very clever gentlemen. Lie to my almost date and tell her I have a girlfriend already. You wanna play rough? Well I can play rough too!"

"Bullshit Cartman! We didn't do anything!" Kyle defended.

"That's fine. I'm gonna go 'not' do something myself. It's on you sons of bitches! It is ON!"

Cartman stomped away, already plotting out a revenge in his head.

"Dude, what _did_ you do to him?" Stan asked when the coast was clear.

"Nothing! I swear!"

"Me either" Stan agreed. "Weird."

Stan and Kyle continued to walk down the hall together. They stopped at the same locker and began pulling out the items they needed for class. A few quietly snickering students walked past them. Neither boy understood what was so wrong with sharing a school locker. They also still had no idea why people assumed they were gay.

"You guys!" Token excitedly called out from down the hallway.

Stan and Kyle's heads turned. "What?" they said together.

"She said yes! Katie said she'd go to dinner with me tonight!"

They frowned together. "Dinner?" Kyle questioned. "Not the dance?"

"No, but I'm sure after tonight she's gonna like me. And then we _will_ go to the dance together!"

"Great" Stan said unenthusiastically. "Let us know when that happens."

Token nodded and ran off, presumably to get ready for his big date.

"You think _he_ did something to Cartman?" Kyle speculated.

"Who cares? As long as he helps us take Cartman's money."

"H'yeah. What are you gonna buy with your half?"

Stan shrugged. "You?"

"I don't know."

Stan shut the locker. "So, have you talked to Kenny again yet?"

Kyle scoffed. 'Hell no. Have you?"

"No. I think we have to wait for him to come to us. He said he'd talk to us after he got his date, but we won't know when that is until he tells us.."

"I just hope it's soon dude. I'm getting sick of all this crap about dating and dancing."

"Yeah" Stan agreed. He paused, then asked in a concerned tone of voice "But, _we're_ still gonna hang out together at the dance right?"

"Oh, yeah totally."

"Cool" Stan said with a smile.

Kyle returned the smile. Once again he was in perfect sync with Stan. Their mouths resembled two perfect triangles with teeth.

They continued to stand around smiling and looking at one another until the bell rang, then went their separate ways to class. As they walked away, they shared the same thought: How long until lunch period? They just couldn't wait to be together again and continue their talk about the totally lame dance they were going to together.

In a non-gay way.

To Be Continued


	11. mccormick dating

1Author's Notes: Some of you have asked me why each chapter starts with the number one. There's no reason for it. It's just something screwy that happens with FFN. It doesn't appear that way in any of my writing programs. Apparently it has done it to other authors on here too. I've no idea how to fix it. I hope you can look past it and enjoy the story. I'd also like to say that I don't' know how funny or dramatic this chapter is, but I wanted to get something posted again. I hope you all will keep reading and reviewing. Thanks to all of those who have so far. :) Oh, and for anyone who doesn't already know, FFN isn't currently sending out e-mail alerts for reviews, favorite author updates, etc. Please let everyone know who might care. And now, this chapter.

Kenny checked out his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Not caring for how his hair looked, he ran a comb through it. He still didn't like his appearance afterward.

"Fuck it" he decided.

Kenny pulled the hood of his parka up over his head and tightened the strings around his face. Perfect! Now he could face Bebe. He saw her following him toward the bathroom when he went in. He hoped she was still waiting outside to ambush him.

Bebe stood just around the corner from the boys bathroom. She had seen Kenny go in a few minutes ago. Now she was patiently biding her time until he came back out. It was all planned in her head. She would 'accidentally' run into him as she turned the corner, forcing a conversation to begin when one of them said "I'm sorry" or something of that nature. They would engage in some small talk. By the end of that conversation they would have a date planned for the dance. Suddenly, the bathroom door creaked open. Bebe stuck her head just barely around the corner. Kenny was coming out. Bebe quickly popped a breath mint in her mouth and whirled around the corner. Likewise, Kenny power-walked in the girl's direction.

They bumped into one another. Literally.

"Ow!" they said in unified pain just before instinctively taking a few steps away from each other. The clumsiness made them both smile.

"Hey" Kenny said.

"Hey" Bebe replied. "Wendy said you're looking for me?"

Kenny smiled wider. "Mm-hmm. I wanna give you something."

Bebe giggled. "Really? What?"

Kenny turned around and walked down the hallway. He waved his hand as a signal for Bebe to follow him, which she did. They went to Kenny's locker. The blonde girl waited patiently while Kenny spun the dial on his combination lock. After a few seconds the lock came undone and the locker opened. Kenny reached inside and retrieved the bouquet he had been keeping safe all day.

"Here." He held out the flowers for Bebe to accept.

Bebe went wide-eyed at the sight of the goldenrod. She took a sniff and snatched the flowers in both hands. "Oh my god!"

"H'yeah I thought you'd like them," Ken said proudly. "So anyway, the big dance is coming up and-"

Bebe interrupted quickly. "Kenny, what kind of flowers are these?"

"Goldenrod. Anyway, I was thinking we could-"

Shocked and disappointed, the girl cut him off again.

"_Kenny_!" I'm _allergic_ to goldenrod!"

"...What?"

Bebe opened her mouth. Whatever she was going to say never made it out due to a massive series of sneezes.

"_Shit_! I'm sorry!" Kenny exclaimed.

Bebe couldn't respond. The sneezes kept coming. "Bless you" over and over again was all the embarrassed boy could think of to say. Bebe hurled the bouquet back at Kenny and ran in the opposite direction, sprinting for the girls bathroom to find some much-needed tissue paper.

Kenny caught the flowers, then glared down at them. They had ruined his chance at Bebe. At least for now. Kenny contemplated going back to the flower shop and demanding a refund from that Steve guy. Then he remembered that he had used Token's money to get the bouquet in the first place. Good! Otherwise he would no doubt be raising all kinds of hell with that florist right about now. The bell rang, letting students know that lunch period was over. They had to get to their next class. Kenny sighed. He wanted to wait for Bebe to return from the ladies room so that he could apologize some more and maybe try to woo her again, but judging by the sounds in there she wouldn't be out for a while. Certainly not before the next class started.

Kenny began the slow walk toward math class. On his way, he spotted a shining silver garbage can off to the side of the classrooms. He walked over to it, took one last look at those damn goldenrods, and dropped the entire bouquet straight down into the metal container with the rest of the trash.

"Token, I feel weird."

Truthfully, Katie had good reason to feel strange. She wasn't wearing an expensive business suit or a fancy new dress like the other people inside the restaurant Token brought her to for their date. Most everyone she passed did a double-take when they saw her dressed in slightly beat up jeans and a plain tee shirt.

"It's okay," Token assured her. "Do you know what you want to order?"

Katie's eyes moved up and down her menu indecisively. "I guess the spaghetti."

Confused, Token glanced over his menu more carefully. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "You mean the pasta fedelini."

"Right, the overpriced spaghetti with a fancy Italian name," Katie agreed casually.

Token closed his menu and set it down on top of Katie's. He smiled at her. She didn't yet smile back.

"You know what's nice about you?" Token said. "You aren't like other girls. You aren't impressed by my money."

"If you already know that why did you bring me here?" Katie asked.

"Well, because it's normally where I'd go. I'm just being myself."

"And I'm just being _myself_," Katie agreed. "But that's the problem; We aren't alike."

Token shrugged. "They say opposites attract."

"Token, I appreciate you taking me out for an overpriced spaghetti dinner, but I really don't think this is going to work."

Token frowned. "Why not?"

"We're too different."

"Only economically. You don't even know if we have anything in common."

"You don't know that either," Katie pointed out.

"Well we should find out."

The girl's mouth stopped moving. Token had a point. "Okay" she agreed. "What's your favorite movie?"

Token sipped his complimentary ice water, contemplating the answer. "It's kind of old, but I liked _Old Yeller_ a lot."

"Me too," Katie agreed. "It's so sad."

"Yeah. What about your favorite band?"

"Umm...Green Day is pretty cool."

"Yeah!" Token exclaimed. "See? That's two things in common right there."

Katie couldn't help but laugh at the boy's growing excitement. Happy to see her finally responding positively to him, Token's smile grew wider. Katie found it to be a cute smile. In fact, Token was pretty cute all around in her opinion. She didn't dare tell him so out loud though. At least not yet.

"Okay, so we have a few things in common," Katie admitted. "You're still a rich kid."

"Oh come on!" Token pleaded. "I can be a normal kid too. Just give me a chance."

"This _was_ your chance," she reminded him.

"What's so bad about being rich?" Token asked. "I don't get it. It just means I can give you stuff you normally wouldn't have."

"It's how your wealth makes you treat people that I don't like."

Token paused, thinking this over.

"I don't know; I think I'm getting better. I didn't even try to bribe you to go out with me this time."

Katie laughed again. "I guess for you that's a start."

"So will you go to the dance with me? Please?"

Katie sighed. "Well..."

"Token!"

Both members of the couple turned their heads to the side. The distracting voice exclaiming Token's name belonged to Cartman. Token sighed. His exasperation was growing. Cartman was messing with his progress to score a date yet again.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I know; I'm surprised to see you here too," Cartman answered. "Especially so soon after the breakup."

"What breakup?" Katie asked.

Cartman sighed. He closed his eyes and removed his hat, as though he were engaged in a moment of mourning. "Look I won't take up much of your time. I just want to say that Butters is my friend. I brought him here tonight to cheer him up and, well, Token as long as we're all here, I think you owe it to him to apologize."

"What's he talking about?" Katie asked. Token could only shrug his shoulders. He was just as confused as she was.

"I really think you should see him Token. Just for a minute?" Cartman bargained.

Unsure of the situation, Token blurted out a skeptical "okay" reply.

"Token, seriously, what's going on?" Katie asked.

"I have no idea," he answered honestly.

"Butters!" Cartman called out.

"Yeah?"

"Come over here please!"

Butters rose from his seat a few tables over. He joined Cartman and the dining couple. He seemed to frown when he noticed who was sitting at the table.

"Oh. Hi Token," Butters said. His voice seemed to completely lack any enthusiasm or joy.

"Um, hey," Token said back, totally normal.

"Eric, please don't make me do this," Butters said. "I can't face him right now."

"Butters I really think this is the closure you need," Cartman insisted.

The blonde pouted and did his best to look Token in the eyes. Just before losing his courage and looking away, Butters asked what appeared to be a very difficult question for him to ask.

"Token, how come we aren't boyfriends anymore?"

Token's jaw damn near hit the table. "WHAT?!"

"He's your _boyfriend_?!" Katie shouted.

"No!"

"Right, they broke up," Cartman corrected. "But it's okay Token. Butters is ready to forgive you and move on. Aren't you Butters?"

Butters nervously ground his knuckles together. "Well yeah I guess so. I'll just miss you that's all. But if you wanna go out to dinner with stupid girls instead, I guess I can't do nothin' about it."

Katie frowned at her date. "You're such a jerk!!"

"Katie, I swear it's not like that! Cartman's lying! He just wants you to hate me so you'll go to the dance with _him_!"

"That's not true," Carman said. "This skank already had her chance with me. In fact, I'm asking out another girl tomorrow. We'll leave you to your date now. As for you Token, you shouldn't keep living in denial like this. If Butters can forgive you, why can't you forgive yourself?"

Token glared at the fat boy. "You lying son of a-"

"Token, I think I should just go," Katie decided. "I don't want to be some gay guy's beard on a dinner date. Or at a dance. Goodnight."

Token's eyes widened. He wondered how the hell she could be buying into this. "Wait a minute! This is bullshit!"

Katie reluctantly stood up from the table. She didn't want to believe something so horrible. She knew how manipulative Cartman could be. She'd seen him wrap her brother around his little finger from time to time. But, while she knew Cartman might be motivated to lie about such a thing, Butters Stotch was considered quite the honorable boy. He wouldn't lie. The hurt in his eyes seemed all too real to be anything fabricated. Katie turned her back to the boys and left the restaurant, despite Token's please to come back.

When he noticed the server returning to the table with food, Cartman sat down on what was Katie's seat across from Token. He grinned devilishly, while Token's face returned to an angry glare. His head moved back and forth, unsure if he was madder at Cartman or Butters at the moment.

"What the hell?! Butters you and I were never boyfriends!"

Seemingly hurt from the statement, Butters crossed his arms and let out a huff of air. "Well we're both sure as heck still boys, and you were my friend, and in my book that made us boyfriends mister. Only now Eric says you ain't my boyfriend no more 'cause all you want to do is take out Katie."

Token sighed at the boy's naivety. "God dammit Butters, that's not what boyfriends means!"

"It's not?"

"No."

"This pasta is awesome!" Cartman remarked uncaringly as he wolfed down what was supposed to be Katie's meal.

"Cartman, why did you do it?"

Cartman wiped the tomato sauce from his mouth, his tone turning serious.

"Those assholes Stan and Kyle ruined my shot at a date by telling her I had a girlfriend. So now I'm playing rough too. If I have a girlfriend, _you_ have a boyfriend. I'm just lucky I spotted you when I came in to eat and got Butters here in time. You're a worthy opponent Token, but you're not going to beat me."

"Yeah I will. That's not fair what you did," Token protested.

"Anything goes now Token," Cartman warned.

"That's the way you want it? Fine!"

The boys both leaned over the dinner table. Their fiery eyes locked together, staring one another down. Neither one was planning on blinking first. Then, Butters interrupted the intense moment with another question.

"So are we still boyfriends?"

To Be Continued


	12. a woman scorned

1Following his dinner with Katie, which turned into his dinner with Cartman, which he still somehow ended up paying for because Cartman was just that persuasive, Token got into his limousine alone.

"Where's your date sir?" the driver asked as he held the door open.

"She thinks I'm gay," Token explained with a sad sigh.

"Why on earth would she think that?"

"Because of that asshole Eric Cartman. He convinced her I was gay because Stan and Kyle..."

Token paused mid-sentence as he sat down in the back of the limo. What _did_ Stan and Kyle have to do with it? How did them ruining Cartman's shot at a girlfriend, or so he claimed, relate to their on-going competition? It's not as if Token told them to do that. As his driver shut the door, Token pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed a number.

"Hello?" a groggy voice answered a few seconds later.

"Stan, it's Token."

Stan groaned. "So?"

Stan's sleep had obviously been disrupted. Token decided to get straight to the point.

"Cartman ruined my date with Katie. He said you and Kyle ruined _his_ chance with a girl. What's going on dude?"

Stan was suddenly wide awake. He sat up in his bed and brushed the messy black hair out of his eyes. "Cartman's full of crap. We didn't do anything."

"Well he says you did."

Stan cursed under his breath. He and Kyle had agreed not to let Token in on the fact that they were betting on him. Not wanting Token's suspicions to continue, Stan quickly tried changing the subject.

"How'd he ruin your date?"

"He told her I was gay. Now she'll never go the dance with me."

"God dammit," Stan swore more audibly. "Don't worry Token; me and Kyle will talk to her. Fat ass isn't gonna get away with this."

"I hope not. I really like her Stan. We have some things in common, and the best part is she likes me for me; not for my money. My whole life I've had to wonder if girls were really into me. I know she is. She's so honest. And pretty. And-"

"I'm going back to sleep now," Stan cut him off. He was too tired to care about the boy's mushy love-rant.

"Oh, okay," Token said. "You're sure there's nothing else going on here?"

Stan cleared his throat nervously. "Y-yeah dude. Positive."

"All right. Goodnight Stan."

Click.

The next day was turning out to be a surprisingly good one for Wendy. She didn't see Cartman all day at school and there were no new rumors of him asking out other girls. The lack of Cartman developments put Wendy in just the positive mood she needed to be in for her planned after-school activity.

Wendy headed to Raisins after classes ended for the day. Not to eat or to work, but to protest. Local feminist organizations had been trying to close down Raisins for years, but so far none had been successful. Wendy was hoping to change that. She proudly marched outside the front door of the establishment holding up a sign declaring the business sexist. Bebe was the only other girl from school marching with her. Bebe's pink-colored protesting sign, which was written out entirely in glitter, suggested she was only there to support her best friend rather than the feminist movement. Still, Wendy appreciated the support.

"Are we almost done? My feet hurt," Bebe complained.

"Bebe we need to march until closing time. People need to know this place is exploiting women."

The blonde sighed. "Fine."

With no one coming in or out of Raisins, Wendy decided to make small talk with her friend as they marched. "So, did you ever find Kenny?"

"Boy did I," Bebe answered sadly. "He gave me flowers I was allergic to and I ran away sneezing like an idiot. He'll probably never speak to me again."

"Over some sneezing? I doubt it. It's Kenny, not Cartman."

"Yeah, I guess. Since you're insulting Cartman I guess you still haven't asked him out huh?"

Wendy sighed. "No."

Bebe shook her head. "Wendy, if he won't come to you then you _have_ to go to him. You don't have a choice here."

"Well why the hell can't he ask me out?!" Wendy asked and/or challenged. "What the hell's wrong with me? Am I his last choice or something? It sucks."

What Bebe observed happening next inside of Raisins would suck even more. She noticed Cartman at a table. Worse than that, she noticed him talking to Porsche. She debated in her head whether or not to call it to Wendy's attention. The fat bastard may have just been there for lunch.

"I'll be right back," Bebe said. She put down her sign and opened the Raisins door.

"Bebe!" Wendy exclaimed in horror. She grabbed her friend by the arm, stopping her movement. "What are you doing?"

"I just need to use the bathroom."

"You don't use the enemy's bathroom. Go find another one."

"Wendy I _really_ have to go," the girl insisted. "It's not like I'm buying anything."

Wendy let go of Bebe's arm. She had spent her free time supporting Wendy's cause. The least she could do in return was let her use the nearest bathroom.

"Fine."

Bebe bolted inside. She moved toward the ladies room but quickly took a sharp left when she finally spotted what she was actually looking for: the nearest empty table around Cartman. Bebe took a seat and hid her face in a menu. She prayed the staff was busy enough that they wouldn't notice her. Pretending to read the specials, she listened in as closely as possible to Cartman's conversation.

After taking down the last of the boy's massive order, Porsche stared at Cartman for a moment. He stared right back.

"...The hell do you want?" Cartman asked.

"Wow! You're like, soooo fat! I once saw a bird that was almost as fat as you, but it wasn't nearly as fat and it could fly when it flapped its wings! Can you fly when you flap your wings? One time I found a feather in my bucket of chicken and-"

Cartman cut her off, seizing the opportunity. "Yes, I _can_ fly actually. You see..." He leaned in close to her, whispering. "...I'm a super hero. Do you like super heroes?"

"Whoa! A super hero?"

"Yeah" Cartman assured her with a sly wink.

From her table, Bebe rolled her eyes. "Oh brother."

"Do you know My Little Pony?!" Porsche asked excitedly.

"Er, sure I do!"

"Ohmigosh, that's sooo kewl!"

Cartman nodded, not even sure himself where he was going with this one. "Y-yes. Yes it's very kewl. Um, you wanna go to my school's dance with me and meet her?"

Porsche grinned wide. "No thanks! Have I ever shown you my coin collection? It's in my purse and it gets smaller every day! Maybe 'cause I always use the vending machines or something. Ew! I saw an ant in there the other day!"

Cartman closed his eyes and sighed. Surely he was capable of landing a stupid girl who didn't know his reputation very well. He _had_ to be. The dance was getting closer and closer and time was running out. Cartman mentally called back everything he'd ever learned about girls, hoping it would work on this dumb bitch. He remembered something he had once told Jimmy. It seemed to work rather well before. Hopefully it would this time too.

"Really? That's very interesting. Please tell me more."

As instructed, Porsche kept talking. And talking, and talking. Cartman naturally drowned her out, but Bebe's ears could only take so much. She slammed her menu down on the table and stomped over to where Cartman was seated.

"You disgust me!" she exclaimed.

Porsche frowned. "What did I do?"

Bebe pointed her finger. "Not you! Him!"

"Ah, hello Bebe," Cartman said smugly. "Did you finally realize how awesome I am and come to try and get me back?"

"No!"

"Dammit" Cartman said. If that scenario had been the case he wouldn't have to be stuck at the dance with a yapping air head.

Bebe looked over at Porsche. "Don't you have tables to wait on?"

"Ohmigosh that's right! I'll sooo go get your order now!" Porsche said to Cartman. She walked away, much to the delight of both Bebe and Cartman.

Bebe continued. "Jesus Christ Cartman, what are you doing hitting on Raisins girls?"

"What the hell do you think? And why are you getting involved in my business anyway? I hope you know you ruined my chance with her. Did Stan, Kyle or Token put you up to this?"

"_You're_ the one ruining your chance at a date!"

Cartman's ears perked up. "What do you mean?"

Bebe opened her mouth again, but no words came out. She wondered if she should really be talking to Cartman about this. Obviously the news would be better coming from Wendy, but she was clearly too chicken to say anything.

"Well?" Cartman questioned again.

If Bebe brought up Wendy to Cartman at all, it would make it obvious that Wendy liked him. If Cartman knew that and didn't feel similarly, he would have power over Wendy. Power that he could use to get God knows what. Eric Cartman with power was a very bad thing and everybody in South Park knew it. As much as it pained Bebe to see her friend's love for a boy go unreturned for whatever unknown reason, it would pain her even more to see Cartman possibly holding the knowledge of Wendy's love over her head. It was a risk she wasn't willing to take.

"...Nevermind!" she finally answered out loud. She stormed away before the subject could continue. Bebe could feel Cartman's confused stare chasing after her. Luckily his body didn't follow it. That was no surprise considering he had food coming.

When she got back outside, Bebe felt another pair of eyes staring her down. Wendy's eyes. Bebe could tell that Wendy was either annoyed, angry, or both based on her hands current placement on her hips.

"Just going to the bathroom?"

Bebe improvised. She had to come up with something that wasn't a complete lie.

"I ended up talking to a guy."

"You're giving up on Kenny so soon?"

"Oh. Well, no."

Wendy blinked, now confused herself. "Then what-?"

"Hey we should get back to protesting!"

Bebe picked up her home-made sign and began marching back and forth. Unfortunately, Wendy wasn't buying it.

"Bebe what's going on?"

The blonde sighed. There was no use hiding it.

"Wendy, I saw Cartman inside. He's going after Raisins girls now. He didn't get one yet, but you should really ask him out before it's too late."

Wendy paused. Her eyes once again filled with emotion, followed by her face. Her thoughts drifted away from protests, and school, and love, and everything else.

"He's doing _what_?!"

"Asking out Raisins girls," Bebe repeated.

Wendy turned away from her friend. She was becoming so worked up that her body visibly started to shake.

"Wendy? You okay?"

She wasn't okay. Not by a long shot. Wendy raised her arm and tossed her anti-Raisins sign far down the street in frustration. It shattered upon impact. Had Wendy been a boy, she would've been offered some kind of sports scholarship on the spot for her impressive distance throwing.

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" Wendy shouted for the world to hear.

Now afraid for her own safety, Bebe took a few steps back.

"I _hate_ Raisins girls!" Wendy explained. "They're a _horrible_ representation of women! They're stupid, shallow, and act like whores! _That's_ what that asshole is putting before me?! _That's_ what he fucking wants now?!"

"Wendy calm down!"

"NO!! No I won't calm down Bebe! Cartman isn't just rejecting me now; He's insulting me! A Raisins girl is the exact opposite of everything I stand for! He wants to bring _that_ to the dance?! He notices _that_ before me?! That fucking jerk!"

Unsure what to do, Bebe looked away from Wendy's trembling back. As she turned her head she once again spotted Cartman through the window. She noticed that this time Cartman's eyes were locked on her as well. Or at least, they were gawking back through the window in her general direction. Bebe observed that Cartman seemed to suddenly lose all interest in Porsche, or the countless other girls walking around inside. He just sat there munching on some hot wings and staring outside with an undeterminable expression on his face.

"Oh my god..."

"What?" Wendy snapped irritably.

"Wendy don't you get it?! He's trying to make you jealous!"

Wendy turned back to face her friend. "What?"

The gears in Bebe's head continued to turn. She began reviewing the evidence and then speaking it out loud, trying to piece together the puzzle like a detective. In her opinion, Cartman's unreadable stare said it all.

"This is totally something he'd do. He _wants_ you all pissed off like this. He asks me out right in front of you, asks out another girl through a note _you_ have to pass, calls you and asks you if _you_ can set him up, and _now_ he just happens to be asking out girls you hate at a place you're protesting. This is one big plan to get you so worked up that _you_ ask _him_ out! That way he can't be rejected! It's a really mean, manipulative, evil, but also really smart plan Wendy!"

In a split-second, Wendy's anger began to fade. "Are you sure?" she questioned. She didn't want to get her hopes too high.

"No. But it makes a lot of sense doesn't it?"

Wendy turned herself toward the window, seeking out Cartman for herself. Their eyes met through the glass. Bebe kept one attentive eye on Cartman, the other on Wendy. She saw Cartman's eyes look away almost as soon as they came into contact with Wendy's gaze.

"Yeah, it makes sense," Wendy decided. "But it's still wrong Bebe. And I'm going to show Cartman that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I won't just let him manipulate my emotions like that. Asking out a Raisins girl is the last straw. If he's trying to make me jealous, I can play that game too."

"What are you going to do?"

Suddenly, Wendy smiled the oh-so-wicked smile of a woman scorned.

"Give Cartman a taste of his own medicine."

To Be Continued


	13. revenge

1author's note: Thanks for sticking with this story those of you who have. BIG stuff happens this chapter!!

The next day, Stan broke the news of Token's misfortune/suspicion to Kyle.

"Dammit!" the Jew exclaimed.

"Kyle it's cool," Stan assured his friend. "We'll talk to Katie."

"It's _not_ cool dude. The dance is next week! We need to get them together _right now_!"

"I know," Stan admitted. "But we will. Where is she?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"She's in biology."

Seeking out the source of the comment, Stan and Kyle's heads turned. It just so happened the voice was coming from Kenny.

"Wow Stan, look who finally decided to speak to us," Kyle remarked sarcastically.

Kenny, who was standing at the other boys' sides, carefully stepped closer.

"Oh come on! I had a good reason," Kenny argued.

"Yeah, a girl. Great reason," Stan said with a vocal tone just as backhanded as Kyle's was.

"I'm sorry okay? I shouldn't let a piece of ass come between us. Especially if she hasn't even said yes yet. I could end up with no friends _or_ ass doing that. That's not cool."

Stan and Kyle looked at one another. Stan spoke up first.

"All right, I guess you've learned something today."

"Yesterday, but yeah."

"So Katie's in biology?" Kyle asked again.

"Yeah, but you might wanna wait to talk to her."

"Why?"

"She wasn't in a good mood after her date last night. Did you know Token's gay?"

"He's not. Cartman just has her thinking that," Stan said. "We have to tell her the truth."

"And I have to try to get my date again," Kenny informed his friends.

"Again? Why, what happened?" Kyle asked.

Kenny groaned in embarrassment.

"Let's just say I gave her multiple nose-orgasms."

Stan and Kyle raced to the biology room. They would only have a few minutes between classes to talk to Katie and set things right. As the classroom started to empty, the boys kept their eyes peeled. Stan called out once he spotted the girl.

"Katie!"

"Oh, hey guys," she said.

"Katie, Token's not gay," Stan said quickly.

"Huh?"

"Eric Cartman is a lying, manipulative bastard," Kyle explained casually. "He's just trying to screw Token over."

Katie's eyebrows rose. "You think I don't know that already? Butters seemed pretty sure they were gay together too."

"No way dude. Token's been obsessed with you all week," Kyle informed her.

"Yeah he even called me last night and told me how into you he is," Stan added.

Katie paused. Her eyebrows rose in contemplation. Stan and Kyle glanced at one another. Each one smiled hopefully. Finally, Katie responded.

"Wow, now I _know_ he's gay."

"What?!" the boys said together.

Katie explained. "You two are the biggest closet cases in school. So much so that _you_ don't even know you're gay yet. If you two are so sure Token's straight, he must be a huge flamer."

The smiles were replaced with shocked eyes and low-hung jaws.

"No!" Kyle said. "Katie, we swear, Token seriously likes you."

"Guys, I don't know if Token paid you to help him out or you're just trying to be nice, but I don't date gay guys. I'm sorry."

The girl turned away from Kyle and Stan, walking off to her next class.

"Katie! Come back!" Kyle pleaded.

She ignored the calls.

"Katie we mean it! Token's straight!" Stan added. As he watched her disappear down another hallway, he threw in "Aw-Aww!"

"_Now_ what do we do?" Kyle wondered.

Stan wouldn't have time to answer the question, and Kyle wouldn't have long to think about it himself. Unfortunately for the boys, Wendy was just getting out of biology class too.

Wendy sprinted over to Kyle the minute she saw him. He was perfect for what she had in mind. She gripped Kyle by his coat and spun him around so that he was facing her.

"You're going to the dance with me!"

It wasn't a question. It wasn't an invitation. It was a fucking command. Kyle stared at Wendy momentarily, observing the fiery passion in her eyes. He then looked downward, noticing the firm grip she had on his jacket. He met her gaze once more and said the first thing that came to mind.

"No I'm not."

Wendy rolled her eyes. The Jew had replied as though Wendy had accidentally mistaken her date. Clearly Kyle didn't understand the situation.

Stan stood back, shocked to see Wendy behaving like this. Just like Kyle, Stan noticed the angry look on her face. He decided it was best to stay out of this one.

"I'm not asking you; I'm telling you," Wendy said.

"But I don't want a stupid date to the dance," Kyle whined. "I don't even like you that way."

"That's okay; I don't like you either."

Kyle blinked. "Huh?"

Wendy sighed. "As usual, Cartman's been making my life miserable. I think he's even trying to make me jealous. Either way he's screwing with me and I don't like it. I want revenge, and you're the perfect person to help me get it."

"Dude, why me?"

"Cartman hates you. It'll hurt him seeing his worst enemy at the dance with a date. And if I'm right about him trying to make me jealous, it'll hurt even worse since I'm the girl he wants to be with."

Kyle frowned. "Wendy, that's not cool."

"I'll decide what constitutes proper revenge here, thank you very much."

Kyle finally struggled and broke free of Wendy's grasp. He stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not having any part in this. Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Kyle, Cartman is always making your life a living hell right?"

The redhead waffled slightly, uncrossing his arms. "Yeah."

"Well for once, wouldn't it be nice to have something over him? Something you could torture -him- with for a change? Don't you ever want to stand up for yourself? To give him what he deserves for all he's put you through?"

"...Well...Well sure I wanna do that sometimes but-"

"Then go to the dance with me," Wendy encouraged. "We're going to make that fat asshole pay together."

Kyle only had to think about the offer a fraction of a nanosecond.

"Yeah okay."

"_Kyle_!!"

The protest came from Stan's mouth, but it was far too late. The wheels were in motion. Before Kyle could respond to his best friend, Wendy had more instructions.

"Pick me up at seven. And _please_ try to work on your slow dancing. I don't want you stepping all over my feet."

Kyle nodded. "Got it."

"Great! See you later Kyle."

"See ya."

As Wendy walked away, Kyle smiled. That is, until he saw his best buddy's eyes burning a hole through him.

"What?" Kyle questioned.

Stan placed his hands on his hips. "Kyle, _we_ had plans to go the dance! Remember?!"

Suddenly, it all came flooding back into Kyle's mind. "Shit. I'm sorry dude."

"You're sorry? Sorry isn't good enough Kyle!"

"Stan, you saw yourself how forceful she was being. She's pretty convincing too."

"She wouldn't convince _me_ to bail on my plans with a friend!"

Kyle scoffed. "Easy for you to say. _You_ don't have to put up with Cartman like we do!"

"Oh, it's _we_ now is it? Fine Kyle! Have a great time at the dance with your date!"

Kyle sighed. "Stan, come on."

Stanley answered Kyle with a raised middle finger. He would not in fact 'come on' as requested.

"I have to go to class. Later asshole."

"Hrrugh!" Kyle huffed out angrily.

The boys finally went their separate ways, stomping down opposite ends of the hall.

Still in a foul mood, Stan continued his powerwalk after class ended. He muttered to himself as he moved, not caring which students he pushed his way past.

"That son of a bitch. Who does he think he is? Forgetting about our plans for some stupid revenge. And who does Wendy think _she_ is? She could ask plenty of guys to make Cartman jealous. Why the one _I_ had plans to hang out with that night? You don't just take someone else's best friend to the dance!"

Stan stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed Bebe examining her hair in her locker's vanity mirror. Suddenly, Stan's lips formed a vengeful smile of their own. Stan decided then and there that Wendy and Kyle needed to see how they were impacting other people. In one foul swoop he would show Kyle how it felt to be ditched for a girl and also show Wendy what it felt like to have your best friend unavailable to hang out due to a date with the opposite sex. Stan approached the blonde.

"Hey! Bebe!"

The girl jumped back, slightly startled by the greeting. At least it succeeded in tearing her away from her mirror.

"Jesus! Oh, hey Stan. Don't scare me like that."

"You wanna go to the dance or something?!" Once again the 'offer' to go to the dance came out sounding rather angry and demanding.

"Oh. Well actually I like this guy and-"

Stan was too mad to listen. "We'll have a _great time_!" Stan promised hostilely. "Way better than that dick Kyle's gonna have! I'll pick you up at seven! No! Six-thirty! And we'll drive by Kyle's house on the way!!"

Bebe blinked. "Stan, I said I can't go with you."

"YES YOU CAN!"

"OKAY OKAY!" the frightened girl shrieked out instinctively. She also extended her purse outward, in case Stan demanded money next.

"Great! See you then!"

Stan walked away, still pissed off. Bebe caught her breath. She was still shocked by the random, heated invite. She settled down and focused her attention back on the mirror. She smiled when she noticed another boy approaching her, this time coming up from behind so he was visible in her mirror. She smiled, which the boy noticed thanks to the same mirror's reflection.

"Hey Kenny."

"Hey" he said back. "How's it going?"

"Well, I'm not still sneezing if that's what you mean."

They shared a small laugh.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"That's okay. You didn't know."

"So anyway, the dance is coming up," Kenny observed.

"Yeah, it is," Bebe added.

Kenny nervously tightened the strings on his parka. "Soooo...You wanna go with me?"

Bebe pouted. "Um, I can't."

Kenny frowned just as hard. "What?"

"I want to, but I sort of...already agreed to go with someone else."

Kenny's fists clenched. "Who?"

"Stan. I'm sorry Kenny. I really like you and everything. He just came up to me and-"

"No, it's cool. Forget it," Ken said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll see you later."

Bebe called out Kenny's name one more time to make sure he was okay, but he had already walked away from her as fast as his legs could carry him. To say he was crushed was an understatement. In fact, Kenny knew he would almost prefer a boulder falling on him in a comedic fashion to the pain and humiliation this news had caused him. The first girl he had truly fallen for in some time, and she's going with Stan? Kenny cried bullshit on that one. He was hurt for sure.

He would make sure to inflict twice that amount of hurt on Stan when he saw him next.

To Be Continued


	14. revenge for previous revenge

1Author's Note: I was a little disappointed with the number of reviews for the last chapter, considering that some big stuff happened there. Thanks to all of you who are continuing to follow this story, and to those who are just discovering it. I hope you all enjoy where it goes. Remember, more reviews equals faster updates.

"I'm gonna kick your ass."

Stan blinked. "What?"

"I'm gonna kick your ass," Kenny repeated. His hands balled up into threatening fists.

Stan held up his hands defensively; his palms aimed in Kenny's direction. "Whoa, whoa! Kick my ass for _what_ dude?"

"You know goddamn well what! Now either fight back or I'm _really _gonna hurt you."

"Kenny I have no clue what's going on," Stan said honestly. "If we're gonna fight I at least wanna know why."

Kenny sighed. He made a mental note to inflict pain first and ask questions later the next time he got into a fight, much like an action movie hero would do. Deciding it was too late now to just haul off and hit his friend, Kenny explained the situation.

"You're taking Bebe to the big dance."

Stan's eyebrows furrowed. "I sure am!" he exclaimed bitterly. "To get back at that asshole Kyle!"

Kenny's fists dropped, his own anger vanishing slightly as brief confusion overcame him. "Huh?"

"Me and Kyle were supposed to go hang out at the dance together all night, right? But then freakin' _Wendy_ asks him out to get revenge on Cartman, and he just agrees to go! He totally ditched me! So now I'm getting revenge on them both for getting their revenge by taking out Bebe. See?"

"...No. All I know is before you got your revenge on them for getting their revenge on Cartman, Bebe was supposed to be _my_ date to the dance. Now _I've_ gotta get revenge on _you_!"

Stan blinked as the numerous motives for vengeance swirled around and interacted inside his now confused brain.

"...Sooo, wait. You're getting revenge on me for asking out Bebe to get my revenge on Kyle and Wendy for ditching me to go out so they can get revenge on Cartman, right?"

"Yes dude!"

Looking puzzled, Stan's hand scratched his head.

"So does that mean Kyle's gonna have to go to the dance with you now?"

"_What_?! No! I don't wanna go to the dance with Kyle!" Kenny exclaimed. "I _wanted_ to go with Bebe, but you fucked it up!"

Stan frowned. "Dude I'm sorry okay? How was I supposed to know Bebe was the girl you were trying to ask out? Look, if it means that much to you I'll call off the date."

"Oh no, forget it. I don't want your sloppy seconds."

"My what?"

"Are you fighting me or not?" Kenny reminded him. "Let's go, pussy!"

Stan closed his eyes and shook his head. "Kenny, don't do this. It was an honest mistake."

"Yeah? Then how come when I asked her out, she didn't break off the date with you?"

Stan paused. "I don't know."

"Because she likes you," Kenny assumed. "You stole my piece of ass whether you meant to or not, so now we have to fight."

"Kenny I'm not going to fight you."

"Fine. It's your funeral."

Kenny's hands returned to being balled-up fists of fury. A murderous expression formed on his face. Kenny moved forward, stalking Stan, who backed away out of reflex. Kenny drew his arm back and shifted his body, putting all of his weight behind the upcoming blow. Finally, Kenny's fist flew forward. The hard, brutal punch connected.

Unfortunately for Kenny, Stan managed to see the punch coming and closed the door of his bedroom by the time Kenny threw it. Kenny's fist connected, but it was with Stan's wooden door.

"OW! Son of a bitch!" Kenny said. He clutched at his now sore hand.

Seizing the opportunity, Stan locked the door of his room from the inside. Now safe from harm, Stan walked over to his bed and laid down. From outside, he could hear Kenny growl. The boy began banging on the outside of the door.

"God dammit Stan, open up!"

"No" Stan answered simply.

Kenny banged louder. "I mean it! I want payback!"

Stan rolled over in his bed. "No" he repeated just as calmly.

Back in the hall, Kenny blinked and stopped his pounding on the door. He hadn't foreseen this. He made another mental note. This time, to get into more fights. The only street-fighting rule he was familiar with was to not get into any at school because people would just break them up too soon. Kenny vowed to himself then and there that he'd never again go to a friend's house in order to fight them.

Defeated and pretty embarrassed, Kenny turned away from the bedroom door and began what would feel like a million-mile walk for home. On his way, numerous people entered his mind. He thought about Bebe and how she seemed to like Stan better. He wondered if his recent avoidance of Kyle and Stan in order to get with Bebe was some kind of ironic karma coming back to bite him on the ass. He thought about the school's big dance, and if he even wanted to go now that Bebe would be there with someone else. He thought about how, if he went, he'd stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone in school had a date now. Well, everyone except for Token and Cartman.

It was on that thought that Kenny stopped walking. He paused briefly, then turned and sprinted down a side street.

It was a well-known shortcut to Cartman's house.

Once he arrived at the Cartman house, Kenny's uninjured hand eagerly rang the doorbell. Eric answered it, looking annoyed. He hated when his mother was "out working" at night and couldn't get doors or telephones on his behalf.

"What the hell do you want?" Cartman asked.

"Retribution."

"Why, what'd I do to you?" Cartman asked.

"Not against you."

"Really?" Cartman asked, seeming truly surprised about that news.

"Yeah. Do you have a date to the dance yet?" Ken asked.

"No. Why?"

Kenny smirked.

"If you help me get what I want, I'll make sure you get one."

To Be Continued


	15. guy code

1Author's Note: Sorry if I accidentally teased you with KennyxCartman slash in the last chapter. I honestly thought I made it clear that those two are straight, and that it violated the rules of Cartman's bet anyway. I hope you'll all keep reading. There's plenty more stuff to come.

Eric raised his eyebrow. He was intrigued by Kenny's offer, but wasn't yet ready to commit to anything. He stepped back from the door, allowing Kenny entrance into the house so he could hear him out further.

"Who do you want revenge on?" Cartman asked.

Kenny smirked. "Stan. He cost me my date for the dance. One thing you know how to do really good is get even with people. I tried beating him up and that failed, so now I need something else. I figured your sadistic fat ass would be perfect."

"Thank you," Cartman said. "But how exactly are you going to help me get a date?"

Kenny shook his head. "You first."

"Why should I help you first?"

"Because if I help you first you'll just screw me over. I don't trust you."

Cartman scoffed. "Like I can trust _you_? You're poor!"

Kenny glared momentarily. "There's a girl at school who I'm pretty sure likes you."

Cartman's eyes began to sparkle with newfound hope. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, she hasn't told me so, but she tied me to a chair to find out who you're asking out and shit."

Cartman grinned. "Sounds like my kind of woman."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll tell you who she is if _you_ tell _me_ how to get back at Stan."

Cartman paced the floor of his living room in contemplation. Kenny took a seat on the couch, watching his best friend move back and forth. Cartman suddenly stopped and snapped his fingers.

"Got it! Stan taking Bebe to the dance violates guy code."

"Guy code?"

"You know, bros before hoes. Stan broke one of the unwritten rules between guys."

"Ohhh." Kenny nodded his head. "Yeah I know what you mean. Like, don't talk to each other at the urinals. Or, don't jerk off together unless it's back-to-back because then it's not gay."

Disgusted by the second example used, an angry, speechless Cartman stared down Kenny with furrowed eyebrows.

"...What?" Kenny asked innocently.

"_Anyway_, since Stan broke guy code, you can too. It's only fair."

"So what do I do?"

"One of the other rules of guy code is that you never date a guy friend's sister. If you and Shelly hooked up it'd -really- piss Stan off."

Kenny shook his head. "No way dude. Shelly is so..."

He trailed off, trying to find the right words to describe the older girl. He finally picked the one word to best sum her up.

"_Shelly_!"

"Good point," Cartman admitted. "All right, well what about hooking up with Stan's mom? That's another clear violation of the code."

"She's married," Kenny pointed out.

Cartman sighed. "Kenny, you're not helping here. What about one of Stan's ex-girlfriends?"

"He's only had Wendy, and she's off-limits too."

"Why?"

Kenny grinned. He knew it was due to the fact that Wendy was the girl he was telling Cartman about, but he wasn't going to reveal that information until Cartman came up with a satisfactory plan for getting back at Stan.

"For now, let's just say she's going to the dance with Kyle."

Cartman's body whipped around. He was now facing his blonde friend with a face that looked as if it had just witnessed the apocalypse.

"Wu...What?"

"She's going with Kyle," Kenny repeated.

Cartman stood still. His jaw seemed locked in an opened position. His eyes appeared stunned. Possibly even glazed over.

"So? How else can I get back at Stan?" Kenny asked.

Cartman said nothing.

"Cartman?"

Still no response.

Kenny stood up from the couch, approaching his fat companion. He waved a hand in front of Cartman's face to no reaction. Kenny cocked his head to the side, noting the peculiar behavior.

"Ummm...Well anyway, I'm gonna go home. When you think of something else, let me know."

"..."

Kenny showed himself to the door. Several minutes after his departure, Cartman slowly came back down to reality. He shook his head clear and blinked a few times, trying to fathom what he had just heard.

"...She's...She's going with Kahl," he said to himself aloud, confirming the information to himself. "...Of course she is. Everyone's going with someone else. No one wants to go with me."

Cartman's head drooped. He sat down on his couch, feeling as though he never again wanted to move from that spot. He instinctively grabbed a remote control and began flipping through channels on the living room TV. His lifeless eyes tried to focus on one of the numerous distracting images. It didn't work. Cartman finally looked upward, posing a question to whatever God or Gods may be listening.

"Why Kyle?" he asked. "Of all the guys at school, _why Kyle_?!"

No one answered his question.

He'd have to figure it out for himself.

To Be Continued


	16. sexy doctor drama

1Author's note: Okay guys, I hope you've been enjoying my unusually frequent update streak. Thanks to all my reviewers and loyal readers. Now for some sad news. I'm going to be out of town the 14th through the 22nd, so you'll have to live without an update for a little bit. That's a big reason I've cranked out so many chapters lately. Want to get as much done as I can before I leave. This will in all likelihood be the last update before I bail. Hope you can survive while I'm gone. If I return to find many good reviews though, I'll be inspired to get started on the next chapter right away. Hint, hint.

As Kenny approached his house, his mind was immediately taken off of Cartman's odd behavior and the yet-to-be-executed revenge plot.

"What the fuck?"

Token's familiar limo was parked in the driveway. Kenny assumed his sister was all but done with the guy. Apparently he thought wrong. The blonde headed inside, hoping to God that he wouldn't catch his kid sister in some kind of compromising sexual situation. Katie was too young for that sort of thing, but in Kenny's perverted mind anything was possible.

"I'm telling you, I'm not gay!" Token exclaimed from another room.

"How do I know that?" Katie asked.

As Kenny walked toward his bedroom, he noticed the conversation seemed to be coming from the kitchen. He wasn't eavesdropping on the couple. He simply couldn't help but overhear them due to cheap, thin walls. He sat down on his bed and began removing his shoes.

"Butters didn't know what he was talking about. Look, ask any of my friends. I've looked at dirty magazines before! I've had girlfriends!"

"You could just be in denial," Katie pointed out.

"Do I _look_ like Stan and Kyle to you?"

Kenny had a good laugh at that remark. Until he remembered that Stan was taking Bebe out.

"Actually, _they_ told me you were straight too. Coming from them, that doesn't help your case much."

"Well, I _am_ straight. Katie you've gotta believe me. I came all the way over here to ask _you_ out didn't I? You, not one of your brothers."

"Token, I _want_ to believe you," Katie admitted. "But I don't know. We've still only had one date."

"But it went well right?"

"Well, yeah..." the girl confessed.

Kenny threw off his parka, followed by his socks.

"Then go to the dance with me," Token pleaded. "You can get to know me more there."

Bored, Kenny pulled a porn magazine out from under his bed's mattress. As he flipped through it he noticed that this issue, like many others, featured girls doing various activities in the nude. Sunbathing, playing tennis, and so on. After stumbling on the image of a blonde woman, Kenny's mind drifted even further toward Bebe. He wondered to himself what sort of inane pose she'd be doing in such a magazine if she ever appeared in such a thing. She had aspirations of one day becoming a doctor or a marine biologist. The addition of sea life would certainly make the images kinkier than anything these centerfolds were doing.

Although, Kenny reasoned, that would also be horribly, horribly wrong. Sexy doctor it was, he decided.

"I don't know Token," Katie said. "You've tried to buy my love before."

"I know, I know," Token said, sounding regretful. "That was a mistake. With me, that's usually all that impresses girls. But you aren't like them. That's what I like about you, and I like it a whole lot."

"So I'm not a gold-digger. That's not a very good reason to want to date me."

"Well, I like other things about you too."

"Like what?"

"I'll tell you on the way."

Kenny closed his magazine and began to eavesdrop. His brain could no longer focus on anything with those two talking in the other room. Maybe that was a good thing, considering he was still day-dreaming about the girl it appeared he could no longer have.

"On the way to what?" Katie wondered.

"Well, I remember you said you liked Green Day. I got us tickets for a show they're doing tonight."

Even though he was in another room, Kenny could still sense Token's happiness as he bribed Katie. He could visualize the smile on the black boy's face. Kenny smirked himself. In his opinion, Token was becoming quite smooth. Concert tickets weren't necessarily a "rich man's" present. That was a good start.

"Really?!" Katie asked, trying in vain to hide the excitement in her own voice.

"Yep."

Katie laughed. "You _knew_ I couldn't say no to that, didn't you?"

"Yep," Token repeated. "So you'll go?"

"Definitely! But I _still_ feel like you're trying to buy me off."

"I can't help that," Token argued. "It's a date. Money usually always has to be spent on something. We can have free fun sometimes too."

"I don't know. Let's just see how tonight goes first."

"Fair enough," Token said. "But if this date goes good, will you think about coming to the dance with me? I swear I won't spend a dime on you all night there," Token joked.

Katie laughed again. "Okay okay, I'll think about going to the dance with you."

"All right!" Token exclaimed happily. "I'll be waiting outside in the limo."

Kenny smiled. He was both happy for his sister, and happy that they'd finally stopped talking. For a second, Kenny wondered if maybe Token wasn't such a rich prick after all. He then wondered if Katie was wondering the same thing.

He suspected she was.

Not feeling like "reading" his magazine anymore, Kenny decided to try and get some much-needed rest. His eyelids shut a second after seeing Token's limo driving away.

He slept peacefully for all of about two seconds. The sound of screeching tires woke him up.

Like seemingly everyone else on the planet, Kenny couldn't resist seeing the aftermath of a good car wreck. He looked out his window with a grin forming on his face.

That is, until he saw the smashed-in tail end of Token's limo stopped in the middle of the street.

"Shit!"

Still shoeless but not caring, Kenny ran back outside and up to the rich boy's limo. He was greeted immediately by Token shoving a cell phone in his face.

"Call an ambulance!"

That evening, Kenny was in the hospital. Not due to another accidental death, but because his sister suffered the brunt of the crash. As the McCormick family waited to hear word of Katie's injuries, Kenny turned his head to address Token, who was also present and anxious to hear what was going on.

"Looks like your date didn't go well," Kenny observed.

Token glared at the blonde. "Gee, you think so?" he asked sarcastically.

Seconds later, Dr. Doctor arrived on the scene.

"I have good news and bad news," he announced. "The good news is Katie's alive. The bad news is..."

The doctor paused for dramatic effect.

"What?! For the love of God tell us!" Katie's mother demanded.

"I'm afraid little Katie is...in a coma..."

Katie's family gasped. Token simply frowned.

Dr. Doctor continued. "I realize this is a difficult time for you, but there _is_ the small matter of insurance to-"

"I'll pay for it," Token announced. He knew full well the McCormicks couldn't afford insurance.

"All right. Come with me Token; we'll sign the paperwork."

"Wait! What about Katie?!" the concerned mother asked.

"All we can do is hope she wakes up. Coma recovery generally takes two to five weeks. After that, we can start to worry."

Token's shoulders slumped as his lips curled into a frown.

"Dude, it's not your fault," Kenny assured him. "That fucking driver took off and Katie didn't have her seatbelt on yet."

"I know," Token said. "It's just..." He paused, wanting to be clear about where his concerns were. "...Not that it matters at this point, but the dance is going to be over by then."

"Oh," Kenny said with a nod. He was certainly understanding of Token's disappointment. As late as today he had been trying to win Katie over. Trying to convince her that he was worth going to the dance with. It consumed him. Now, that most likely wasn't going to happen. Kenny had been on a similar path with Bebe until recently. It sucked when the love of your life shot you down, whether it was for another guy or a hospital bed.

Token slumped away with the doctor to take care of payment matters. The McCormicks sat, hoping and praying that Katie would awaken soon.

To Be Continued


	17. tic tacs

1Authors Notes: I'm back! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I've included page breaks, so hopefully this will make my story easier to read. I've actually been including page breaks all the time, but FFN didn't include them for whatever reason. I'm going to go back and add them to my previous work.

The next day an exhausted Kenny almost literally sleep-walked his way through classes. When the bell for lunch period finally sounded, Kenny was happier than any other student. He gathered up some cafeteria slop to pick at and took a seat next to Cartman.

"Hey dude," Kenny said.

"How's it going?" Cartman replied.

"Shitty. My sister's in the hospital. She's in a coma. They don't know if she'll wake up."

"Uh-huh."

Kenny blinked, now noticing Cartman's seemingly preoccupied tone of voice. 'Uh-huh' wasn't the greatest of responses to tragedy.

"Um, I could really use the support of my friends right now," the blonde elaborated.

"Sweet. Hope that works out for you man."

Kenny's eyes glared at the dismissive fat boy. Why was he acting more rude and uncaring than normal today? Was his lunch really _that_ fascinating? Apparently not, because the fat boy had barely touched it. Kenny decided to find out what was going on, but first he needed to get Eric's attention.

"So I was fucking your mom last night."

"That's kewl," Cartman said, still ignoring him obviously.

"Oh it was _really_ cool," Kenny casually assured him. "I didn't have the five cents she normally charges guys, but she said it was okay."

"Killer" was all Cartman had to say to that.

Now Kenny was growing concerned. Not only had he just insulted another man's mother, but he'd also left himself wide open for a comeback. A poor guy not having five cents? Come on! The joke was _right there_ and Cartman totally missed it! Whatever he was focused on, it must have been damn interesting. Still, Kenny didn't feel like fucking around today. A swift slap to the back of the head finally drew Cartman's attention away from God knows what.

"AY!" he shouted as his hand reached back to rub the sore spot Kenny had left.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kenny asked.

"I'm watching _them_," Cartman explained in an angry whisper.

It was currently unknown whether Cartman's anger was directed at Kenny or the 'them' Cartman had his eyes on. What _was_ known from a turning of Kenny's head and a pointing of Eric's finger was that 'they' were Kyle and Wendy, who were seated together at a nearby table.

"It isn't right man. It just isn't right," Cartman complained as he continued to stare at the other table. "First Timmy gets a date, now Kyle? Has the world gone mad?!"

Kenny smirked. "Wow, are you jealous?"

"Shut up Kenny."

"You have a boner for her huh?"

"Shut _up_ Kenneh! I didn't say that."

"Oh, so you have a boner for Kyle then?" he joked.

"Please don't make me puke out my delicious lunch by suggesting I'm hot for Kahl. I'm Eric, not Stan."

The mentioning of Stan's name temporarily put Kenny's focus back on the idea of revenge. He still wanted to get even with Stan before divulging all he knew to his partner in crime, but he was starting to wonder if it was worth it. From the way Cartman was staring, Kenny suspected that his fat pal wanted Wendy. She seemed to want him too. If that was the case, it didn't seem right to keep them apart if they didn't have to be. Kenny had grown all too familiar with losing a hot chick to another guy. Why put Cartman through the same thing if Wendy's feelings for Kyle were non-existent?

Over at their table, Kyle sighed. He had to confess how he was feeling. He'd asked Wendy to sit with him today specifically for that purpose, but he hadn't yet worked up the nerve to say what he needed to. Finally, after swallowing the last of his garlic and onion flavored potato chips, Kyle spit it out.

"Wendy, I don't think I can do this."

Surprised by the statement, Wendy's head snapped up from her lunch tray. She looked at Kyle with angry eyes.

"What do you mean you can't do this?! We had a deal!"

"I know, but Stan's _really_ mad at me. I kind of forgot that we already had plans before I promised to help you get back at Cartman."

"Kyle, if I know Stan you two are going to make up soon. He can't stay mad at you forever; You guys are best friends. What were the plans?"

"We were going to the dance together to hang out."

Wendy paused, now more surprised than angry. "...So you guys are dating?"

Kyle violently stabbed his food with a fork. "NO god dammit! Why the hell do people think that?!"

"Well if you weren't breaking a date it's fine. You guys can hang out anytime. Besides, this is important. After seeing all the crap Cartman's put you through for years, I'd think Stan could be a little more understanding."

"Huh?"

"Well, you're finally finding a way to get to Cartman. If Stan's such a great friend, he should be happy for you."

Kyle sighed again. "I guess."

"So you're in? I really need you with me on this Kyle."

Suddenly, a flying carton of milk hit Kyle square in the face. Cartman's loud laughter gave away that he was the culprit.

"I'm in," Kyle confirmed through gritted teeth as the sticky white substance dripped off his face.

Back at the other table, Kenny blinked. Hitting Kyle with something and humiliating him surely brought Cartman joy, but there was still a chance it was done out of jealousy.

Kenny decided to give Cartman a fair chance. He'd had the last few hours to come up with better revenge plots. If his ideas continued to suck, Kenny wouldn't be missing much by advising Cartman to go claim his rightful date.

"So what about Stan?" he asked.

Still sidetracked, Cartman said "Huh? Dude I don't know! Just go to his house and give him an upper decker."

"A what?"

"You know, when you take a crap in the toilet tank instead of in the bowl. That'll show Stan."

That did it as far as Kenny was concerned. Cartman's mind was far too busy to come up with his usually brilliant schemes.

"Dude, just go ask her out."

"What?"

"Remember I said I could get you a date for the dance?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's because I know Wendy likes you."

Cartman's attention was finally pulled away from Kyle and Wendy's table. He looked at his friend and arched his eyebrows with cautious optimism. He awaited a punch line of some kind, but it never came.

"...Nuh uh," Cartman challenged.

"I'm pretty sure dude."

"What about Kyle?"

"Stan says she's doing that to get to you, and it looks like it's working."

Cartman ignored Ken's taunting. He was far more focused on the possibility that Wendy liked him. If that were true Cartman could, at the very least, easily win his bet. Except for one problem.

"But I already told you: I _can't_ ask her out."

"Why not?"

"Because!" Cartman spat defensively.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Stop being a pussy and do it already."

Cartman looked back at Kyle and Wendy, then turned to face Kenny again. Slowly, he rose up from the bench.

"...You'd _better_ be right about this."

"Like I said, she tied me to a fucking chair and interrogated me about you. Ask her out and win your bet already."

Cartman took a deep breath and very slowly made his way over to the other table. He looked back at Kenny once more for reassurance, who gave him an encouraging thumbs-up in response. Cartman turned back and approached the duo.

"What the fuck do you want?" a still-angry Kyle asked.

"Your money," Eric replied with a smug grin. He turned his attention to the girl at the table. "Hello Wendy."

A spiteful Wendy didn't even acknowledge the fat boy. "Can't you see I'm busy with my boyfriend?"

Cartman's and Kyle's eyebrows arched in unison. Kyle wasn't aware that he and Wendy were supposed to be a fake couple. Cartman just wasn't sure if the girl was being honest with him.

"Are you _sure_ he's your boyfriend?" Cartman questioned.

"I think that's something I'd be pretty sure of," Wendy replied.

"Well, it's _my_ understanding that this is all a show. A show being put on to get to me, because in reality, you like _me_ and not Kahl. Is that true?"

Wendy paused momentarily, but rolled her eyes in instinctive self-defense. "Who told you that?"

"I have my sources. Is it true?"

Wendy paused, looking across the table at Kyle for some silent assistance. The redhead shrugged and continued wiping milk off of his face.

Noticing the hesitation, Cartman's smile widened as his black heart filled with newfound hope. He continued.

"You know Wendy, the dance is coming up. If you _did_ like me, we could go together. You know you don't belong with this filthy Jew. Don't lie to yourself. Don't lie to me. We can both win here."

Wendy gnawed at her bottom lip, pondering the offer and her response to it. She looked up into Cartman's eyes, which appeared to be filled with both hope and happiness. Those feelings certainly had something to do with Cartman's desire for money, but it was possible that he also had authentic love for Wendy too. After all, up until now the fat boy had been oblivious to Wendy's feelings for him. Now, the second he heard something about it, he was right there in Wendy's face to question her and try and sway her to be _his_ date instead of Kyle's. The girl wasn't sure if the offer was genuine.

Without that knowledge, she had to keep up appearances.

"Does _this_ look like I'm lying?"

In an instant, Kyle was grabbed by his coat and pulled across the table. Wendy's lips smacked forcibly against his. Shocked, Cartman opened his mouth to try and speak.

He failed.

Convinced that Kenny's theory was wrong, Cartman slowly walked away.

Once he was gone, Wendy pushed Kyle away just as roughly as she'd pulled him into her,

"BLEH! Jesus Christ Kyle your breath is terrible!"

Kyle glared. "Gee, I'm sorry," he said sarcastically. "I didn't know I was gonna be _mouth raped_ today!"

"I'm sorry I had to do that. I needed to throw him off the trail."

Kyle crossed his arms over his chest, still fuming. "Next time, let me in on the plan."

Wendy nodded. "I will. Especially if you don't invest in some tic-tacs."

Kyle growled.

His anger was quickly interrupted by the sound of a stabbed Kenny falling to the cafeteria floor.

Many on-lookers saw an angry Cartman stomping away from the scene of the crime.

To Be Continued


	18. cartman's best day ever

1Author's Notes: Where'd all my readers go? Come on people! I know a lot of you have this story on your alerts/favorites list, which I'm incredibly honored by, but I have to ask: Where are the reviews?! If you love my story so much, tell me so! And, if you've already told me so once, tell me so again! This thing IS 18 chapters long and counting after all. I'd hope at that size you could find more than one chapter to enjoy and comment on. And now, chapter 18:)

"Hello?"

"Don't hang up! It's important!"

The first voice was Stan's. The more urgent tone was Kyle's. It was the first time they'd spoken since the initial fight, and Kyle wished it could've been under much nicer circumstances.

"What's wrong?" Stan asked with a hesitant but also concerned voice.

"Kenny and Katie are in the hospital, dude."

"The hospital?"

"Yeah. I'm there now. She's in a coma and Kenny got stabbed."

Stan frowned on his end of the line. "Shit. I'll be right there."

Kyle and Token were already present when Stan arrived on the scene. As luck would have it, Kenny and Katie were placed inside the same hospital room. Token was seated in a chair at Katie's bedside, Kyle in a similar seat near Kenny's bed. Since Token was wealthy, and because he would be at Katie's side for an indeterminable amount of time, he made sure to import a special chair for his seating needs. It was some large leather monstrosity with a vibrating feature and a cup holder. By contrast, Kyle was seated on a piece of cheap wood with a small, squeaky cushion attached to it for his behind.

To say that Kyle loathed the seating arrangement would've been an understatement.

Stan moved toward Kyle and Kenny as he entered, but addressed everyone generally for good measure. "Hey guys."

"Hey" the males said back.

"What happened?" Stan asked.

"Katie was in a car accident," Token said. "It's all my fault. If I didn't push her so hard to go out with me-"

"Token don't say that," Kyle assured him. "It wasn't _your_ car that didn't watch where it was going."

"Yeah" Kenny agreed.

Kyle looked toward the floor, feeling somewhat ashamed. "_I'm_ just sorry I didn't even know about it until I came to see Kenny."

"Me too," Stan agreed. His sorrowful eyes met Kenny's. "Sorry."

"It's cool. I just didn't get a chance to tell you guys yet."

"So what happened to you?" Stan wondered.

"_I'll_ tell you what happened to Kenneh."

Heads turned to look at a suddenly-present Cartman standing in the frame of the opened door. As the fat boy made his way inside of the room, Kenny and Kyle simultaneously shot him dirty looks. The mutual glares suggested Cartman had something to do with Kenny's hospitalization, but because it _was_ Cartman the other boys waited to hear what he had to say before passing judgment.

Kenny pointed a finger at Cartman. "What happened is you fucking stabbed me! Again!"

"Yes I did," Cartman agreed unapologetically. "Because _you_ gave me false hope and pissed me off. You suck for that. You suck super hard. So I stabbed you."

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Kenny said. "I thought she liked you, okay? I was wrong I guess. Christ, get over it!"

"Cartman that's not cool," Stan scolded.

"Know what else isn't kewl Stan? Stealing another man's woman."

"I didn't steal her!" Stan argued. "Not on purpose. Besides, this isn't the time for that. Right Kenny?"

Kenny's scowl had redirected itself Stan's way. With the chance of friendship being rekindled gone, Stan sighed.

Concerned and confused by the statements just made, Kyle spoke up again. "Wait, back up. What about stealing somebody's woman?"

"What do _you_ care?" Stan snapped at his Jewish friend. "Yeah Kyle, I'm taking Bebe to the dance! How do you like _that_?!"

"Brag about it why don't you?" Kenny said sarcastically. "Asshole."

Kyle's eyes widened. "You're doing _what_?! Why?!"

"Doesn't feel too good does it? Make sure to tell your little girlfriend about it."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "According to most of the fucking school, _you're_ my little girlfriend!!"

Kenny scoffed. "Tell that to Bebe."

"It was a fucking mistake Kenny! Deal with it!" Stan said angrily. He then focused his angry venom back at Kyle. "And like _I'd_ be the girl in this relationship! Yeah right!"

"Could've fooled me! We can hang out any time! What's your problem?"

"You are!"

"Ah go to hell!"

Cartman stood back, observing the chaos in silence with a huge smile on his face. He looked at his friends as they all continued staring each other down with hate-filled eyes. It was an orgy of angry testosterone ready to climax any second. As he watched his three closest companions bicker, the trio entangled in a web of jealousy and hatred, only one thought crossed Cartman's mind. He expressed the thought out-loud.

"This is, like, the greatest day of my life. Seriously."

Kyle temporarily broke the tension, addressing Cartman for the first time in a while. Being that he and Kenny weren't at odds, he could still stick up for his blonde friend.

"What the hell is wrong with _you_ anyway?" Kyle asked, pointing to Cartman. "You get pissed off so you just haul off and stab somebody?"

"It was a plastic cafeteria knife!" Cartman said defensively. "I didn't think he was gonna be such a little pussy about it."

"Fuck you!" Kenny exclaimed.

"What're you doing here fat ass?" an agitated Kyle questioned.

"Honestly? I came to finish the job on Kenny. But with all of you witnesses I guess I won't be doing that now."

"Good; leave then," Kyle encouraged.

"Not just yet Kahl." Cartman turned his body, now facing Token and Katie. "What do we have hyaw?"

"Car accident," Token repeated.

"Is she dead?" Cartman asked somewhat hopefully.

Token glared at him. "No! She's in a coma."

Cartman grinned. "A coma?" he questioned. Blatantly false concern rose in his throat. "Oh no! But that means she can't go to the dance with you."

"Well, yeah, but there's more important things to-"

"I guess you'll be finding another date then?" Cartman asked.

Token sighed, staring longingly at the unconscious girl. "No. I don't want any other date. Or any other girlfriend."

Cartman turned back to Stan and Kyle. His smile had now grown so large that it was starting to hurt the muscles in his face.

"Did you hear _that_ guys? Token doesn't _want_ another date."

Stan and Kyle's facial expressions turned fearful. They glanced at one another, briefly forgetting their own quarrel now that money was once again involved. The boys turned their focus to Token, who couldn't stop looking sadly at Katie's lifeless body.

"Did um...Did Katie _say_ she was gonna go to the dance with you before the accident Token?" Stan asked. "'Cause that still counts."

Token blinked. "No, she didn't. What do you mean 'still counts?' Still counts for what?"

"Uh, n-nothing."

"Great answer Stan," Kyle complimented sarcastically.

"Fuck you," Stan shot back.

"Greatest. Day. Ever," Cartman repeated.

Before anyone could say another word, Dr. Doctor entered the room.

"Oh my, it certainly is crowded in here. I'm afraid visiting hours are almost over. Anyone who isn't spending the night needs to leave now."

Not caring, Cartman was of course the first person to head for the door. He paused at the frame of the entrance again, winking over at Stan and Kyle as he spoke his last words.

"Later fags," he said. "I'd spend the night, but I don't have the money for a new sleeping bag. Not yet at least. Perhaps after the dance."

"Oh just get the fuck out you instigative asswipe!" Kyle shouted.

Cartman did just that.

Cartman walked-Nay, practically skipped-out of that hospital. The sight of his three friends ready to rip each other to shreds was practically orgasmic enough, but coupled with the fact that Kenny's sister was about to win him a ton of money? It only made the day all the sweeter.

Then, in an instant, it was all ruined.

Unfortunately, he couldn't avoid Wendy. She was entering the hospital through the same front door Cartman was currently exiting from. Just seeing her face reminded Cartman of a few things: One, he still had no date for the dance. Two, Kyle did. Three, Cartman had totally humiliated himself by doing something he damn well knew he couldn't do in the first place. He'd told Kenny that from the start, but all it took was a little persuasion. A little false hope dangled in front of him like a carrot in front of a hungry rabbit and Cartman gave in. He had let down himself by letting his guard down, and stabbing Kenny wasn't enough to make up for it.

Even if it felt really, really good to do so.

"Hi," a now dejected Cartman greeted the girl.

"Hi," Wendy answered, sounding just as upset as he was.

"Visiting hours are almost over," Cartman informed her.

"Oh. Thanks. I just came to check on Kenny. You really did a number on him."

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Everyone's pretty pissed off at each other."

"I'll take my chances."

The two continued walking past one another. Wendy quickly turned on her heels though, calling out to the fat boy.

"Cartman?"

Eric stopped dead in his tracks, also turning around. "Yeah?"

"Um...Have you found a date for the dance yet?"

"No" he admitted sadly. "I suppose that makes one of us, hm?"

Wendy's lips formed into a small pout. She certainly had a date, but not the one she truly wanted. Her stubborn attitude was just as bad as Cartman's was, and it was preventing her from achieving happiness. Assuming of course that Cartman truly wanted to be with her. Wendy wasn't going to allow herself to be with him just to win a bet. Wendy knew she was a person and not a lottery ticket. Still, the temptation to abandon the lie with Kyle was quite strong at the moment.

"Well, good luck," she finally blurted out.

"Thanks ho. Later."

With that, Cartman hopped on his bike and headed for home.

"Good luck?" Wendy questioned to herself.

Her palm quickly slapped against her forehead.

As he rode home, Cartman realized that his cheek-hurting smile had faded from his face. His day was no longer the best one ever. He blamed it all on the one he called a damn hippie. As he rode, he tried to think of a new name for Wendy. Something that would insult the fact that she was now, in his mind, a hippie/Jew half-breed.

Then Cartman groaned in disgust at the thought of Wendy and Kyle creating children together.

To Be Continued


	19. marsha brady

1Shaking off the embarrassment of putting her foot in her mouth, Wendy entered the hospital and approached the front desk for information. She did her best to forget about Cartman for the time being, but that was much easier said than done considering that Cartman was the reason Wendy was coming to see Kenny in the first place.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Kenny McCormick's room."

The receptionist pointed left. "Down the hall. Third door on the right."

"Thank you."

As she walked toward the room, Wendy's mind began to race. She realized she hadn't gotten Kenny any kind of get well gift. Then again, the injury just happened today. She reasoned that it was likely none of his visitors had brought presents. What does one get for a stab victim anyway? And why did Cartman stab him in the first place?

'Damn!' Wendy swore internally. There she went thinking of him again. She shook her head clear and took a deep breath. She had to focus. She entered the room and was immediately-and thankfully-distracted from thoughts of Cartman by the sight of a hatred orgy taking place.

Kenny and Kyle were both glaring at Stan. Stan was just as angrily focused on both of them, but he couldn't hold the cold stare for too long since he had to devote one eye to each friend. It was putting a terrible strain on his vision and might possibly freeze his face if his mother hadn't been lying to him all those years. None of them seemed to nice Wendy entering the room.

"Hi Wendy," Token sadly greeted. Token wasn't caught up in the hatefest. He was at Katie's bedside, watching over her with concerned eyes. She had yet to wake up. At this point, it wasn't looking good.

"Hi Token" Wendy said. She raised an eyebrow when she noticed Kenny's sister also occupying the room. "What happened to her?"

"A car accident," Token explained yet again. "She should've woken up by now."

Wendy frowned. "I'm sorry."

Curious, Wendy turned her attention to Kenny next. With both he and his sister in the hospital, it begged an obvious question.

"Kenny, where are your parents?"

Hearing his name being called, Kenny snapped out of his hate-trance to answer the question. This action flustered the other boys and forced their faces back to normal positions as well.

"They come by when they can," Kenny answered. "When did you get here?"

Wendy blinked in confusion. "I've _been_ standing here. What's wrong with you guys?"

"Oh like you don't know. I'm sure your boyfriend's told you all about it," Stan remarked sarcastically.

"I'm _not_ her boyfriend!" Kyle exclaimed.

Kenny turned his head toward Kyle. "You're not?"

"No!"

Surprised, Kenny turned back to look at Wendy. "Then why'd you kiss him?"

Stan's face became angry once more. Only this time, his expression was angrier and redder than before. His teeth clenched together tightly as his hands formed into clenched fists of fury.

"You guys kissed?" Stan asked.

"_She_ kissed _me_," Kyle defended.

"We had to do it Stan," Wendy explained. "It meant nothing and was honestly pretty disgusting."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Thanks."

"I don't believe this!!!" Stan shouted.

"Stan, you seriously need to get over this," Kyle said. "I'm finally doing something that's pissing off fat ass. For once, _I'm_ the one in control. _I'm_ the one making _his_ life miserable. You're supposed to be my best friend but you can't even support me."

"No I can't! Not when it means screwing _me_ over!"

"You're one to talk," Kenny pointed out. "You gonna kiss Bebe for payback too?"

Stan's urge to punch something was now through the roof, but he knew he'd never get away with it. After all, he was inside a hospital. Anyone his fists made contact with would get instant medical treatment, while he'd probably be hauled away and zapped with a tazer for his actions. The last straw had been broken as far as Stan was concerned. He decided to walk away under his own power while he still could instead of being forced into a relaxed state by a gang of savage orderlies.

"Later assholes" was Stan's way of bidding goodbye to Kenny and Kyle.

The still-sleeping Katie got a much nicer message. "Bye Katie. I hope you wake up soon."

"Bye Stan," Token said.

"Bye Token."

Stan simply whizzed past Wendy on his way out, saying nothing but glaring fiercely. Never one to back down, Wendy's eyebrows furrowed just as harshly as Stan moved by her.

Once Stan was gone, Wendy sighed. What was she doing glaring at Stan? She had no real issue with him. It was that same damn competitive spirit that was keeping her and Cartman apart. She couldn't just tell him how she felt. Oh no. She couldn't just go with him to the dance and get what she wanted. Not unless it was real on his end too. Not unless she got that all-important "I like you" answer first.

She began to wonder if she ever would.

Stan walked toward home as fast as his legs could carry him. He wasn't about to stay in a room with two pissed off friends and a girl who was also indirectly ruining his life.

During his angry power walk, Stan came across a tiny strip mall. He stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed through a clothing store's large display window that Bebe was inside the mall placing dresses against her body to see how well they'd fit her form.

Stan sighed and headed into the store. Despite how angry he currently was, Stan knew it would be best to end at least a little of this on-going fighting. He was capable of doing that, at least potentially, and for the sake of his friendship with Kenny he had to make the effort. Things had already gotten too far out of hand.

"Hi Bebe."

The blonde girl turned around, greeting Stan with her usual smile. "Oh, hey Stan."

"Listen, we should talk."

"I'm glad you're here. I'm trying on dresses for the dance. Maybe I can find you an outfit in the men's section."

"Bebe, do you like me?"

"Huh?"

"Do you like me? You know, romantically or whatever?"

"Honestly? No."

Stan blinked. "'Kay. Well then I'm confused. I don't like you either, so why are we going out?"

"What do you mean? _You're_ the one who asked _me_ out, remember?"

Stan looked to the floor in regret. "I know."

"Are you feeling okay?" Bebe asked. She placed her hand on Stan's forehead, checking for a fever.

"I'm fine," Stan assured her. "It's just...Well, you like Kenny don't you?"

"Yeah, Kenny's great."

"So why aren't you going with _him_ to the dance?"

"He never asked me. You did."

"He wanted to though. He really did," Stan said in Kenny's defense.

Bebe frowned. "Even if that's true, it's too late now."

"Why?! Bebe, we can still fix this."

"Stan, did you ever see the Brady Bunch episode where Marsha has two prom dates? I can't be the girl who promised to go with two guys to the prom. I'd get a bad reputation."

"..." Stan looked away, silent.

"What?" Bebe questioned.

"Nothing."

"_What_?" she asked again, more panicked.

Stan nervously shuffled his feet as he broke the news to the girl in the gentlest way he could.

"Um, well you kinda...Already...Have one..."

"WHAT?!"

"Um, yeah. You're sort of thought of as...the school slut..."

Bebe's eyebrows furrowed. "That's my reputation?! But I'm NOT a slut! I won't even let a guy French kiss me!"

"Yeah well, that's just what they say."

Bebe tossed the dress she was holding aside, and took hold instead of Stan's jacket. "So is _that_ why you asked me out?!"

"NO!" Stan assured her. His eyebrows rose in fright as his mouth formed into that of a shocked letter 'O.'

"Then why?"

"Revenge" Stan answered simply.

Bebe softened. "...Revenge?"

"Yeah. Look it's a long story. The point is you shouldn't be going to the dance with me anyway. You should be going with Kenny."

Bebe released Stan's coat and folded her arms over her chest. "No way!"

Stan face-palmed at Bebe's inability to listen to reason. "Why not?"

"I already have a bad reputation. I'm not making it worse by breaking a date. Thanks for letting me know Stan. Now come on, you're trying on tuxedos."

"Tuxedos?! No no! This isn't how this was supposed to happen!"

"I am NOT becoming Marsha Brady! Now come on!"

"Aw-Aww!"

Stan's head hung low once again as he trailed behind the girl.

Apparently, instead of making things just a little bit better, he had just made them a whole hell of a lot worse.

To Be Continued


	20. jew shirts

1Author's notes: I want to thank everyone who is still sticking with this story. I apologize for the long gap between updates. An actual paying writing gig has taken up a lot of my free time recently. I'm going to see this story through though. I'm hoping to have everything wrapped up two chapters from this one. I hope you'll all continue to read and review. Speaking of which, I like the interaction between Kenny and Token in this chapter. I'm not sure how in-character it is though. It's a bit hard to tell since Token's a minor character and Kenny is...Well, Kenny. Stan and Kyle's interaction in this chapter will likely steal the show, but if you guys could find the time to mention what you thought of the Token and Kenny scene in your review, I'd appreciate it.

Disclaimers: I still don't own South Park. South Park is the property of Viacom, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Ipod is the property of Apple. I have no idea who if anyone owns the rights to the Jew shirts mentioned in this chapter, but it's certainly not me.

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Thirty-five. There were exactly thirty-five bras currently on sale. Stan knew this because he took the time to count them out. He did so not because he was a pervert, but because he was simply bored and had _that_ much time to waste. Growing up Stan had always been warned by the male role models in his life about female shoppers. How they took forever when inside of a store. Stan wrote it off as an ignorant stereotype. Now, he realized that sometimes stereotypes were true.

"Are you done yet?" Stan finally called into the changing room, getting fed up with how long it was taking.

"Almost!" Bebe called back. "I know what color dress I want. Now I just have to pick the right shade."

"The right _shade_?!"

Stan face-palmed, wishing Bebe had been born color blind. It was only when Stanley heard a familiar voice near the front of the store that he moved his face out of his hand, looking around for the person speaking.

"Do we _really_ have to do this?" Kyle asked in a whiny vocal tone. Clothes shopping was clearly the last thing in the world he wanted to be doing.

"Yes!" Wendy snapped back at him. "Cartman still hasn't admitted whether or not he likes me. If we're going to break him down and find out the truth, we obviously have to resort to something more drastic."

"This _better_ work goddammit," Kyle warned. Not that he really had anything to threaten Wendy with if it didn't. Even if he did, Kyle learned a long time ago not to intentionally go against Wendy Testaburger. Lest he end up in the center of the earth's sun.

"Oh man..." Stan muttered. He'd left the hospital to get _away_ from those two. Now he was trapped with them yet again inside the same department store. He continued to sit outside the girl's changing room, praying Bebe would finish up soon and that Kyle and/or Wendy wouldn't spot him there. While he was praying, he also asked God to not pull such an ironic twist of fate on him again if possible.

"We're going to get you a tux," Wendy decided. "Then I need a dress. And one of those pro-Jewish shirts."

"Pro-Jewish shirts?" Kyle questioned.

"Lots of girls wear them. They say things like 'I love Jewish boys' on them."

Kyle's eyebrows arched. "Isn't that kinda shirt a little...whorish for you?"

Wendy sighed. "Yes. But it's worth it if it gets to Cartman."

Kyle blinked. "You know Wendy, for someone who claims to hate Cartman as much as I do, you sure seem to wanna get his attention."

Wendy glared at the redhead. "What's your point?!"

Kyle backed away, a bit scared. "N-nothing. Nevermind."

"Cartman this, Cartman that," Stan bitterly mocked. The jealousy was apparent in his voice. Luckily, only he could hear himself saying it. That was probably a good thing. Being jealous that your best friend hated someone else too much sounded pretty stupid even in Stan's own mind.

Was it really okay to still be mad at Kyle? Stan knew first-hand thanks to the Kenny and Bebe situation just how blind revenge could make a person. Logic went out the window, and many times, so did the feelings of others. Stan's feelings were currently being dominated by anger and sadness. It wasn't just because of the eternal shopping spree either. Stan had been feeling miserable for several days. He currently had three enemies and what felt like zero friends. He wanted to switch those numbers around immediately. There was perhaps nothing worse than fighting with your best friends. Or, in the case of Kyle and Stan, your super best friends.

Stan watched as Wendy dragged Kyle from one end of the clothing store to the other. It seemed a miserable expression was permanently etched on Kyle's face. Stan could certainly relate to that. He wondered if Kyle's sour expression was strictly because of clothes, or something more. Had Kyle been feeling just as hurt? Just as empty without his friend? Possibly even regretful of his decision to start a faux relationship with Wendy, much in the same way Stan now regretted his revenge date with Bebe?

There was only one way to find out.

Stan stood up from his seat and approached Kyle and Wendy. He noticed as he moved closer that each one was holding up a shirt. The one in Wendy's hands read 'Property Of A Nice Jewish Boy.' The other was the 'I Love Jewish Boys' top Wendy referred to earlier. The redhead paused his forced browsing when he spotted Stan walking toward him. Stanley's determined legs grew weaker the closer he stepped. Noticing the tension present on Kyle's face, Wendy turned her head to see what the problem was. When she saw that it was Stan fast approaching, she froze as well.

Finally, they all came face to face.

For a moment, no words were exchanged. Dramatic tension filled the air between the three, but mostly between Kyle and Stan. Eyes blinked and mouths opened, but no words came out. Who should apologize? And how? What were the right words, if any, and how could one say them without coming off gay?

"There's um...There's a shirt in the back that says 'Kosher Meat.' You guys should get that one."

Stan said a lot with that nervous suggestion. He told them he didn't want to fight. He told them he approved of what they were doing, and even supported it. Wendy's smile, and Kyle's hug, informed Stan that they were also glad to have things back to normal.

"Thanks dude," Kyle said.

"You're welcome," Stan replied as he returned the hug. "I don't wanna fight anymore you guys."

Wendy concurred. "Yeah. We should be uniting against the real enemy here: Cartman."

"Totally" Kyle agreed.

It was then that a sign posted on the store's wall made Stan's eyes go wide with terrifying realization. The sign mentioned that certain clothes were fifty percent off today. That news didn't bother Stan, but the big red number fifty helped to jog his memory.

"Oh shit!" Stan exclaimed. "The bet!"

Kyle pulled away from the embrace. "What?"

"Dude we forgot all about that stupid bet with Cartman! Katie's still in the hospital. How are we gonna get Token to find another date now?"

Kyle frowned. "Aw crap!"

Seemingly doomed, the boys searched their brains for a possible solution. Because they thought alike, their heads simultaneously turned in the direction of Wendy.

"I...I can't," the girl insisted.

"Dammit! Why not?" Kyle asked.

"Because I'm _already_ going with you, remember? We have to stick to the plan."

While that was true, Wendy also had another reason for turning the boys down. If she went to the dance with Token, she'd be responsible for making Cartman lose his money. Cartman was so stubborn that even if he _did_ like Wendy, his money-grubbing vindictive side would never allow him to show it after something like that. Wendy wasn't going to let that happen. She was still determined to find out once and for all if Cartman had genuine feelings for her or not.

The trio's thoughts were interrupted by the voice of a gray-haired man in khaki pants and a plain red button-up shirt.

"Excuse me gentlemen," the man said. "I couldn't help but see you two hugging from across the store. While everyone here respects your kind and values you as customers, we'd just like to remind you that we're also considered a family-friendly store."

Stan blinked. "Huh?"

"What I mean is, public displays of affection aren't tolerated here. Not by heterosexual _or_ homosexual couples. We're going to have to ask that you stop that behavior."

Kyle's eyes widened. "Oh, you think that hug was...? No no, we're not g-"

"No!!" Stan interrupted.

Following his exclamation, Stan quickly clamped one of his hands over Kyle's mouth in order to silence him. Wendy stared at Stan curiously. Kyle did the same. Stan quickly elaborated.

"No, uh, we _won't_ stop doing stuff in your store! We homos have rights! What do you think about that?!"

The manager sighed. "Sir, if you aren't going to stop I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store."

"Okay!" Stan agreed, taking hold of Kyle's hand with his own. "Come on Kyle, let's go have gay sex or something."

The Jew was dragged off, but not before shouting "WHAT?!"

"I'll explain later," Stan whispered as the duo bolted for the door, leaving a shocked Wendy behind holding her shirts of seduction.

Having apparently finally found the correct shade of red, Bebe exited the changing room. "Stan?" she called out. Her eyes scanned the store, and while Stan was nowhere to be seen, Wendy certainly was. The blonde approached her best friend.

"Hey Wendy."

"Hi."

"I'm getting this dress for the dance. Do you like it?"

"Yeah. What do you think of these shirts?" Wendy asked.

Bebe looked them over. "It's a different look for you, but I think you can pull it off. Have you seen Stan anywhere?"

"Oh, wait, Stan was here with you?"

"Yeah. We were looking at stuff for the dance. I finally decided on my outfit."

Having shopped with Bebe in the past, Wendy knew just how much time the blonde was capable of wasting. She suddenly understood why Stan might want to get kicked out of a store.

"Bebe, how long were you looking at dresses with Stan for?"

"Only six hours."

Wendy nodded. "Yeah, Stan had to go."

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Despite being healed and medically cleared to leave the hospital, Kenny remained with his sister and Token. The boys were taking turns watching Katie lay motionless. They both wanted to be present just in case she decided to wake up from the coma. While Kenny slept Token kept watch and vice-versa. It had only been a few hours, but boredom quickly set in when there was very little to do. That was certainly the case inside a hospital, so frequent sleep was common.

"Still nothing?" Token asked as he awoke from his latest nap.

"Nope" Kenny confirmed. "But the doctor came in when you were sleeping. He said we should talk to her and stuff."

Token yawned and got out of the room's second bed that Kenny's injured body previously occupied. Token went over to Katie's bedside, taking hold of her hand.

"Katie? You need to wake up. Please? Even if you never go out with me, I want you to be okay. I hope you can hear me somehow. I'm sure it sucks being in a coma, but it sucks for us too. We don't want to see you like this. Katie, _I_ don't want to see you like this. It hurts my heart. If you wake up, I promise I'll make it worth it to you. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. If you want to go out with me, we can. And, if you _do_ go out with me, I promise I'll make you the happiest girl in South Park. Because, well, you make _me_ the happiest boy. For the first time in a long time, someone finally sees me and not my money. You do that. You see me, and it makes me happy. Really happy. I want to make you happy too. Please. Please wake up."

Katie didn't wake up.

Kenny smiled. "Wow. You really like her huh?"

Token sighed. "Yeah, I do."

"You know, I think I was wrong about you."

"You mean about thinking I was a rich asshole?"

"Oh, no, you _are_ a rich asshole. But you're a nice guy underneath it."

"...Thanks, I guess."

"Why can't this shit happen to my brother?" Kenny rhetorically asked. "I get killed over and over. Katie stays alive but in a coma. Nothing happens to Kevin!"

"You don't mean that dude. You wouldn't want bad stuff to happen to your brother for real."

"I guess."

"You wouldn't," Token insisted. "You're too nice. You wouldn't want bad things to happen to anybody."

"Stan maybe..."

"Was it really _that_ bad?"

"Yes! I still haven't gotten my revenge on him."

"Won't that just make it worse though? If you get revenge, he'll just want revenge for that."

"So? How bad could it really get? He can kill me a million times and it won't make a difference, remember? It's not like I'm Kevin."

"What do you think of all this, Katie?" Token asked. Again, he got no response.

"Katie, you wanna listen to music?" Kenny asked. "The doctor said putting on music she likes might help too."

"Really? I've got some Green Day music in the limo."

"What, you mean you aren't gonna bring them here for a private concert?"

"No. It'll take a lot longer that way."

Kenny rolled his eyes. "That was a joke you rich douche."

"Oh."

For the first time since arriving there, Token left the hospital to get the music from his limo. Kenny remained inside, continuing to talk to Katie about anything and everything that came to mind without getting any responses from the girl. After a few minutes Token returned. He placed his Ipod on Katie's bed and placed headphones for the device in the girl's ears. He began to play the music.

She still didn't wake up.

The boys remained at Katie's side; both near tears as hope faded away with the end of each playing song.

To Be Continued


	21. victoria

1Author's notes: Since it's Christmas time, I figured I should get another chapter of this story posted for the two people still reading it. I know this chapter isn't very long considering how long I've made you wait for the update, but something is better than nothing right? Consider it a present for the holiday. I want to thank everyone who helped me out with this chapter too. I had no idea what to make Butters wear since I'm one of the only guys on this site. By the way, there are some comments in this chapter that I guess one could interpret as Kenny/Butters and Butters/Cartman slash, although neither pairing is going to be in this fic intentionally. There's only one more chapter to go after this, hopefully. Thanks for those of you still reading, and Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate).

* * *

It was a move stolen right out of Eric Cartman's playbook, but Wendy didn't care. The ends would justify the means in her opinion. She was already running out of patience, but with the dance drawing closer and Cartman still on the hunt for a date, she was also running out of time. She hoped Cartman would recognize, and possibly even appreciate, her aggression when it came to getting his attention.

The knock on the door was loud. Cartman complaining about having to get up as he approached the door was even louder. He flung the door open, and was surprised to find Wendy standing at the doorstep.

"The hell are you doing here?" he asked.

Wendy smirked. "Actually, I came to get your opinion on something."

Cartman blinked. He was too surprised by Wendy's politeness to think of a snappy comeback. "Um, okay," he said.

Wendy unzipped her coat, revealing the 'I Love Jewish Boys' shirt she was wearing underneath. Cartman scowled at the mere sight of it.

"What do you think I look better in?" Wendy asked. "This, or this?"

Wendy slowly lifted her shirt, making Cartman's eyes bug out in shock. That is, of course, until he realized Wendy was wearing a second pro-Jew shirt underneath of the first one.

"Neither!" Cartman spat hatefully. "Since when do you need my opinion on stupid Jew fashion?"

Not wanting to embarrass herself in Cartman's presence again, Wendy had already prepared an answer for that question.

"Because you have authority."

It made no sense, but Cartman's massive ego was sure to buy into it.

"Yes I do, but my authoritah doesn't extend to crap like this. Go ask your stupid boyfriend."

Wendy smiled. She took a mental note of Cartman's exasperated facial expression, and his remarks about her not looking good in either 'stupid Jew' shirt. It was time to ask the big question.

"Are you jealous?"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Excuse me while I puke."

He attempted to close the door in the girl's face at that point, but Wendy wouldn't have it. She was far too close to the truth now, one way or another. Cartman threatening to puke wasn't a direct 'No' reply to her question, and Wendy knew from past experience with Stan just how romantic a boy vomiting over you could be. She managed to slip a portion of her slender body inside the Cartman's living room.

"Let me in!" Wendy demanded.

"Why?!"

"It's cold out, asshole!"

"You're the one walking around in shirts!" Cartman argued.

Wendy's foot rose up from the living room carpet, kicking Cartman in the shin. His hands left the door to clutch at his injured leg, allowing Wendy to enter the house and close the door from the inside. Once recovered from the kick, Cartman glared at the girl who was now making herself comfortable by sitting on the living room couch and petting the family cat.

"Congratulations on breaking into my house," Cartman complimented while walking toward the telephone inside the kitchen. "Wait right there while I call the police and have you arrested."

Wendy frowned. "First of all, this is your mother's house. And secondly, if you do call them, I'll just say you're my abusive boyfriend and have _you_ arrested for assault."

"What?! But I didn't do crap!"

Wendy shrugged. "All it takes is a little crying and some heavy eyeshadow. I have my makeup with me and I usually get starring roles in our school theater productions. Do you _really_ want to try me on this?"

Cartman grumbled and hung up the phone.

"Did Kyle put you up to this?"

Wendy ceased petting Mister Kitty. "Huh?"

"He did, didn't he? He wants to rub it in that he has a date for the dance and I don't. Well you go tell your little boyfriend that I _will_ have a date before this is over! Kenny's little vegetable sister isn't leaving that hospital, and Stan and Kahl are gonna owe me big!"

Wendy stood up from the couch. "Kyle didn't put me up to anything. And just because Katie's in a coma doesn't mean anything. You're _both_ still dateless until you find somebody, which you won't!"

"I will too!"

"Who?" Wendy challenged. "You've asked out every girl in school!" she reminded him.

Cartman opened his mouth to respond, but stopped himself when he thought about Wendy's words.

"...That's it," he said quietly, as though the secret to life itself had just dawned on him.

"What's it?" Wendy asked.

Cartman smirked. "Oh, you really messed up now, ho! I'm gonna win the bet!"

Before Wendy could ask what he meant, Cartman was already out the door, running off to God knows where. She ran up to the still-opened door.

"Wait!" Wendy shouted. She'd barely gotten anywhere reading his possibly jealous but also possibly just anti-Semitic body language.

But Cartman was long gone.

"Oh goddammit!" Wendy said in a tone similar to Cartman's when one of his many schemes failed.

* * *

"Are you _sure_ you took a shower before you came over? You still smell like crap."

"Yes Cartman," an annoyed Kenny said.

Kenny really had showered, but probably not well enough. After spending so much time in the hospital, one was bound to stink more than usual.

"Is your sister gettin' any better?" Butters asked.

"No" Kenny said sadly. "But our parents finally said to go home. Gotta go to school and shit, you know?"

Cartman raised an eyebrow, concerned. "Token didn't leave too did he?"

"No. He's still there with her."

"Yes!" Cartman exclaimed.

Kenny glared at his fat friend. "Cartman, I know you're happy Katie's in a coma. I fucking hate your uncaring fat ass, and the only reason I'm helping you is because it fucks over Stan."

"Fellas? D-do I really have to wear this thing?" Butters asked.

"Yes!" Cartman insisted. "You owe me Butters. Katie stopped thinking you and Token were fags. You totally screwed me over."

Butters frowned. "Gosh, I'm sorry Eric. It's just that this bra feels funny."

Butters was dolled up quite nicely: A pink, form-fitting sequined dress that went down to his mid-thighs, a bra, thong underwear, silk stalkings, a frizzy blonde wig that made Kenny long for Bebe, and platform shoes. The clothes were a combination of Katie's belongings, Kenny's mom's old clothes, and good will items.

"Ah, now _that's_ a slutty girlfriend," Kenny said, giving Butters his thumbs up of approval after looking him over.

Butters smiled. "You mean it?"

"Yeah, I'd buy you as a chick," Kenny admitted. "...Which is kind of a scary thought."

Cartman shrugged. "As long as he fools Kyle and Stan. Now, what's your new name, Butters?"

Butters sighed. He was still having trouble keeping the back story Cartman had invented for his girl character straight. "S-Sally?" he guessed.

"No! Sally is your older sister who you hate, asshole! _Your_ name is Victoria!"

Butters nodded. "Victoria. Got it."

"What's your favorite thing in the whole wide world?" Cartman asked, continuing to drill the background into Butters' head.

"Your weiner?"

Cartman smiled. "Right."

Kenny rolled his eyes at that one.

"Favorite food?"

"Salad."

"Favorite dessert?"

"Ice cream."

"What are your parents like?"

"M-mom and dad met each other at the circus. Mom was the bearded lady and daddy was the clown. They moved to South Park after dad got fired for gettin' drunk and crashing that little clown car. It killed six people, and the guilt just made daddy's drinking problem worse. Mom's sayin' she's gonna leave him again, but she never does. They're both still unemployed since we just moved to town. I got a job at Happy Burger to help them pay bills, b-but no matter what I do they still love my stupid older sister more!"

Kenny's eyebrows rose questioningly as he listened to the odd history of this character. He looked over at a smiling Cartman and expressed the thought on his mind..

"What the _FUCK_ is wrong with you?!"

"The back story needs to be elaborate or no one's gonna buy it!" Cartman argued.

"This better work dude."

"It _will_ work Kenny. You'll see. I'll have my money, and you'll have your revenge on Stan by helping me _get_ my money."

"Hey fellas, wh-what'll I have?" Butters asked.

"Probably an identity crisis," Kenny guessed.

"Yippie!"

To Be Continued


	22. destiny

1Author's Notes: I want to thank everyone who has been waiting patiently for an update of this fic. As I've mentioned before, a paying writing job took away all my attention recently. So did taxes, my search for a better-paying job and my new blog (bi-wrestling.). With most of those tasks finally completed, I'm now able to get this chapter (and this whole fanfic!) done! This is the last chapter. I crammed everything into it instead of giving you teasing update after teasing update with no finale in sight. I hope those of you who gave up on this fic will rediscover it and read it the whole way through now that it's finished. That's the thing I hate about chaptered fics: It takes forever for me to update them. From now on, I'm going to try not to post any chaptered stories until they're totally done.

We'll see how long that idea lasts. :P

Please read and review, and tell others to do the same. Thanks again to all my loyal readers, and I hope the wait was worth it!

/

"What are we supposed to tell him?"

Stan clutched at his stomach. "I don't know. I just wanna get out of here."

"Stan, you seriously need to get over your thing with hospitals," Kyle said.

Stan ignored the comment. He had bigger things on his mind. So did Kyle for that matter. As they walked together down the hallway toward Katie's hospital room, each boy wondered what exactly they were walking into. There were a lot of unanswered questions. How would Token react when they broke the news to him of the bet? Would Katie ever wake up from her coma? What if Kenny was in the room again? He still had a problem with Stan thanks to Bebe.

As Kyle pushed open the door to the room Stan took a deep, bracing breath. It was obvious right away that Katie was still unresponsive. It was also apparent that Token was still sad about that fact.

"Hey guys" Token said.

"Hey" Kyle and Stan replied in unison.

Token sighed. "She's still not up."

Stan and Kyle glanced at each other.

"Uh, you know Token, Katie wouldn't want you sitting around being sad."

"Yeah!" Kyle agreed. "The dance is tomorrow night dude. You should go anyway. I uh, I-I think Katie would want it that way."

"Totally" Stan said. "You know, my sister's pretty ugly. I bet you could get a date with her."

"What?! I don't want a date! What the hell's wrong with you guys?" Token said.

Kyle sighed. "Token, we have to tell you something."

"What?"

Stan nervously stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants. "Token, we kind of made this bet with Cartman..."

Token's eyes narrowed. "What bet?"

Kyle held his hands out, palms facing outward. "We told him you could get a date to the dance before he could, but we're running out of time to make that happen. Y-you know, if you think about it, putting our faith in you like that's actually a compliment."

"What?! _That's_ why you want me to go to the dance?"

Kyle and Stan looked to the floor shamefully.

"You mean this whole time, all you've cared about is winning some stupid bet with Cartman?"

"That's not true!" Stan insisted. "We never wanted Katie to get into an accident or anything. That part sucks. You'd just be really helping us out if you could show up at the dance with some other girl, that's all."

"Get out" Token said simply.

"Token, we just-" Kyle began.

"Out!" Token insisted.

Stan and Kyle headed for the door, but before they could leave Dr. Doctor entered the room with a team of assistants, pushing a stretcher that contained a patient.

"I'm sorry boys but we need this room," Doctor explained. "This poor man was stabbed right through the skull. Watch out for blood splatter."

"Ugh!" Stan groaned.

"We have to work quickly and stitch his head back up."

"Aw-AWW!" Stan groaned louder. He was once again clutching at his stomach.

"Ooh, I think I see a chunk of my brain hanging out," the injured man replied casually.

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He felt the bile rising inside his throat and scanned the room quickly for a waste basket. The only one was by Katie's bedside. Stan ran as fast as he could, but he couldn't make it in time.

He puked right on the unconscious girl's body.

"Gross, Stan!" Kyle exclaimed.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Token exclaimed much louder. This was literally insult to injury.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" Stan said.

Stan's vomit, coupled with the news of the boys' bet, was the last straw for Token. He grabbed the still-apologizing Stan by his coat and pushed him up against a nearby wall.

"Wait!" Kyle said quickly.

"Fuck off Kyle! I'm kicking Stan's ass and don't you try to stop me!" Token said definitively.

"No dude! Look!!"

Kyle pointed, drawing Token and Stan's attention back to the hospital bed.

Katie's eyes were opening.

The girl moaned as she adjusted to her surroundings. Her eyes opened slowly, weakly, like a newborn kitten. She couldn't even tell she'd been regurgitated on yet.

Token released Stan from his grip and rushed over to Katie, much to Stanley's relief. Stan and Kyle glanced at each other and smiled. Bet or none, they were happy Katie was now awake and apparently going to be okay.

"My god!" Dr. Doctor said. "The vomit must've revived her."

"Katie! You're awake!" Token said.

"Ugh. What happened?" Katie asked weakly.

"You were in a coma," Kyle said.

"A coma?"

"There was a car wreck and...Well, we'll explain later. Oh my god I'm so glad you're okay!" Token said. He hugged the girl, not minding the mess on her hospital gown.

"Thanks. Why do I smell like throw up?" the girl asked.

"Um, that was my bad," Stan explained.

"...EW!!"

Katie jumped out of her bed and ran out of the room. Presumably she was running for some place with a shower.

"After her!" Dr. Doctor ordered. "Her mind's still unstable. Nurses, clean her up and calm her down! I'll go alert the parents!"

Dr. Doctor and the medical crew-who were still pushing around the injured and quickly forgotten about man on the stretcher-exited the room. The remaining people in the room continued to smile. That is, until Token's eyes met Stan and Kyle's.

"Out" Token repeated for the third time.

Stan quickly bolted out the door. He didn't need to be told twice to leave a hospital.

"Hey, Token?" Kyle hesitantly asked as he headed for the door as well.

"What?" the black boy snapped.

"Well, you're still gonna ask Katie out to the dance, right?"

"Yes. But _not_ to help you assholes win your stupid bet. Because I..."

He paused. Kyle blinked.

"...Because I love her."

"That's great dude. When are you gonna ask her?"

"I don't know. As soon as she gets back I guess. Now, leave!"

Kyle nodded and headed off without another word.

Token waited for Katie to return to the room.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally, Token decided he'd better go look for her. He hoped Katie didn't relapse. Coma victims sometimes did. Token walked down the length of a few hallways in search of his love-interest. He grew more concerned with each dead-end he reached. Luckily, Token finally found her. Katie was surrounded by a circle of orderlies and her loving parents, who had clearly picked the right day to return for a visit. Katie's brothers were unfortunately missing from the family reunion.

Token realized that he'd just have to ask Katie out later. He wouldn't have been able to break up the family's group hug if he tried.

/

As she woke up the next morning, Wendy checked another day off of her calendar with a sigh. It was now official: The dance was tonight. Wendy still hadn't gotten Cartman, and she was starting to suspect she never would. She glanced over at the cell phone laying on her bedroom dresser. After brief contemplation, she picked it up.

"Maybe I should call him," she thought to herself out loud. He couldn't possibly have a date yet, but _her_ asking _him_ out would be like admitting defeat. That was never easy for Wendy Testaburger to do. Besides, what if he said no? He seemingly hadn't even entertained the thought so far. At least not legitimately. While the jealousy theory was still possible, it was still just a theory. Wendy knew that if she was rejected she'd be known as the girl with the one-sided crush, on Eric Cartman, for probably the rest of her school life.

Fuck that.

In Wendy's opinion, if Cartman wanted her, _he_ should be the one to call. _He_ should be the one to make the offer. _He_ should be smart enough to think of her when deciding who to date. _He_ should be the desperate one begging _her_ for a date, hoping that maybe _he_ still had a last-minute shot.

Before Wendy could think any more about whether or not to dial Cartman's number, she was receiving a call of her own.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

It was Kyle. Wendy frowned slightly when she heard his voice. She wished it had been Cartman calling. Sort of like a last-minute pardon from the governor type of scenario.

"What's up?" she asked.

"A lot, actually. Katie woke up!"

"Really?! That's great!"

"Yeah! And now me and Stan can finally win our bet with Cartman!"

Wendy's eyes narrowed. "Katie's waking up is a little more important, but yeah, I guess you can."

"Oh, but there's something else too," Kyle remembered. "Do you have a car?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I need a ride to the dance. I don't have my license yet. Stan was gonna pick me up, but now that he's taking Bebe he said he doesn't think we'll all fit in the car."

"You mean I have to take pictures and make small talk with your parents?"

"And deal with Ike calling you my girlfriend, yeah."

"God dammit" Wendy muttered. She thought about ending the plan with Kyle then and there, but decided against it. If she couldn't have Cartman, she could still extract the revenge of a scorned woman on his fat ass. The fact was that she had a date and he didn't. She'd show him that he made a very bad decision by overlooking her for God knows what reason. She'd go with Kyle, force herself to have a great time, and rub it in Cartman's face the entire evening. She knew he'd still show up to the dance even without a date. After all, Cartman needed to be there to see if Token had a date or not. He wouldn't just take Kyle and Stan's words for it.

"Okay Kyle, I'll pick you up," Wendy decided.

"Great, thanks. Is eight o'clock okay?"

"Sure."

"'Kay."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah. I'll bring the condoms."

Wendy stared at her phone momentarily. "Condoms?!" she repeated in shock. Wendy hoped to God she didn't blurt that out so loudly that her parents would hear.

"Yeah dude. You know, for getting Cartman," Kyle explained.

"...What?!"

"Think about it. If we're playing a couple we might as well go all out with it. If we get condoms we can show them to Cartman and make him pissed off 'cause we're dating and getting laid and he's not. Obviously you and I aren't really gonna _use_ the things."

Wendy blinked. "I guess. You're really starting to enjoy this plan aren't you?"

"Yes Wendy. Yes I am," Kyle admitted, completely unashamed of his desire for harsh vengeance against the boy that had tormented him for so long.

"See you tonight."

/

"God dammit Butters!"

It was the third time today the blonde had accidentally stepped on Cartman's feet. They were practicing slow-dancing, and in Cartman's opinion the rehearsal was going terribly.

"I'm sorry Eric," Butters said. "I-it's just that I've never danced in ladies' shoes before."

"How are you gonna be my girlfriend if you can't even dance with me right?! GOD!"

Butters frowned. "I'm tryin' my best. Honest."

"Well try harder!"

"Ah go easy on him," Kenny said. He had been watching the train wreck of a practice from the living room couch of the Cartman residence. Kenny was far more patient with Butters-or Victoria as he was known for the purposes of this scam-than Cartman was.

Butters smiled, appreciative for the support. "Thanks Kenny."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Easy for you to say, Kenny. _You're_ not the one getting your fucking toes broken."

Kenny stood up from the couch and approached the duo, observing their dancing from a closer angle.

"Figures. You're too fucking fat, Cartman."

Cartman scoffed. All these years and he still thought being called fat was an outrageous accusation. "What?"

"He's stepping on your feet because he can't _see_ them. Watch."

Kenny lightly pushed Cartman aside, and then took his place slow-dancing with Butters. Sure enough, Kenny and Butters stepped in perfect time with each other on the first try.

"See?" Kenny said. "Wear a belt to tuck in that stomach and you should be fine."

Cartman rolled his eyes but said nothing in response. This most likely meant that Kenny was right but Cartman was too proud to admit it. However, Kenny's next suggestion was even more shocking and definitely gained the reply it deserved.

"Oh, and you should put your hand on Butters' ass."

"What?!" the other boys replied together.

Kenny nodded. "Your characters are supposed to be all into each other right? His one hand's right by there. You should grab his ass. Make it look like a real couple. Maybe grind your crotches together too."

Butters frowned. "Aww! D-do we really have to do that?"

"Hell no!" Cartman protested. He pushed the dirty blonde away from his dance partner before they could start any sort of disgusting homo grinding. "I don't care how much of a girl Butters looks like dude; That is _way_ too faggy!"

Kenny sighed. As usual Cartman was being difficult about something that was his own idea in the first place. Kenny was starting to wonder if all the aggravation was even worth it just to gain a little indirect revenge against Stan. He looked over at Butters, making sure his female outfit was staying on okay during all the dancing. Butters' stuffed bra, which reminded Kenny of Bebe's naturally large chest, made him remember that the revenge was definitely called for. He knew that to get his revenge Cartman and 'Victoria's' love had to look as real as possible. It was the only way their classmates -might- buy into it. Kenny furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed Cartman's chubby hand, forcing it to take hold of Butters' ass cheek.

"Meeeehh!!" Cartman whined.

"Will you just do it already?!" Kenny said as he held Eric's hand on Butters' rump. "This shit already feels way too much like a threesome without you bitching."

"Wh-what's a threesome?" Butters asked innocently.

Neither boy had a chance to answer his question. Cartman yanked his hand away from Butters' backside as though it were a burning hot stove. He ran for the nearest bathroom, screaming. Kenny was distracted by the Cartman's unlocked front door being opened. Outside stood the rest of the McCormick family, including the awakened Katie. Due to the financial state of Kenny's family, cell phones weren't available to spread good news.

"Kenny!" his mom said. "We've been looking all over for you! Look! Your sister's out of her coma!"

"Woohoo!!" Kenny exclaimed. He ran over to the door and hugged Katie.

"We're all going to Pizza Shack to celebrate," Stuart informed him. "Come on."

"Okay. See you Butters."

Butters smiled. "Yeah, s-see you later Kenny. I'm awful happy for you."

"Thanks."

The McCormicks quickly left the scene together, shutting the door behind them. Alone in the living room, Butters began to mash his knuckles together. It appeared that dance rehearsal was over with based on the sounds suddenly coming from Cartman's bathroom. They involved running water and vomit, from what the blonde could deduce. Butters began to remove his costume, making sure not to damage or wrinkle it in any way before the dance. After changing back into his reguar clothes, he left the Cartman household as well and began his walk back home.

"When I get home, I should look up threesomes on the internet," Butters decided to himself. "M-maybe it's like the two-step or somethin'."

/

Stan sighed as he stood outside the door of the Stevens' home. He knew he'd better just get this night over with, but he hesitated to alert Bebe of his presence. Several thoughts were racing through Stan's head. How would Kyle get to the dance now? Would Katie be there with Token? Whether she was or wasn't, would -Kenny- be there ready to try and kick Stan's ass again? Stan decided to put the thoughts out of his mind for the time being. He finally knocked on the front door of the home. Bebe answered it. She was wearing a long blue dress with sequins, while Stan was in a traditional tuxedo.

"Hey Stan."

"Hi" Stan said flatly.

"You wanna come in?"

"No thanks. Let's just get this over with."

Bebe shrugged. "Okay."

Although Bebe loved the camera, taking pictures with a guy she'd likely never date again after tonight wasn't very thrilling of an idea. She stepped outside the house with Stan and got into his car. They drove toward the dance in brief, temporary silence before Bebe insisted on engaging her date in conversation.

"I heard Kenny's sister woke up."

"Yeah. We haven't had a chance to talk to her much. Her parents and the doctors keep hogging her. Token didn't even have a chance to ask her out yet."

"But the dance is tonight."

"I know." Stan frowned. It was likely that Cartman didn't have a date either though, so at least the bet would be a draw. Another long, awkward silence filled the car as they drove on.

"Look, why are we doing this?" Stan asked, deciding to break the silence. "You don't wanna be at the dance with me and you know it."

Bebe frowned. "That doesn't matter. I agreed to go with you first so I am."

"But what about Kenny? Can't you just dump me and go with him?"

"Yeah right. A hot piece of ass like him probably found another girl in a second. No way am I dumping you, going stag and looking like a whore. Besides, I promised you."

Stan sighed, driving onward. "Fine."

/

The Big Dance truly lived up to its name. The school's gymnasium was covered with multicolored balloons, streamers, a huge sound system, and even punch pre-spiked with the finest of liquors.

Cartman was the first to show up out of his group of friends. His timely entrance was helped by the fact that, unlike the other couples, Cartman was too much of a jerk to even consider picking up his "date" for the evening. He regretted this decision when he arrived to the dance and Butters was nowhere to be found. However, much to the fat boy's relief, neither was Token. Cartman paced nervously outside the gym, hoping his plan would work. He was eager to rub his victory in the faces of his friends. Stan, along with Bebe, showed up next.

"Hey fat ass."

"Hey Stan. Got my money?"

"No, because I don't see a girl with you."

Cartman smirked. "Actually, she's on her way as we speak. Her name's Victoria."

Stan's eyebrows rose in concern. "You mean, you actually _found_ a date?"

Cartman smirked. "That's right. Would you like to pay me that money now Stan, or should we call the hospital first and inform Token and his darling vegetable?"

Stan thought fast. He didn't want to pay Cartman his share of the money. Not yet at least. There was still a thin shread of hope.

"Actually, Katie woke up last night."

"Wh-what?" Cartman said nervously.

"Yeah. Theoretically Token could still get here with Katie before your supposed date. Technically we'd still win the bet that way."

"Well when _my_ date shows up first and proves her existence, you guys will owe me big."

"Whatever. Come on Bebe."

Stan and Bebe headed inside the gym. Cartman's phone began ringing.

"Hello?"

"Eric? It's me."

"Butters where the _hell_ are you? Kenny's sister woke up. You _have_ to get to this dance before Token does, do you understand?"

"Oh. W-well, that's gonna be a problem."

"Why?"

"That's what I'm callin' for. I'm sorry, but I can't come to the dance with you. I got grounded for lookin' up threesomes on the internet."

"What?! No way, you're _going_ to this dance Butters!"

"Oh no I ain't," Butters insisted. "My parents told me to stay in my room. If I sneak out after gettin' grounded, I'm only gonna get grounded worse!"

"If you _don't_ sneak out and come to the dance _I'm_ going to do something to you much _worse_ than grounding!"

Butters thought that threat over. He frowned in defeat.

"Okay I'll put my dress on."

/

Following his conversation with Cartman, Stan knew he needed to relay some vital information. Once in the gym he immediately headed for the men's locker room area. It was quiet enough there that he could be heard. Stan took out his cell phone and placed a call to Kyle's cell, which went straight to voice mail.

"Kyle! We need to get Token to this dance fast! Cartman says he has a date and she's on her way. Bye."

Stan exited the locker room, only to find Kenny exiting from the girl's locker room directly across from him.

"Shit."

"Where's your date?" Kenny asked with glaring eyes.

"Dude where's your sister? We need her to get to the dance."

"Don't change the subject."

Stan sighed. "Bebe's inside okay?"

"Inside the gym, or the locker room?"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Kenny we aren't going to do anything. I don't even like her."

"Well I do! I like her a lot, and you could care less you're here with her. That's bullshit! She's one of the hottest girls in school. Maybe everyone's right about you and Kyle."

Stan ignored the comment. "I tried to make her break it off with me. What else can I do?"

"What else can you do to fuck me over? How about puke on my sister?"

Stan frowned. "Oh, you uh, you heard about that?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay, fine Kenny. You wanna kick my ass? Go for it. But before you do, you should know something."

"What's that?"

"Bebe called you a 'hot piece of ass' in the car."

"...Really?"

"Yeah dude, she's miserable. She's only with me 'cause I asked her first and she's trying to keep her word and not look like a slut. That's all. She doesn't like me and she's not going to. She likes _you_ too much and that's not gonna change either. She was even worried you'd be here with another girl."

"I'm not."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Then what were you doing in the girls' locker room?"

"Looking for you. I figured you'd be in one of them with her."

"You really think Bebe's that big of a skank?"

Kenny grinned. "I _know_ she is. Why do you think I like her so much?"

Stan blinked. "Um, okay. Kenny, I'm really sorry I asked out Bebe. I was just angry at the time. And I'm sorry I puked on Katie."

Kenny shrugged. "Least it woke her up."

"Yeah..."

Kenny frowned. "Shit, I'm sorry too dude. I know you wouldn't steal a girl from me on purpose."

"Yeah that's not cool. Look, I only brought Bebe here so she could have a nice time at the dance, but she'd have a much better time with you. Go get her."

"How? She's all set on being here with you."

Stan thought it over, then smirked. "I've got it. Just follow me and play along."

The boys headed back into the gym. Stan took a deep breath and approached Bebe. Kenny walked right behind him. As the two neared the blonde girl, Stan began to force out some tears from his eye sockets.

"Bebe I can't do this!" Stan announced loudly.

"Can't do what? what's wrong?" Bebe asked with immediate concern in her voice.

Stan sniffled. "This isn't fair to you."

"What're you talking about?"

"You know! Everyone knows! All those rumors about me. I _can't_ keep living this _lie_!"

Kenny's eyes grew as large as dinner plates. Stan playing up the gay rumors about himself was the last thing Kenny expected his friend to do. In a place as ridiculing as a public school, that was extremely brave. Also, Kenny realized, Stan's years in drama club were really paying off.

"But I thought-"

Stan cut Bebe off. "I'm sorry! But, listen, you deserve to have a nice time at the dance with a real date. A straight date. I can't let you go stag. I know this is last-minute, but Kenny here is willing to be your date instead."

Bebe looked back and forth between the two boys, confused. Stan wiped the crocodile tears off his cheeks and gave the girl a wink, while Kenny smiled at her.

"...Oh...You mean...OH!" Bebe said. She smiled back at Kenny and attempted to play along. "Um, Stan how could you lie to me like this?!"

Bebe's slap to Stanley's face following her statement was completely unnecessary, but Stan was willing to take a hit for the sake of his friends.

As the two blondes linked arms and finally headed off to the dance floor together, Kenny gave Stan a thumbs up and mouthed a "Thank you."

The thumb not rubbing the mark on Stan's cheek responded in kind.

/

Katie's parents checked her out of the hospital right away in an attempt to resume her normal life. Ironically, every second of Katie's post-coma so-called life was now being consumed by monitoring doctors and overprotective relatives. Meanwhile Token hadn't managed to get a word in edgewise with his almost-girlfriend. It wasn't fair in the boy's opinion. Token had waited in that hospital for Katie to awaken from her coma longer than anyone-including her own parents. Finally though, Token managed to find an in and get the alone time he deserved.

Homework

"Thanks for helping me catch up on school stuff," Katie said.

"No problem."

Since complex thinking was difficult for people recovering from comas, Token offered to help Katie do the assignments she'd missed. Her parents went for it despite the fact that it meant having a boy up in Katie's bedroom. They didn't want their little girl over exerting her tender brain. Some of the subjects baffled Token, but it didn't matter. At long last he had a moment of peace with Katie-while seated on her bed no less-and he was going to make the most of it.

"I'm glad you're okay."

Katie smiled weakly. "Everyone is. If I get one more card congratulating me on getting out of that coma I'm gonna be sick."

Token raised an eyebrow. "They have cards for everything now."

Katie nodded. "Token, I heard about what you did."

"Huh?"

"When I was out. How you paid the hospital bill and sat with me as much as possible. I'm glad we finally got some time alone, because I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it."

Token shrugged. "Oh that stuff. It was no big deal."

"Yes it was. You must really care about me to do stuff like that. I'm just sorry I couldn't go to the concert with you."

"It's okay, there'll be other chances."

Katie grinned. "There will huh?"

Token kicked himself mentally. "Um, well I mean, there will be if _you_ wanted to go out sometime."

"Sometime...Like tonight?" Katie asked.

Token's mouth formed a perfect 'O' of surprise. "I don't know. Are you sure you should be going out in your condition?"

"If my parents are just going to keep me locked up in my room I might as well have stayed in the coma. Let's go!"

The girl put down her pencil and got off her bed. She began to search through her messy bedroom for a pair of shoes to wear. She knew they were buried under one of numerous piles. Token observed Katie closely as she flung dirty clothes across the room. This decision to go out begged a question in his mind. He fought through his nerves and decided to ask it.

"Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, if we're going out tonight, does that mean we're...You know...?"

"A pair!"

"Yeah! We are?!" Token asked excitedly.

"No I mean I found a pair of matching shoes!"

"Oh."

Katie placed the shoes on her feet and turned around to face Token with a smile on her face. She then tackled the embarrassed male to her bed and kissed him passionately on the lips.

"And yes, _we_ are a couple too."

Token smiled up at her. "That's great! So, where does my new girlfriend want to go?"

"How about the Big Dance?"

/

Kyle cast a frustrated glare into the bathroom mirror while fixing his hair. Most men hated dressing up to go out, but Kyle was willing to bet that he despised it far worse than other guys. It was bad enough putting on some fancy rented tuxedo, but slicking back his red afro was always such a pain. It just wasted time and hair gel. He hoped his green duck cap would stay on the whole night, but he had to make his hair look presentable just in case it fell off or something. Besides, he was going to go the whole nine yards for the sake of the plan.

Thanks to the mirror, Kyle saw his father passing by him in the background. "How do I look?" he asked.

Gerald cocked his head to the side, completely puzzled by his son's question. He stood in the bathroom doorway a moment, just staring at Kyle as he tried to find the right words.

"...Um, good Kyle," Gerald said. "Did you finally find a date?"

"Sort of. I'm going with Wendy Testaburger to make Eric Cartman jealous. I hope he cries," Kyle said matter-of-factly. "After that, I'll probably just hang out with Stan."

Despite his son's female companion for the evening, Gerald could tell something was up. Hell, the whole town could tell something was up! It seemed the only ones who didn't know something was up were Stan and Kyle themselves. They were either in denial or just really good at hiding it. Or, maybe they really hadn't given into fate just yet. Either way, Gerald decided to get the wheels in motion with his next statement.

"You know Kyle, it's okay if you and Stan are..."

"...If we're what?" he asked, totally oblivious.

"Well, it's okay if..._He's_ your date."

Kyle's jaw dropped. He turned around to face his father. "What!?"

Gerald closed his eyes, the awkwardness setting in. "I'm just saying, you know, it's okay if you two want to be...together."

"What are you talking about dad?! We aren't like that!"

"I'm just saying I'd love you no matter what Kyle. So would your mother. You don't have to pretend to go out with a girl."

Kyle face-palmed. "Jesus Christ not you too! Does the whole _world_ think I'm gay for Stan?"

"Pretty much."

"That was a rhetorical question!"

In the distance, a car horn honked.

"I have to go, Wendy's here," Kyle said.

"Wait!" Gerald said. The older man dug into his pants pocket, producing a small card. "Here son."

Kyle accepted the object, but stared at it confused. "What's this?"

"It's a key. I got you a hotel room for the night. Room three hundred over on Swanson street. Don't tell your mother. Kyle, I know the kinds of things kids do after these dances. Whatever you're going to do tonight and whoever you're going to do it with, I want you to be safe. But more importantly, I want you to be out of the house so I won't ever have to accidentally walk in and see it. Okay?"

With that, Gerald stepped aside to let Kyle out of the bathroom.

"UGH! Will you shut up dad! It's not like that!"

The younger Jew stomped past his father, but instinctively tucked the card key into his pocket alongside a pack of condoms.

"Just remember Kyle: I love you no matter what!" Gerald called after him.

"Fuck off!"

Kyle continued angrily stomping away until he reached the living room. His move for the door was intercepted by his mother, who shoved a camera into his face. Wendy was seated over on the couch, frowning.

"Smile!" Sheila said.

"Goddammit" Kyle said before forcing his mouth to curl upward.

"Sorry Kyle. I shouldn't have honked and drawn attention to myself. Next time I'll just call your cell and you can sneak out the back door," Wendy said apologetically.

Kyle shook his head. "No way dude. There isn't gonna _be_ a next time for something like this."

Wendy knew that was true. Which meant they had to get it right this time.

Wendy and Kyle were finally allowed to leave the house after a few minutes of snapping photos. They entered Wendy's car as fast as they could and drove away as fast as the speed limit would allow them to. As Wendy drove, Kyle took out his cell phone. He wanted to play a game, but found himself immediately distracted by the notification of a voicemail message. He placed the phone to his ear and listened.

"Shit!"

"What is it?" Wendy asked.

"Cartman has a date to the dance! We're totally screwed now!"

"...He has a _date_?"

"Um, yeah."

Wendy's fancy shoe pushed down hard on the car's gas pedal. She was now speeding toward the school with a murderous look in her eyes, Kyle silently prayed that they'd somehow survive the angry female's aggressive driving.

/

Cartman checked his watch for the third time that night. He had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of Butters for what felt like too long. Naturally he'd positioned himself by the snack table and helped himself to a few handfuls of food while waiting. He blamed his overeating on nervousness, of course.

Finally the cross-dressed blonde walked cautiously into the gym. He was still getting used to the high-heeled shoes. "Oh Jesus see me through this," Butters muttered as Cartman ran up to him.

"There you are! It's about damn time!" Cartman said. "All right, now we just have to win my bet. Come on!"

He gripped Butters by the hand and dragged him along to find wherever Stan had run off to. His hold was even firmer than the day of the Pioneer Village incident. The "couple" finally found Stan, who was playing the part of a wallflower until his other friends arrived.

"Well, well, well," Cartman bragged. "Look who showed up. Stan, this is my date, Victoria."

Stan's eyebrows rose in disbelief.

"Uh, h-hello there, n-nice to meet you," Butters said in the best high-pitched voice he could manage.

"Crap" Stan replied.

Cartman stuck out his hand expectantly. "The money Stan."

"Why the hell would you agree to go out with Cartman?" Stan asked the "girl" on Eric's arm. "Don't you know what kind of person he is?"

Butters cleared his throat, and once again raised his voice to an appropriate girl level. "Oh, uh, well...Uh...Ow!"

Butters was nudged in the side by Cartman.

"W-well, I think Eric's swell, that's why. He's a perfect gentlemen with a big brain, a-and an even bigger weiner."

"Don't mind him Victoria. He's just jealous of our love," Cartman accused.

Stan sighed and reached into his pocket. "All right Cartman, I guess you win."

The fat boy grinned. "Yes! Yeees!"

"Wait!!"

Kenny hurriedly pushed his way through the sea of evening gowns and tuxes until he reached his friends against the wall. Cartman glared at the intruder, who was still trying to catch his breath when he finally arrived in the nick of time.

"What're you doing, Kenny?"

"Dude! I almost forgot. Now that we're cool again I can't let him get away with it. Stan, don't give Cartman any money."

Eric made a lunge for Stan's wallet at that point, but the dark-haired youth managed to tuck it back into his pocket. "Why not?"

"He's full of shit, that's why."

"Kinny! You're supposed to be on _my_ side!" Cartman whined.

"What're you talking about?" Stan wondered.

Before Kenny could explain the plan they'd hatched, the gymnasium doors were barged open by Wendy. She marched right over to where Cartman was standing. Kyle followed behind her at a normal walking pace. For once, he was the calm one in a situation involving Cartman.

"Hey ho" Cartman greeted.

Kenny smiled. "You guys are just in time. I was just saying how Cartman's date is a-"

"Slut?" Wendy guessed, finishing Kenny's thought for him. "She certainly looks like it in that outfit."

Butters pouted. "Hey, that's not very nice."

"Neither is Cartman, but that doesn't stop you from dating him."

Butters' eyebrows knotted up into an angry V shape in response to that statement. It was certainly true that in real-life Cartman was just as mean as Wendy said he was, but Butters remembered that his character was supposed to madly love Eric. Butters reasoned that Victoria would take offense to that remark, so (s)he did.

"Hey! You take that back! Eric's a wonderful man, w-with a giant weiner!"

Wendy's jaw dropped in shock. "A what?!"

Kenny blinked. "Um, guys? Cartman's date's not a girl."

"You're right: She's a whore!" Wendy said loudly.

"You're just jealous like my stupid older sister!" the still in-character "girl" shot back just as audibly.

Wendy had no comeback, because she really -was- jealous. Unable to destroy Cartman's date verbally, she did the alternative and slapped "Victoria" across the face.

"Victoria" proceeded to cry.

To finally end the confusion, Kenny snatched the wig off of Butters' head. "No, it's Butters! See?"

"Kenny!" Cartman protested again.

Laughter immediately rose up inside the gym. Unfortunately for Cartman and his fraud of a date, several students had focused their attention on the catfight. The wig coming off was instant amusement for the gaggle of cruel teenagers.

"What a loser!" Craig shouted.

"HA! HAHAHA!" was all Kyle managed to get out.

Cartman's eyes darted from side to side. He was trapped. Surrounded by mocking laughter and pointing fingers. He felt embarrassed. Ashamed. This wasn't some get rich quick scheme, or some plan to pull a prank on Kyle. This was a personal mission. One where his pride, his very self-worth, was on the line. Judging from the various heckles of his peers, Cartman had failed. Desperate to find shelter from the ridicule, Cartman ran out of the nearest exit he could find.

Wendy should've been happy, but she wasn't. Cartman got what was coming to him, but it didn't seem to matter. The victory wasn't sweet like Wendy had expected it to be. The revenge wasn't satisfying. At all. All she saw when she looked into Cartman's beaten eyes was pain and hurt.

"I'm sorry" Wendy said softly. She was directing the remark at Butters, but her eyes were looking past him at the dissappearing Cartman. She wondered if, perhaps, this was her fault. She could've asked him out instead of waiting for him to make a move. She could've let his attempt to get Henrietta play out naturally. She could've accepted Cartman's insincere offer that day in the cafeteria instead of being stubborn. She could've saved him the humiliation of being caught with Butters. She could've made Cartman believe that maybe, just maybe, someone else thought enough of him to be seen with him in public. But she didn't. She didn't do any of those things, and now it was too late. The damage had been done. Cartman believed in himself. He honestly believed he could find a date. He didn't, and there was perhaps nothing worse then your self-esteem being destroyed when you actually had some to begin with. Wendy knew that first-hand. She believed Cartman would ask her out from the start. That he would be jealous. He didn't and he seemingly wasn't. She knew how that pain felt, and Wendy didn't want to wish that on anyone. Now, Cartman was feeling it too.

The still teary-eyed Butters pulled some tissues out of his stuffed bra, using them to wipe the liquid sadness off his face. "That's okay Wendy. At least now I can take this stuff off."

"I'll go with you. Katie's gonna want her clothes back," Kenny said.

The two walked off together, leaving Wendy with Stan and Kyle.

"Dude, that was _awesome_!" Kyle said.

"No it wasn't!" Wendy said, her voice a combination of shame and anger.

"What're you talking about! Did you see the look on Cartman's face? He's totally humiliated!"

"That's not a _good_ thing, Kyle!" Wendy snapped. "Cartman's a human being."

Kyle scoffed. "No he's not. Now listen, we can't rest on this. We need to attack him while he's still vulnerable. I think with a little more work we can make him cry. My dad got me a hotel room tonight. Let's go show Cartman the room key and the condoms. We'll tell him we're going there. You can fake an orgasm can't you? I could get an audio recorder and-"

Wendy's hand struck the side of Kyle's face, stopping his plan mid-sentence.

"Stop it Kyle! Just stop it! You may not like Cartman, and I may not like what he did to me, but this is _wrong_! Stooping to his level doesn't help! It just makes things worse and hurts even more people you...You..."

Wendy struggled to find the right word to express her disdain for Kyle's behavior. She finally settled on angrily exclaiming "You _Jew_!"

Kyle softened a bit, but continued to encourage the behavior. "Oh...Oh come on Wendy. This whole thing was _your_ idea!"

Wendy groaned in regret. "I know. Excuse me."

Wendy left the boys alone, leaving out the same exit Cartman had taken.

"Girls are insane" Kyle decided.

"Yep" Stan agreed. "But she's right you know. Revenge never solves anything." Stan had learned that the hard way recently.

Kyle sighed. "Yeah, I know." He hated having a conscience sometimes. "I'll apologize later, even though I know Cartman won't accept it. You know what the worst thing is though?"

"What?"

"I bought these condoms for nothing now."

Stan pondered his best friend's predicament. "You wanna go fill them up with water and throw them at people?"

Kyle smiled. The night was saved after all. "Sure! This dance is lame anyway. Let's get outta here. We can use the hotel room and throw the balloons off the balcony."

"Yeah! Just let me grab some food real quick," Stan asked.

"Sure."

/

As Wendy approached him outside the school, Cartman was seated on the curb with his head in his hands.

"Cartman?"

"What do you want?" Eric spat bitterly. "Come to laugh at me some more?"

"Actually, I came to apologize."

"Apologize?"

"Yeah. You didn't deserve what happened to you in there. You were just doing everything you could to win your bet. I admire your determination."

"Yeah? Well admiration doesn't get me my money now does it, ho."

Wendy's face contorted into a mixture of sadness and anger. Even now she was being nice to Cartman, and as usual he was ruining it by being himself.

"Cartman you asshole! Do you know what could've gotten you a date to this stupid dance? Asking _me_!" Wendy blurted out.

Cartman took his head out of his hands and looked up at Wendy. "What?"

"Why didn't you? Huh? I want to know. I _deserve_ to know why. I was right there every day. You asked out every other girl. Why not me too? Am I not good enough for you or something? You'd be lucky to have _any_ woman interested in you. Why couldn't you just-"

"If you'd stop bitching for like five seconds, I could tell you why," Cartman finally said, cutting off the girl's rant.

"Fine!" Wendy snapped again. She wanted to hear this, though admittedly it felt good to finally let those feelings out.

"I didn't ask you because I couldn't."

"Well why not?!"

"Because you know me."

"What do you mean? The other girls knew you."

"Yeah, but you aren't _like_ the other girls I asked out."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Gee thanks."

"No, I mean they've all got some flaw I could exploit."

This surprised Wendy. Her bad attitude was immediately dropped. "...What?"

"Like Bebe. I asked her out 'cause she's a slut, right? I thought that'd be good enough to get her to say yes to me. I asked out Red because she's ugly. I figured if a guy asked her out she'd jump at the chance no matter who it was. I asked out Henrietta because I knew I could bullshit her about how alone we both are and stuff. Goths eat that crap up with a spoon. With Katie...Well, she's just poor. I thought I could bribe her into it. You know how poor people have no ethics or morals. With Porsche, I figured I could trick her into it. She's pretty stupid. You aren't those things though, so I figured what would you want with me? You know better then to buy into my crap. I knew I didn't stand a chance, so I didn't bother."

Wendy's mouth hung open. Her eyes were as wide as the mountains near their town. Her jaw was completely slack. She was shocked and flattered and confused all at once. After stammering a few times, she came up with the words she'd been searching for.

"So, you're saying I'm the opposite of slutty, stupid, immoral and ugly?"

"Right."

"...So...In your eyes, I'm pure, intelligent, moral and pretty?"

Cartman hesitated and stammered himself. "You...You could say that."

"I _did_ say that. Are _you_ saying that?"

"...Yeah."

Wendy sighed. "In that case, I take back what I said about you. You know, if it's any consolation, you almost had that date with Henrietta."

"How do you know?"

"Because I...I sort of messed it up for you. I burned her and told her to keep away from you."

Cartman frowned. "That's pretty lame of you. It could've saved me a lot of humiliation in there."

"I know. I'm sorry. I only did it because...Well, I like you too."

"...Really?"

"Yes."

"That's...kind of a relief. I was blaming her saying no on Stan and Kyle. If one of them liked me..." Cartman shuddered at the mere thought.

Wendy laughed. "They only like each other."

"H'yeah I know right?" Cartman agreed, laughing himself. "Wait, what _about_ Kahl though? Is he really your date?"

"No. We were only pretending. I was hoping it'd really bother you and make you jealous."

Cartman grinned. "That's pretty vicious. You're a woman after my own heart."

"Thanks, I think."

"It worked you know."

'What did?"

"Making me jealous and stuff. That day in the cafeteria when you kissed him...That killed me."

Wendy nodded. "I'm sorry. I had to throw you off the trail. I had to know if you honestly liked me or not, and honesty is a pretty hard thing to get out of you."

Cartman shrugged. "It's kewl, I'd have done the same thing. Only better than you did it."

Eric finally got off the curb, returning to his feet.

"Well, I guess I'd better go home. No way am I going back in there by myself."

Wendy approached Cartman. She placed her hands on his shoulders, turning him around. "You won't have to."

"Huh?"

/

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Stan and Kyle exited the school at the exact same moment a limo pulled up to the curb. Four pairs of shocked eyes looked on as Wendy forced her lips against Cartman's, just as the limo ceased its movement. Cartman didn't need to be told twice to kiss Wendy right back.

"...Dude" was all Stan managed to say.

Katie and Token stepped out of the limo and closed the door, allowing the driver to pull off.

"Um, I'm here with my date if you guys care," Token announced to the group.

Cartman broke apart from Wendy. "That's nice Token, but as you can see you're too late. _My_ date and I were just heading back inside to dance."

"Oh no you don't!" Kyle said. "Cartman, you already forfeited your chance when you pulled that bullcrap with Butters. Nobody owes anybody, fatso!"

"Now hold on a second," Wendy said. "What were the rules of this stupid bet?"

"Cartman had to have a date to the dance before Token. He couldn't pretend to be gay, or bring his mom or a hooker," Stan said.

"Which are basically the same thing," Kyle pointed out.

"Fuck you Kahl!" Cartman shouted.

"Well then Cartman still won!" Wendy decided.

"How?" Token asked.

"Nothing in those rules said he couldn't bring a guy _dressed up_ as a girl. He wasn't pretending to be gay then, because Butters was pretending to be female. And after all the pain he's been through tonight, I think Cartman deserves to win, don't you?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other, then at the ground, then at Wendy and Cartman. Wendy was glaring, her arms crossed over her chest. Cartman was simply smiling and nodding his head. The boys grumbled and dug into their pockets, producing their wallets. A few seconds later, Cartman was one hundred dollars richer.

"YES!" the fat boy shouted. He celebrated by kissing Wendy yet again, and then dragging her back inside to regain his previously wounded pride.

"Stop pulling me, jerk!"

"Quiet ho! This is a good song."

The new couple continued to argue as they re-entered the school. The others heard them, but decided not to question the strange relationship.

"I'll be inside," Katie said. She pecked Token's lips and headed in.

"Sorry you guys lost your bet," Token said.

"That's okay. The important thing is Katie's awake," Stan said.

"Yeah. Everybody's with who they're destined to be with tonight. That's what matters," Kyle said.

Token nodded. "I guess we're cool and whatever. Just don't let stupid bets turn you into dicks again."

"We won't" Kyle and Stan said together.

Token headed inside to dance with his girlfriend, while Stan and Kyle hopped into Stan's car and drove off for the hotel.

"You know why people are gonna say we left, right?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded. "Yeah, but I don't care. Like you said, it's destiny's fault."

/

The hotel on Swanson street did a lot of good business that night. Kenny and Bebe, Wendy and Cartman and Token and Katie took up three different rooms on three different floors. Wendy learned that night that it _was_ true what they said about obese people, while also showing Cartman just how much of a 'ho' she could truly be. Kenny and Bebe taught each other some things that were illegal in thirty states. Katie and Token simply made love, then used Token's money to reserve the room for another night of privacy. Stan and Kyle chucked the water-balloon condoms at unsuspecting victims, but ended up needing a few for themselves. Apparently it was true what everyone said about them after all.

By the next morning, all eight people knew who they'd be taking to the next Big Dance.

THE END


End file.
